Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Sheep Go To Heaven, Goats Go To Hell

Reasons why it's likely I will burn in hell:

1. Just yesterday I claimed that I was God. A tarot card reading then confirmed it.

2. I get annoyed by Jason's sneezes. I realize a more traditional response would be sympathy, or at least concern, but honestly, every time he starts sneezing, it grates on my nerves.

3. I covet Harry Potter. Even though he's like, 12. He's totally gonna be a hottie.

4. I don't wear my wedding rings when I go out with the girls. Actually, I don't wear them, period.

5. I routinely judge people on: what fruit they eat, where they get their hair cut, what books they have (and have not) read, and whether their pants are hemmed at the right place.

6. I don't apologize. In fact, I am adamant that I have never been wrong.

7. I get paid to lie professionally. I enjoy it.

8. Eavesdropping is one of my favourite hobbies.

9. I've practiced magic. In fact, I took a whole class where magic was referred to as a religion; I made my own candles in order to cast spells. I've been to a fortune teller. I've read palms. All of which is referred to as "prostitution against God" in the bible, which I refuse to capitalize, and have routinely critiqued.

10. The last time I was in the vicinity of a church, my elbow spontaneously combusted.

11. Of all the delicious, indulgent sex that I have ever had, none of it has ever been for procreation.

12. I am prideful and arrogant. Mostly arrogant, but for a good reason: I'm just plain better than everyone.

13. I once made a pact with the devil, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.

14. I am a glutton. I drink 3 bottles of wine when technically I'm "drunk enough" after the first 1 1/2.

15. I'm greedy as hell. I take up all the bed, and the last Oreo, and Jason's favourite hoodie.

16. I routinely pray to a Troll doll. I believe it makes me a better bowler.

17. I believe that Sunday mornings are for sleeping in, Sunday afternoons are for sex, and Sunday nights are for poker.

18. I covet my neighbour's house. I mean, dude, he has a pool AND pink shutters. Life is SO not fair.

19. Sometimes I don't wear undies.

20. I want it all, but I don't want to work for it. I believe in delegating and profiting from the hard work of others. I live for sloth. I roll in it.

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