You know you've really hit it big when your "amigos" at latingossip.com email you congratulations about your recent nomination (incidentally, I would have preferred champagne).
Yes, my friends, what you've read about me in Star Magazine is true: I am a Bloggie award finalist, and I say that with all the sincere pride and gravitas such a distinction deserves.
Kill the Goat is nominated in the Best Canadian Blog category, which is somewhat fitting, because it is a blog, and I do write it in Canada, for the most part. But let me tell you, the competition is stiff. You can kind of tell that in this fine country of mine, there are 4 "big" blogs out there (and by "big", I mean the kind that refer to themselves as "we" because they have editors and contributers, and their own domain and blog design) and that I'm the wildcard (and by "wildcard" I mean, the only one who still uses blogger, and who has nothing of importance to say, and what I do say I say without style because I don't even know how to use italics).
But it's an honour just to be nominated anyway.
Well, not really, but it's the right thing to say.
It's kind of akin to saying "it's what's inside that counts" and you just know that only ugly chicks say stuff like that.
But it is an awful lot of fun to be the underdog, to be the only one in the bunch who actually writes about the banalities of life, you know, like:
I ate 4 clementines today. I really like clementines. And geez my elbows are dry lately. Jason's boss bought him body butter for Christmas, so of course it was re-gifted to me, but it mostly just stinks and doesn't hydrate the skin at all. I think I would have nicer skin if I just rubbed the clementines all over my body. Why doesn't spell checker like the word clementine? Am I not spelling it right, or is blogger just anti-tangerine?
Yeah. Like that.
So obviously I have no delusions about winning. I mean, when fellow nominees include Boing Boing, Dooce, and Postsecret, you pretty much know that the goat is doomed. So I won't ask you to vote for me, but I will suffer you to sit through my would-be acceptance speech.
First of all, I would like to thank The Lord. Because we all know that God loves rappers best, football players second, and bloggers third.
I couldn't be here without my mother, who provided me with the kind of childhood that breeds the ultimate blogging material: neurosis and bleeding ulcers.
I would also like to thank UPS for constantly giving me something to rant about, insomnia for giving me the time to rant about UPS, vodka for making me think that anyone cares, and of course, the penis, because it always gives me something to think (and write) about.
Seriously, I know that a blogger only gets anywhere when she has some good friends who drop by and pretend to read her ravings on a semi-regular basis, and to all of you who have done that for me, I thank you. An especially big thank you to those who take further time out of their day to write comments or send emails. Comments are like crack - intoxicating until they run out, and then I just want more.
And finally, thank you to the prestigious 2007 Weblog Awards for bestowing upon me this dubious honour and for letting me fill the "Doesn't Stand a Chance" slot this year.
Buckle up for safety, everyone.
Thank you, and goodnight.