Jason had a charity dinner at a Chinese restaurant downtown this weekend.
When he came home, the first thing out of his mouth was "What is tallapia?"
"It's fish," I told him.
"Oh, thank god."
"I can't wash my face anymore."
"Well, maybe not can't. More like won't. I won't wash my face anymore."
"Why why why?"
"Well, if you stepped on a rat -"
"A rat? In the house?"
"In the shower!"
"In the shower?"
"Yes, in the shower. I was washing, and then I stepped on a rat, and it did this horrible squishing thing under my foot and I wanted to barf and it made this squeaking sound and it was the worst thing in the world."
"Oh my god, there was a rat in the shower and you didn't tell me! How did it get there?!?!?"
"Well, that's the thing. It wasn't really a rat. It turned out it was just the face scrub you gave me for Christmas. But it felt like a rat. And it spewed out all that exfoliant stuff and the whole bathroom smelled overwhelmingly of mango and I was really traumatized."
"So you see how I can't possibly wash my face anymore."
"Because all the face scrub went down the drain, or because of the trauma?"
"Did you have a good day at work today, handsome?"
"Did I!" I must have went through 40, 50 rubbers. What a day!"
note: As I later found out, a "rubber" is a clever device that you stick on the end of a hanger so that slippery items like silk camis don't fall off of them.
"How'd you ever get to be such a bitch?"
"Oh, years and years of practise, mostly."
"Plus, it's pretty much the family business, right?"
"Well, there's that."
You made these just for me?"
"What was that?"
"Sorry. I was saying they look too good to eat."
"But you had 4 of them in your mouth."
"Well, I meant it metaphorically, obviously."
"Well, I meant it sarcastically, obviously."
"You look really yummy today, Jame."
"Is that they eyelet cami I brought home the other day?"
"Hmm. I wouldn't have thought to layer it under green cashmere. Love the off-the-shoulder thing though."
"Yeah yeah yeah. You're late for work."
9ish hours later, I pick Jason up at his work.
There is a mannequin in the window looking awfully familiar. She's wearing my outfit.
And actually, the one beside her is dressed a lot like Jason.
The mannequins are touching hands.
"That's creepy. Why is that mannequin wearing my outfit?"
"I missed you today."
"And was she a good substitute?"
"Not really. I mean, the quiet was nice, but the kissing kind of sucked."
"You think I'm kidding?"
"Dear god I hope so."