Monday, December 10, 2007

How to Party Like a Rock Star

So I'm at this moment sitting here in the bathtub wondering how it is that we as a society can manufacture artificial hearts and take pictures of dust motes on Mars and make margarine that is so butter-like in flavour that you can't even tell it apart from the real thing, and yet we still cannot manage to make tubs that fit real people. Is it so crazy that I might like both my knees and my boobs to be submerged? I'm only 5'3, practically not even people-sized myself, but still, I have to choose. Either I have to bend my knees so they rise out of the bubbles like arid twin peaks, or I straighten my legs and sit upright, watching my nipples get hard in the comparatively cool air. The bathtub makes you pensive. I also realize that:

a) boy do I need to re-pedicure.

b) damn I have sexy thighs.

c) I may never recover from this weekend.

And if I don't live to see another weekend, know that I died happily, and already somewhat pickled. Take whatever useful organs I have, but um, you may want to leave the liver where it is. And if it's my partner in crime who keels over from trying to keep pace with me, I've already promised to wear something very plunging to his funeral.
You have to put some serious effort into developing the kind of legendary mystique that boys will risk death for, but any of you can fake it for a night. You just have to not give a damn about your bad reputation, and:
1. Screw the icy sidewalks. Wear heels anyway. Men will fall over themselves to offer you their arm.
2. Wear a silk shirt in a flannel kind of town. Remember that buttons are optional.
3. Resist the urge to rub your lips clean when a man whispers in your ear "Your lipstick just gave me a boner."
4. Madonna meant for you to dance on a speaker when her song comes on. It's a rule.
5. Never refuse a drink. Think of it as a public service. It builds male morale to be able to buy a pretty girl a drink. You don't have to drink them all (donate the ones you don't want to your wallflower friends), but remember - restraint is for losers, and Monday afternoons.
6. If you're wearing fancy panties or any kind of lingerie, make sure there are at least 3 other people in the room who know it.
7. Tactile is good. Touch men on their wrists, their chests, their thighs. But touch yourself the most, especially while dancing.
8. Practise a bitchy wink and a lascivious grin. Don't use them on just your date.
9. Don't hurry back from the bathroom. Use the time wisely. When you get back to your table with a drink your date knows he didn't pay for, and a phone number that clearly isn't his, sip the drink sweetly and discreetly slip the number into your bag, and be prepared for some seriously undivided attention.
10. Don't be afraid to cultivate a little jealousy on the dance floor. Watching guys throw punches is kind of a turn on, and besides - black eyes are sexy.

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