Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Shame

I am so full of disgust that I can't even write.
Of course I am mad at the doctor for refusing to treat me. Mad but not entirely surprised, because hasn't this been the theme of the entire course of my disease? Haven't I always been made to beg, hasn't being chronically sick and riddled with pain stripped me of all dignity?
Of course I am mad at him, but I am even angrier at myself for sitting there and taking it. For not storming out of his office when I needed to. I am angry that I let him see my pain, that I came to him with a tiny bubble of hope in my hands, and shed tears when he ruthlessly popped it, but still shook his hand on my way out.
My mother raised me to be polite, and I think she was wrong. I tip stylists for bad haircuts. I thank customer service representatives for their time when they've just wasted mine. And now I'm letting doctors kill me with their carelessness.
And I fucking shook his hand.

4 comments:

Jude said...

Don't ever change the polite person that you are Jay. Having said that though, I'm so sorry you aren't getting what you need. It sounds like a nightmare for you and I wish I could help. (((((hugs))))

kenju said...

What Jude said. How are things now?

Maven said...

I was raised by wolves, and even so, those wolves raised me to be polite, too. And it's gotten me no where. I have changed doctors due to similar bullshit you're going through.

Wish I could help, even from afar. Not sure if you know my email, but itsmemaven AT aim DOT com, zap me an email if you wish. I'm curious about what it is you're battling, and to see if there's some small measure I can help you navigate things.

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