I'm sorry I woke you up at 6:30 this morning because "the wind is too howly". I'm not saying that I've learned my lesson, just that I'm sorry.
I fell asleep (finally) around 7, just moments before your alarm went off, as luck would have it. I think you mumbled something at me, and I may have punched you in the nose. I didn't meant to do that, but you know I'm not a morning person, and frankly, that's just a risk you keep on taking. Your fault, really.
I think I dreamed about beautiful blonde women knawing through chicken necks. It was as bloody as you'd think. But even with such alluring dreams to keep me in bed, I somehow dragged myself out of bed at the ungodly hour of 10:48am (if your math is sharp, you'll notice I did not get my full 11 hours of beauty rest, so if I look like a troll today, you have no one to blame but yourself). I hopped in the shower because I know how you like me to be mid-suds when you get home...and I stayed in there until my skin was pruny, but where were you? Not home, that's where!
I got dressed, and you know how I feel about putting clothes on. Even a bra, for goodness' sake! And I waited an hour for you before I noticed that the little red light was blinking on the phone, and sure enough, your wheedling voice Jamie, I'm sorry, but I'm stuck at work until 5.
Until 5?!?!? What kind of person works until 5? Inhuman!
I have been waiting over a month to get this stupid couch. My hips ache from sitting on the lop-sided old one. We both know the delivery cut-off time is 3. Three, goddamn you!
So when you come home tonight, be prepared to find me seething and most likely sucked in between the sofa cushions. And once you haul my ass outta there, watch out! Mama's in a bad mood.
p.s. I think I might have possibly splintered one of those wooden beads from the bracelets you bought me last week. But it doesn't mean I wasn't appreciative, I guess you could say I just had my hand where my hand had no business being.
p.p.s. But that doesn't mean I'm not mad! Cause I'm soooooooooo mad. Oh Jamie, you said, I'll be home by 11 no problem. I am so confident that I won't even call work to make prior arrangements. I'll just promise you this without making sure. And don't think that phone call I just got won you any bonus points. Oh Jamie, you said, I'll take the whole day off tomorrow to make it up to you. Just remember what I responded: Punch! Punch! Punch punch punch!