You may have noticed that Jason and I drive each other crazy. Anyone eavesdropping on us might come to the conclusion that we detest each other. But if you take everything we say literally, sure it sounds bad, but I think it's more a reflection on your lack of imagination than our lack of love. I mean, isn't it conceivable that "fuck face" can be a term of endearment? Perhaps not many people would agree with that, or even understand it, but here's the deal: I am not a conventionally affectionate person. I hate cuddles. I tolerate hugs once a fortnight. I prefer to skip the kissing and "get to the good part". And I don't often say "I love you." I rarely say it. Sometimes I say "That'll do, pig" and in my mind, that's just as good. Fortunately, Jason has evolved during our years of marriage, to the point where he can now interpret Jamiespeak.
Jason says: Did you miss me today?
Jamie says: Nope.
Jason says: I missed you too.
Jamie says: Bring me water!
Jason brings water.
Jamie says: What, no ice?
Jason says: You're welcome.
See? We live in peace, honest! Disregard Jason's bruised kidneys. He totally deserved that. We often poke each other and wrestle around on the ground. We call it 'forplay.' We also enjoy seeing who can come up with the best insults. For a while, I reigned with the old "Haha, look at your receding hairline trick!" Classic stuff. But soon he barely cried at all when I said that, which means it was time to switch tacks.
Jamie says: Know who I have a crush on?
Jason says: No, dear, who?
Jamie says: Your dad.
Jason says: What?!?!
Jamie says: Your dad is totally hot. He's a dilf for sure.
You are probably familiar with the American Pie concept of the milf - Mom I'd Like to Fool around with (hah - as if I wouldn't say Fuck. I like to self-censure for no apparent reason). Apparently, I really struck a nerve when I called Jason's dad a dilf. Jason didn't like it, not one bit. In fact, I could see the vein in his receding hairline pulsing violently when I said it. I made sure to point that out to him.
And the greatest part is, I'm not even lying. Jason's dad is hot. I mean, he's no Jason, but he's not bad for a Jason-plus-23 years. Which is a relief. But not to Jason, who thinks this is the worst news since learning that bacon is not a food group.
Anyway, I'm sure I can't be the only one. Surely there must be cases of Moms (and dads) I'd Like to Fondle all over the world. I mean, even Jason has admitted that he finds my grandmother to be sexually attractive. Surely the hot granny phenomenon is at least as taboo as the milf-dilf thing. Granted, you haven't met my grandmother, so it's hard to judge. Just trust me on this one, mmkay?
But in the end, I wouldn't like to do any f-words with Jason's dad. Some of them I don't even want to do with Jason. I just like to keep him on his toes. Plus, if a woman like me went around professing my love for him, his ego would overinflate and his head would explode, and frankly, a headless husband has little use to me. There are things he does with his head that I quite enjoy.