1. I bought Jason a crest spinbrush for Christmas. I admit this was a mistake. But every time this little battery-operated toothbrush came on TV, he oohed and aahed, and I couldn't resist. So I found a Spiderman spinbrush and matching Spiderman toothpaste, and they fit perfectly into his stocking, and for some strange reason that I blame on too much eggnog, I bought it for him and actually thought it would be okay.
But it hasn't been okay. Because for the past month I have witnessed him using that spinbrush every morning in the shower...and he doesn't just use it on his teeth. He likes to experiment with it on all of his various body parts. And he tries to involve mine as well! I have to be constantly on the defensive or else I might get violated. Does anyone else have this problem?
2. Last month I gave Jason a final warning: if you can't wash the sink after shaving, you can't shave anymore. He has this "great" beard trimmer that shoots whiskers all over the bathroom so you literally might think that my decorating theme is "furry". It is not.
Jason continued to leave the bulk of his beard all over the bathroom, so I made good on my threat. No more beard trimmer. If he wants to shave, he must do so with a razor, in the shower. Don't worry though, he's found a way to piss me off with that too: he refuses to replace the cap on the shaving cream, which prevents the can from rusting. So now my bathtub has psychedelic orange rings all over it - unwashable, of course. And I can't decide which is worse - a rust pattern on my bathtub, of living knee-deep in man fur.
3. I ask him sometimes, Will you still love me when I'm old?
How old? he'll ask.
Old old, I'll say. Saggy and wrinkly and stuff.
Yes, I'll still love you.
Will you still want me, though? Will you still find me sexy?
Of course I will!
Even when I look like my grandmother?
Do you think my grandmother's hot?
So you won't think I'm hot? These are my genes!
Well, okay, it's granny-hot. Hot for an old lady.
So you do think that Nanny's hot?
Yes. For an older woman.
Hahah, you just said that Nanny's hot!
And then we wrestle.
4. Where have all the forks gone? One of the great features of modern-day cutlery is its reusability. Just wash, and it's good to go again! But somewhere between the pickle jar and the kitchen sink, hundreds if not thousands of forks have gone missing. Where do they go? Why do they stray? Why is my husband such a moron?
Yes, the obvious culprit is Jason, and the mysterious black hole into which forks disappear - the work lunch. I pack him a fork so that he can pretend in front of his colleagues that he has some sort of table manners, and then the fork immediately falls off the face of the earth. I literally go out of my mind trying to set the dinner table at night because I am faced with a constant lack of forks. I have to cook meals that can be eaten entirely using spoons and knives. Piercing things is out of the question. And you can't buy just forks. Cutlery comes in sets. So I have 7 drawers full of spoons and knives that I'll never use, and still no forks.
In a fit of frustration, I tied a piece of string to Jason's wrist, and hung a fork from it. This is the only fork he will ever be trusted with. When that one goes to fork heaven, fuck him. He can eat with his beard trimmer.
Actually, I'd kind of like to see that.