Friday, June 17, 2005

Friday Fuckfest

Fucktards of the week:

Homophobes. Every last one of them.

Sorry to get all preachy here today, but I happened to catch an episode of a new reality series produced here in Canada called My Fabulous Gay Wedding. And not only am I a sucker for a wedding, but I adored Kids In The Hall, and the show is hosted by none other than KITH alum Scott Thompson.

So I'm watching the show, and Scott is funny and cute playing the Wedding Fairy [insert fairy joke here], and this week's couple, William and Jim, are adorable. These people are what marriage is all about. They've been together 7 years, and yet "He's still the one I would choose across a crowded room." Aww.

For the most part, it proceeds like the usual putting-together-an-impromptu-wedding show. Wedding planners scout locations, choose dashing outfits, taste test hors d'oeuvres, and invite guests.

And that's where the show departs from the norm. Because as one of the previous brides put it, "I'm gay - with a voice." And good for her. Good for all of them for showing us such positive relationships even amid controversy.

Now I understand that people will have differing beliefs. Some people believe that homosexuality is inherently wrong. And no matter why you believe this, you're crazy. If you believe it in the name of God, you're not just crazy, you're un-christian. And deep down, you probably already know this. I feel sorry for you, but I understand you. I understand fear of "the other" though I think it's a poor excuse for a closed mind.

What I don't understand is family members who can't even support each other. Debbie and Nikki, clearly and insanely in love, almost have their whole wedding derailed because Debbie's parents and ex-husband ganged up against her to keep her own children from attending her wedding. It hurts me to say that so I can only imagine the hurt that she felt.

I think love is a blessing, period. God is all about the love, and if you don't get that, then you've missed the point. Debbie and Nikki are lucky to have found each other. We should all be so lucky.

Jim and William are so in love they make me blush. But again, the gaps in their guest list are glaring. William's step-father doesn't even know that William is gay, let alone that his wife has snuck off to Toronto to attend a wedding. Jim's brother bows out also, citing that he is "too busy" to attend. I ache for them, but am happy that where family lacked, they made up for it in friends that cried tears of happiness to see these two united.

So. Your son/brother/mother is gay? Okay. Accept it. If you don't like it, work on it. It's your problem. Cutting ties with family for being gay is like hating someone for having brown hair. Ridiculous. Sad. Ridiculous.

Brunettes are people too.

Fucker of the week:

Yogurt. Yech.

Yogurt is a stupid-ass thing to eat. It's fermented milk, yo. It has "starter culture" for crying out loud! What is wrong with you people? Yes, You People. You know who you are. It's probably all of you. Even my husband is a dirty yogurt-eater, and because of this I have implemented my favourite strict rule: no kissing Jamie for 24 hours after consuming any spoiled milk products, including but not limited to yogurt.

Yogurt is a bullshit food. Steak is food. Chocolate cake is food. Anything with gravy is food. Yogurt aint food y'all.

You know why people eat yogurt? Because after the first spoonful, even before people can register the thought "Damn, this shit is nasty!" the bacterias swim from your tongue straight to your brain and infect it. They make you delirious. It's worse than mad cow disease. I would rather eat 20 lbs of bloody hamburger than an ounce of yogurt. Gah.

And as if yogurt wasn't dumb enough, they had to go and mix fruit in it! And it's all the evil fruit - strawberries (ew!), blueberries (ew!), peaches (ew!), cherry (ew!), kiwi (okay, seriously - the only hairy thing I want in my mouth is balls, and I would never chop them up and throw them into yogurt!).

But wait. It gets worse. There's "portable" yogurt. As if yogurt used to be so inconvenient! As if yogurt used to be the shackles that chained you to your house. But alas, yogurt for people on the go has been devised, go-gurt if you will. Go-gurt can go-lick my balls, biatch. And anyone who calls it "gurt" deserves a fate far worse than the mad yogurt-induced trips that they already experience.

Yogurt is like crack for middle-class housewives. They start sweating and twitching when they need their next fix. And sadly, even Martha Stewart is enabling this habit by making arts and crafts out of the little yogurt pots. Yogurt addicts pose a serious threat to us all. And is there anything more unnatural than a straight man eating yogurt? I think not. The tiny size of yogurt pots should be a dead giveaway: only elves and fairies should eat yogurt. Everyone else, hands off. For gawd's sake, get some pudding!

Most Fuckable this week:

Whoa. Taye Diggs, how have you thwarted this list thus far? You my dear are a major hottie, and I must say, you have done much for many women's grooves, not just Stella's.

Unfortunately, he is married, so no farther should you endart your eye than his wife would give consent to fly, which I'm guessing would pretty much boil down to look, but don't touch.

And he is more than just a pretty face. He has a degree in music, which he made use of on Broadway, and in the movie Chicago.

Taye Diggs does not eat yogurt.

Happy Friday.

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