Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Girls Wear Underwear Too.

Yesterday we asked What does your underwear say about you?, and then we taught the boys a thing or two. Today, the ladies take their turn.

1. Support Underwear

Why do women do this to themselves? Maybe you don't have the perfect body. In fact, I'm willing to bet that you don't. Even Angelina gets airbrushed for heaven's sake. But so what. Our bodies are beautiful even if they're a bit squishy or wobbly here and there. Men don't squeeze themselves into obscene wraps, contorting their bodies into unnatural proportions. In fact, men have a predilection for letting everything just all hang out.

Why? Why? Why?

Okay, so they slim the thighs and tuck the tummies and pad the buttocks, but it's all a bunch of hooey.

Even the word girdle is absurdly unsexy. Just don't do it.

2. Athletic Underwear

A sports bra has a time and place. If you're not doing step-aerobics, it belongs in your gym bag.

They're built to keep you tucked in place, and they do their job all too well. Real women are supposed to jiggle. We were born to jiggle. Bouncing boobies are a beautiful thing. God gave us boobs for a reason (and no, it's not for nourishment as some "breast is best" fanatics will tell you): it's to show them off.

3. The Lacey Stuff

Sure it looks sweet and feminine but the ugly truth about lace is that it's itchy. It's rough on the skin. Sometimes you get rashes.

We don't wear lace for ourselves. We selflessly wear it for others. So, when you encounter lace, admire it, and then make with the naked.

4. The Antique Corset Look

Okay, I totally get why we wear them. They're sexy. They emphasize the good and they cinch the bad.

But there's a very good reason why we gave them up:

a) Reduced oxygen intake

b) Fainting spells

c) Crushed ribcages

d) Inability to bend at the waist

e) Intense pain upon lacing up

We wear them anyway. Women are gluttons for pain. But their use should be limited to the sexy saunter from bathroom to bedroom; anything more than that is just asking for trouble.

5. Thongs

I don't have the aesthetic that appreciates a woman in a thong. In my book they only rate slightly higher than the men's version. Well okay, slightly more than slightly, but still. But I do understand their allure from the strictly female perspective: ease of wearing, no panty line, etc, etc.

And if you got it, flaunt it. If you got dumps like a truck, truck, truck and thighs like what, what what, then go ahead. Floss your ass. Just don't let me see that thing poking out over the band of your jeans.

Nothing says "skanky ho bag" like the thong outside the pants.

6. See-Through/Mesh Underwear

The mesh phenomenon is quite pervasive because lingerie can never reveal too much flesh. It seems somewhat counterintuitive to cover up with something see-through, but that's how it is. Sheer is sexy, and pointless. But sexy most of all.

But we're not all Desperate Housewives. We need to be realistic. Most workplaces frown on wonky nipples. These sheer underthings offer absolutely no support. They put everything out on display, and while that can be a good thing in the soft glow of candlelight, it paints an entirely different picture under harsh fluorescent lighting.

Also, the pleasing effect of sheer is not pleasing at all if you neglect to keep things trim and proper, so you do need to plan ahead!

7. Boy Cut!

Say what you will about a man in women's panties, but put a woman in boy shorts, and everybody drools.

Okay, so you might not find this exact pair in the men's section, but the point is, they're boy legs, cut square, and that's that. They're super cute to wear, and easy to find, so there's no excuse to be caught in an actual pair of your boyfriend's grubby undies.

8. The Teddy

A teddy is a one-piece underthing that has no practical purpose in life. It's strictly for prettiness. When you bring your boyfriend lingerie shopping, he goes straight for this rack.

In a perfect world, it should go hidden under the clothes to be discovered by a lucky someone later that day. But women's lingerie is nothing if not complicated. Take for example, a crotch that snaps. It's nerve-wracking to be snapping in such a delicate place. And since it's all one piece, if you so much as shrug during the day, or lift your arms past your hips, or sneeze, or yawn, or have the need to brush your hair or reach something on the top shelf, you've just shoved those cold snaps up into a tender place. This is not a happy surprise.

9. Ruffles

It's a little alarming that so much lingerie comes with bows, chiffon, marabou, ruffles, and laces. Let's call it the Lolita fetish.

Ruffles and bows may be cute, but they make for awkward sitting and are impossible to conceal under clothing. Some lingerie is meant to be worn only for a quick removal. Don't attempt to do any actual living in these things. Be aware that ruffles will chafe if worn for a significant period of time.

10. Granny Panties

Oh what an unfortunate way to end the list, but alas, the granny panty persists. Why do women collect these roomy monstrosities in their underwear drawers? I'd rather not know.

Dear women: Throw them out. Underwear don't have to be huge or unsightly to be comfortable. Granny panties are inexcusable.

To anyone giving the gift of underwear to their female lover, take note: the side seam should never be longer than 2 inches. 2 inches is sexy. 3 inches is not. It's a good rule. Remember it.

I firmly believe that to feel good, a woman must start with her foundation garments. Just knowing that you're wearing a naughty pair of underwear sets the right tone to your day. Bootylicious before you even walk out the door.

And so concludes our in-depth panty analysis (god I hate the word panty). I sincerely hope that you all have learned nothing at all, because you've all been wearing the very best that underwear has to offer all along. Here's to booty shaking!!

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