Monday, June 20, 2005

Some Said This Day Would Never Come.

Rumours swirling around this very possibility have spanned two decades now. Anyone under the age of 20 will be hard-pressed to remember "life before." It has slowly but pervasively infiltrated our culture and our minds, and its fingers reach around the globe. Never before has the world been so united on one front, spreading the cult of yellow fever in epidemic proportions.

It's official: The Simpsons movie is coming (July 2007). Fans of the show have both feared and revered this day, mostly because news of this highly anticipated movie meant certain death for the hugely popular TV series. However, the good news abounds: creator Matt Groening assures us that the show will continue on simultaneously as the movie, and will run for as long as the ratings allow it. Phew.

Now it's not every day that such news comes along, so to celebrate here at Kill The Goat, I have gleaned an interview with the star of The Simpsons, Mr. Homer Simpson himself.

Jamie: Hello Mr. Simpson. Jamie Lee, Kill the Goat News.

Homer: Homer Simpson, smiling politely.

Jamie: How are you today, Mr. Simpson?

Homer: My pockets hurt.

Jamie: Well then, let's just get down to business. Mr. Simpson, I raise my glass to you in a toast for the success of your upcoming movie.

Homer: Here's to alcohol, the cause of?and solution to?all life's problems.

Jamie: Err, right. So tell me Homer -I can call you Homer right? I feel as if I know you-the Simpsons family stands to make millions of dollars from this production deal, doesn't it? What do you plan on doing with all of that money?

Homer: Money can be exchanged for goods and services!

Jamie: Well, yes -

Homer: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts!

Jamie: Yes, I suppose peanuts are a good investment...Anyhow, I've heard that there's already been a table read of the movie script. How would you say the 90 minute script of the movie compares to the standard 22 minute script of the TV show?

Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop, not quite a puppet, but man... (laughs, then pauses). So, to answer you question, I don't know.

Jamie: Um. Okay. So did you have any input in the movie? What kind of things do you think an audience likes to see in movies?

Homer: I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over fifty and if its speed dropped, it would explode! I think it was called ... "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."

Jamie: I'm not sure if that answers my question...

Homer: Homer no function beer well without.

Jamie: I'm sorry sir. I suppose we should have toasted with Duff instead of Dom. Still, you seem to have polished off the bottle on your own, as well as the deli platter and the cheese platter, and the bowl of creamers and sugar cubes from the coffee trolley that had been sitting out for days and days.

Homer: How do you come up with such witty remarks?

Jamie: Mr. Simpson, that wasn't wit, that was exasperation. The fact is, I don't think you're taking this interview very seriously.

Homer: Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!
Jamie: Mr. Simpson, I think it's safe to say that the fame has gone to your head.

Homer: Fame was like a drug, but what was even more like a drug were the drugs.

Jamie: Stop it! You don't even make sense! This whole interview is going to suck.

Homer: Yeah, suck like a fox.

Jamie: What?

Homer: Hamburger earmuffs.

Jamie: Look Homer, I'm only doing this because my husband is a big fan. If you can't get yourself through a few simple questions, then it's no skin off my back to scrap this whole thing.
I just thought you might like to speak to your fans.

Homer: The problem in the world today is communication. Too much communication.

Jamie: I should have known. Listen, if you don't believe in communication, then why are you even here?

Homer: I'm a white male aged 18 to 49, everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are.

Jamie: Well, I can't argue with that. You have built on empire on it. And I'm sure it has afforded you all kinds of amazing there anything left that you haven't done?

I want to explore the world. I want to watch TV in a different time zone. I want to visit strange, exotic malls. I'm sick of eating hoagies. I want a grinder, a sub, a foot-long hero.

Jamie: So what's stopping you?

I don't have the discipline necessary to be a Hippie.

Jamie: I didn't realize eating subs made you a Hippie. I'm beginning to really pity myself here, this is impossible -

Homer: Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life have been without it?

Jamie: It's not all about you, Homer. Boy are you conceited.

Homer: Being popular is the most important thing in the world!

Jamie: Well you sure have a funny way of showing it.

Homer: Sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves.

Jamie: Homer, that may have been the most insightful thing you've ever said. I blame myself for misjudging you.

Homer: You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and move on.

Jamie: Gee thanks. Did you ever consider that you might be hurting my feelings?

Homer: I have feelings too - like "my stomach hurts' or "I'm going crazy!".

Jamie: Right. You know Homer, there is help. You can see a therapist, psychiatrist -

Homer: What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kids are nuts.

Jamie: Yes, but what about yourself, Homer?

Homer: I am so smart, s-m-r-t.

Jamie: Okay. That about does it. I've tried my best to do the impossible -

Homer: You tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Jamie: That's enough! I think we can agree that this interview is over.

Homer: Let us celebrate our agreement with the adding of chocolate to milk.

Jamie: Well, I do like me some chocolate milk, especially if it goes along with some donuts...

Homer: Mmmm, donuts...

Jamie. Dear god, I'm losing my mind.

Homer: Well, it's always in the last place you look.

Jamie: I can't believe I'm sitting in a room with a yellow man who is dumber than lip gloss. This has been a total waste of time and now I'm out $240 in snacks!

Homer: Yes, that's a real pickle. Would you excuse me for a moment?

Jamie: Homer, that's not outside, that's the coat check.

Homer: D'oh!

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