I Said I Don't Feel Good!!!

Jason, you have to come home. It's an emergency.

Emergency?

Yes.

Are you bleeding?

No.

Well what kind of emergency are we talking about here? The kind of emergency like you had last week, when you couldn't live without string beans?

No. A real emergency. Today is the worst day of my life.

Oh, hun, I'm sorry. What's wrong?

Everything!

Everything?

Well, yeah. I mean, nothing really. I just don't feel good.

Are you sick?

No. Stop asking me questions! I said I don't feel good!

Okay, okay, I'm sorry. It was rude of me to question you.

Oh fuck, don't be so condescending. I won't like you just because you're being falsely apologetic.

You don't sound all that sick....

I said I wasn't sick! Don't you ever listen?!!?!?!? I just don't feel good.

What part doesn't feel good?

Sobbing: Every part! I'm tired and cranky and headachy and no one is taking care of me.

Oh, poor sweetie.

So come home already.

But hun, I'm at work.

I know you're at work. That's why I called you at work. That's why I'm telling you to come home, because you're at work and you shouldn't be. You need to get your damned priorities in order mister! This is the worst day of my life and somebody needs to be here to get me some damned orange juice. Why are you being so obstinate!?!

Jamie, is it the tiniest bit possible that this is your new meds talking?

No! What?

I just mean that your doctor told us you might be a little more...ah, edgy, than usual. And it sounds like your emergency consists mainly of other side effects from the pills, so I just thought maybe...

Well you thought wrong. Sobbing again: I just thought you would be more understanding. I just thought that someone who loves me would be concerned that I am having the worst day ever and would want to make me feel better, but I guess I was wrong. I guess you don't really love me after all.

Don't you think you're being a bit dramatic? I love you very much, and I don't want -

Oh shut up already. I don't feel well and I don't want to be on the phone right now. If you just want to get a divorce, fine, just leave me alone.

With barely restrained laughter in his voice: Jame, slow down. I'll come home if you really need me to.

Oh no, don't bother yourself. I'd hate to inconvenience you!

You're not inconveniencing me. I'll come home right now if you think it will make you feel better.

No. It won't.

But you said...I mean, didn't you call me because you wanted me to come home?

That was before.

Before what?

Before I knew your true feelings! Now I know that you don't really care about my well being and I don't want you around here, poisoning my environment. Probably you'll just make me feel worse.

Jamie, I do care about you. I promise not to make things worse -

I don't believe you! Sobbing again: all I wanted was for someone to rub my back! Is that so much to ask?!?! This is the worst day ever!

Jamie, I'm sorry you're having such a bad day. I'm on my way home right now. Would it cheer you up at all if I picked up a milkshake on my way?

Tiny voice: chocolate?

Of course chocolate! It's your favourite, isn't it?

Tinier voice: yes...

Great. So I'll stop at the bank, get you a milkshake and be home in a jiffy.

Screaming rage again: The bank!?!? I said this was an emergency! You don't run errands when your wife is having an emergency. What the hell is wrong with you?

Sorry, sorry, my mistake. I just had it in my mind that I had to go to the bank, since you asked me to stop there this morning, and -

Well that was this morning!

Yes, right. Sorry. I'll come right home. No stops.

Fuck you.

What?

I said fuck you.

Yeah, I heard you, but why?

You can't just dangle a milkshake in front of me and then take it away like I'm some kind of child.

Jay, of course I'll still get the milkshake. But that's it, I promise, straight home after that.

Fine.

Fine?

Yes, fine. Only I might be asleep by the time you get here, so if I am, you may as well go back to work. Leave the milkshake in the fridge.

Okay, hun. See you soon.