Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Bad Habit? Why, I'll Give You A Bad Habit!

I was lying in bed almost all morning listening to the torrential rains slapping my bedroom windows. I wondered briefly whether any of our patio furniture remained, but was unable to see past the blur of raindrops into my own backyard. I heard the metallic creak of hinges at the side of the house, and felt sorry for the guy delivering mail on a day like this.

I am just biding my time until darkness falls again, and I am safe for going outside to splash in as many puddles as I can find (which obviously will be numerous...in fact, I am willing to bet that small creaks and a little river roughly the size and shape of the avenue upon which I live will be available for my puddle pleasure). Playing in the rain is one of my many, MANY bad habits. But seriously, it's like a disease, and I just cannot help myself. I know it will ruin my new suede boots. I know it will wipe out the 35 minutes I spent blow-drying my hair into a non-frizz mess. I know my mascara will run and I'll risk catching my death, but I'm out there anyway because splashing is fun.

The phrase 'bad habit' just has a negative connotation. That's why I move that we round up all of our bad habits (smoking, drinking, eating, etc, etc) and start calling them 'tradition' instead. It means the same basic thing...and it sounds a heck of a lot better. I mean, Christmas dinner is tradition. If I could, I would definitely avoid eating 7lbs of dead bird while trying not to breathe too deeply while telling stinky old aunt Milicent why it is that I am not afraid of burning in hell for living with a boy I am not married to (for the 3rd straight year in a row). Now this situation is truly BAD, and frankly I think that smoking 3 packs a day would be much healthier. But I subject myself to it routinely because it's tradition, and therefore no one hassles me about it. There are no government-sponsored PSAs warning me about the health risks of Grandma's stuffing that is surely just swimming with salmonella. Watching your fat uncle unbutton his pants after dinner while your mother tells the whole room about your inabilities to trap a man into the confines of marriage will induce years worth of intensive therapy, but who tries to prevent it? NO ONE! It's tradition!

Therefore, I move to make the following into tradition, starting today. Feel free to add your own:

1. Matinee martinis.
2. Dancing in the rain, even when it's somewhat dirty or somewhat cold.
3. Wearing a weather-inappropriate outfit because it's cute, even when it's freezing.
4. Not justifying crazy midnight romps.
5. Cigars on girls-night out.
6. Lusting after other men, especially the witty ones.
7. Going down in a movie theatre.
8. Letting boys buy me drinks, even though I'm an old married woman.
9. Telling lies.
10. Letting the milk sit in my cereal bowl in the sink all day long because I couldn't be bothered to rinse it out.
11. Not making my bed. Ever.
12. Hating math.
13. Refusing all invitations to the birthday parties of my friends' snotty-nosed children.
14. Objectifying men.
15. Wearing pjs past noon at least 5 days a week.
16. Overpaying for shoes.
17. Launching sprinklers through various front windows.
18. Being serviced first.
19. Going to Jamaica for Christmas.
20. Not proofreading anything at Kill the Goat.
21. Enjoying herbs.
22. Dancing to Whitney Houston in the shower.
23. Not answering when my mother-in-law is on the call display.
24. Returning the presents Jason lovingly picked out for me for cash.
25. Signing people up to be saved.
26. Taking out foul moods on our husbands.
27. Inspiring fist fights.
28. Being completely self-involved.
29. Getting hopelessly lost at Ikea every single time I go there.
30. Admiring myself in various reflective surfaces.
31. Eating our weight in chocolate.
32. Bucket margaritas.
33. A pack and a half a day.
34. Sex and the City repeats.
35. Hating people for no good reason.
36. Staying up all night to read a book.
37. Eating all the pringles.

"It's not my fault - it's tradition!!"

1 comment:

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