1. You refer to your pets as your children.
Cappy says: Love your dogs, just don't love your dogs.
2. You've ever seen an episode of Dr. Phil.
Dr. Phil: as helpful as he is handsome.
3. You eat meat for breakfast.
4. Your favourite author is Stephen King. Or John Grisham.
Try instead: Margaret Atwood, Saul Bellow, John Cheever, Charles Dickens, Thomas Hardy, Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Henry James, Ian McEwan, Toni Morrison, Alice Munro, Michael Ondaatje, Ayn Rand, Mordecai Richler, John Steinbeck. There is better stuff out there.
5. You have a ringtone. Any ringtone. If your cellphone does anything other than just ring, you deserve to be shot. In the neck. And as the blood gurgles in your throat, and bubbles out the bullethole, you should be conscious enough to know that you are drowning in your own blood and about to burn in the special hell reserved for people with ringtones.
6. You can't shut up about your damn kids.
7. You don't drink.
Ummm, I think you're missing the point.
8. Your idea of funny is constantly recycling old Simpsons jokes.
9. You still own anything acid-washed.
Dude, you are so not my friend.
10. You think all Canadians grow crops.
11. You think fruit is art.
Ah, sir, I think you ARE the fruit.
12. You let your toenails grow long - and worse still, you think your long toenails are so wonderful that you give them a french pedicure. Puke. People like you don't deserve to have feet.
13. You pencil-in extra "quotation marks" on greeting cards.
14. You keep a wad of kleenex up your sleeve - worse still if your sleeves are sheer and you're my 6th grade teacher and every time you gesture the whole class has to watch your dirty kleenex travel up to your armpit, get stuck there, and then travel back down as you tell us that the world is going to end in 7 years.
15. You're not black, but you think you are.
Hey, nice bling.
16. You watch any kind of cop/detective/medical/forensics drama.
CSI: Another Lame Attempt at Maudlin Programming
17. You dropped my favourite book in the pool, and then returned it to me swollen, mouldy, and back broken as if nothing had happened.
18. You've rammed your grocery cart into the backs of my heels.
Slow the fuck down. Respect the buffer of space.
19. You endanger your life but save 3 precious seconds by darting into traffic before the walk sign is lit.
Sign should read: Don't walk you idiot.
20. You spit.
I know, I know. It isn't fair to always pick on the camels.
21. You dip your grilled cheese in ketchup.
22. You drive a PT Cruiser or an Aztek.
Ugliest car on earth?
Oh wait. Toss up.
23. You work retail but can't make change.
24. You order a salad at McDonald's.
Newsflash: McDonald's is not healthy. Deal with it, or go somewhere else where a salad makes sense.
25. You think cheerleading is a sport.
26. You talk about yourself in the third person.
27. You've ever worn socks with sandals.
28. You own a velour track suit.
If you're an elf, then you have my blessing. Everyone else, burn the velour. That shit is nasty.
29. You wear your cell phone on your belt.
Ah, the epitome of cool.
30. You think milk is a mixer.
Curdle, curdle, curdle.