Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Nippola Nippola Nippola Nippola Nippolaaaa!

Following in the series of Ask Jamie, Stephen wants to know: why do men have nipples?

First, as a woman, let me just say this: it is perfectly okay to have a body part (or 2, or 3) that is reserved just for pleasure. As a matter of fact, it's great. It's 2 chocolate brownie sundaes, the kind with french vanilla ice cream that's just beginning to melt, and fresh homemade whipped cream, all covered in gooey hot fudge sauce. Oh yes, it's that good.

So if your nipples serve no other purpose than "oh my...oh my...oh yessss", then you should be okay with that.

However, if you must search for a higher meaning for your nipples, then look no further. If you want an answer, then I'll give you an answer, even if I have to make one up (which I am in no way doing, just to set the record straight).

Like other body parts that seemingly have no real function (the appendix for one, and ah...the um, earlobe, for another), many people believe that male nipples may simply be leftover from a time when we did need them. Evidence of evolution, you might say. For example, many yorn ago (and this is purely conjecture), appendixes (appendi?) served as homing devices. As you know, our hairy ancestors (and no, I am not referring to Jason's uncle Ned, although...whoa buddy, keep your shirt on) were nomads. Burger Kings were spaced really far apart back then, so they'd have to pack up their animal pelts (again, not referring to uncle Ned, although yes, I did call him that one Christmas after too much egg nog) and follow the meat. And unfortunately, no one had invented those yellow-tinted snow goggles that all the hottie snowboarders wear, and we all know that cavemen are much too manly to hold hands, and so the nomads got separated, but every spring their appendixes would put out silent homing signals so the people could meet up and fuck like rabbits.

So yeah. In conclusion, appendixes once were useful. Now all they do is cause trouble. Other useless appendages located on the outside of the body are usually pierced. If they can't be useful, they might as well be pretty (much like me).

However, it is my belief that nipples are not leftover from some prior use. I believe that man-nipples have only "recently" evolved and are in fact destined for some future use. That's right folks, you heard it here first: man-nipples may be dormant right now, but some day soon, maybe as soon as next Tuesday, they could suddenly come to life and take over the world!!!!!
Or, serve some less hostile function, other than world domination.

Possible future uses for man-nipples:

1. Podcasts. Don't ask me how; I can't reveal everything.

2. Portable paprika and saffron shakers. Trust me on this: salt and pepper are on their way out.

3. An identification system that replaces fingerprints or eye-scans or codes to your bank card that everyone forgets as soon as they choose them.

4. Ambient temperature gauge.

5. Really personal secret handshakes, perfect for the modern polygamous marriage.

6. Reference point for a highly-tuned Global Positioning System.

7. Home to entire (albeit tiny) universes populated by subatomic men named Alfred.

8. Using each nipple as a point plotted in star constellations, men will finally be able to "discover" that elusive passageway to China.

9. System of superior measurement - tossing aside both the yard and meter, human beings worldwide will now measure things in terms of the 'nippola', the distance between one nipple and the other.

10. After discovering that the male nipple will indeed produce (after being milked repeatedly for about a month's duration) a viscous green substance unfit for human consumption, it will be found to be perfect for gassing up cars, thus solving the oil crisis, restoring world peace, and causing George W. Bush to repent of his evil ways while suctioning up his teats.

No comments: