Monday, September 12, 2005

A List of Things That Have Recently Occurred to Me, In No Particular Order:

1. It is September. September sucks. Everyone knows that only evil ever comes from September: Star Trek first aired in September; the first Miss America pageant ran in September; Alberta and Saskatchewan joined confederation in September, and I think we can all agree that's when Canada started to go downhill; Play-Doh was introduced to the world in September, and 30 years later I would consume it one unsupervised September morning, and boy does that stuff hurt when it's passing through you. Anyhoo, in short, screw off, September!

2. Math is unnatural. Nowhere else in life are answers so black and white, right or wrong. Like anything else worthwhile, you should be able to argue almost any answer with false logic, loud statements, and the use of multiple exclamation points. For example, which of these makes the most intuitive sense?

a) 2 x 3 = 6


b) 2 x 3 = in the conservatory with a candlestick dammit. Any fool can see that Colonel Mustard is clearly the culprit. What are you, stupid? Huh? Are you too stupid to see what's right in front of your face? Candlestick!!!!!

Yeah. Eerie, isn't it?

3. Rejection can be a blessing.

4. Sleeping in a car gives you quite the crick in your neck.

5. You know how they say "Sticks and stones may break your bones but names will never hurt you". Well here's the thing. Neither sticks nor stones have ever broken my bones. I mean, once I fell off my bike and a bunch of gravel got stuck in my knee, but I think that was more the bike's fault. On the other hand, names HAVE hurt me. Oh yes.

6. I have a prize iris, just the one, that I sing to and care for and love immensely. Her name is Fauna. She's white and delicate and usually very thirsty. I have a toy poodle that I also adore. She is white and delicate, and less thirsty, but needs almost constant grooming. Her name is Flora. Flora and Fauna are imaginary but they give as much satisfaction as solving a math equation a la #2. Hehe. I just said #2.

7. Don't you think that the whole "black hole" thing is just a tad convenient? I mean, there can never be proof because its gravity is so strong that nothing could ever escape it, such as post cards. Fishy, no? And it's not like we've ever heard anything from black holes...

Dear Stephen Hawking,
Hi. I'm a black hole. How are you doing? I am fine just a little lonely, and oh yeah,
I exist.

Nope. It's just a prediction thanks to the theory of general relativity, which frankly, is also on my shit list. I mean, if you're so important, shouldn't you have a better name than general relativity. That's like calling me general person. At least I have a proper name. But this theory still only predicts that black holes can exist, and black holes aren't exactly stepping up to the plate. So I think you should all track down an encyclopedia today and do the world a favour by blacking out the black hole entry. An exacto knife will also do the trick. I have taken the further liberty of saving future generations from other entries, such as general relativity, math, vegetarianism, breast feeding, covered stadiums, and weaving.

Oh, and here's another prediction*: black holes are dumb even if they do exist, not to mention useless, and The Leafs will take the cup.

*I realize this prediction sounds a lot like opinion, but trust me, it's a prediction.

8. I know Americans don't like to admit to being wrong, but I think it's high time they abandon their strange spellings and awkward wording and revert to the English that is used by the British. I mean, you have to admit that the English more or less invented English. I think they know what they're talking about. And sometimes you have to wonder if the English settlers who eventually made their way over here and shared their language with us, were playing some joke on us. They probably still can't believe they got us to call trousers pants for goodness sake, and who knows what other offensive things we've been saying? In Canada we have it much worse because we have a warbly combination of both Englishes. We have a u in humour but a z(ed) in realize. I mean, bless those Americans: even when they make mistakes, they go all the way and hang on tight. If they're doing something wrong you can be sure it's going to be REALLY WRONG, more wrong than any other country in the world!! But I think that in this age of globalization, when we are faced with the many languages of the world, we should make every effort to at least be able to understand our fellow Anglos, eh?

9. If aliens exist, and I for one believe they do, then I rather think it's a safe supposition to say that their technology will far outstrip ours should they ever choose to visit. And if that's so, I dare say that their spacecraft will not be made out of tin and flashy lights, as constantly depicted by stupid, unimaginative humans. I mean, you'd think they would travel by light waves, or energy, or some form of teletransportation, not some dome that looks suspiciously like a pimped-out Honda Civic. Sheesh.

10. I like getting ready to go out when Jason is out of the house. I mean, what is the point of putting on mascara if you're seen applying it? Doesn't that burst the illusion and defeat the whole point? So I rather like having a whole afternoon to primp. The only problem is, I still have not worked out a good system for curling the back of my own head. I mean, what was God thinking, putting hair in the most inconvenient of places, and then giving us arms that are just not able to fully extend? God is so not a woman. A woman would either have designed us with hair on our chests where it's easier to reach, or given us multi-jointed super long arms in order to get back there with a curling iron (also giving us the ability to do up our own dress zippers, which are thoughtlessly located on the back!). Maybe evolution will adapt us to this modern complexity. We can only hope. Meanwhile, those of us (me) with two-toned hair are in big trouble, because the slut-blonde in the front consistently looks lovely, while the lilac purple in the back falls flat. Is there some trick to this that I'm just not getting?

11. Speaking of evolution, how many more years do you think we have until us humans are locked up in cages? I mean, I think that evolution must really sneak up on you, and even if it didn't, the next guy in line is going to be more highly evolved and therefore much smarter, so we don't stand a chance. I mean, apparently we come from monkeys, right? But monkeys didn't just disappear when humans evolved from them. Now there are monkeys AND humans, and the monkeys are all in zoos. So it follows that when these long-armed people with hairy chests evolve from us, they'll decide we're awfully cute, lock us up, watch us throw shit at each other, and test their cosmetics and drugs out on us. In fact, I believe that the rise of the cubicle is just a higher life form trying to ready us for our future homes and get us used to small confined spaces where we are robbed of all dignity. Pretty grim future, isn't it?

Jason's not-so-distant relative


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