Monday, September 26, 2005

1. Dudes, the OC premiered, and no one told me? Okay, so I missed last season's finale for the same reason. I am TV-disorganized. And don't even say the word Tivo to me, unless you have no further use for your kidneys, which I will punch into pancakes. Anyhow, I caught this week's episode (well, I accidentally taped it, but that totally counts). And I was watching Ryan and Marisa "do it", and I realized that I was watching child pornography. I mean, they're high school kids, which means they're minors. They ain't legal. So if I watch minors perform sexual acts, well, that's what perverts go to prison for. Yikes.

2. So, we're hoarding boxes. Okay? That's just a premise you'll have to accept for this next bit to make sense. Jason and I went for an evening walk, and we stopped by the grocery store to get Jason a 50cent Kit Kat because somehow he just knew that his blood sugar was dangerously low. So anyway, for the last month or so it has been my policy not to give the grocery store my business unless I could bring my food home in boxes, and there are several times during the week when there's slim pickins as far as boxes are concerned. But there was an abundance of boxes on this particular night, so I took 2. Yes, 2 boxes to carry home Jason's chocolate bar, which he actually ate before we even reached the sidewalk. Whatever. But then we had to carry these suckers home. So I fiddled annoyingly with mine until Jason offered to take it too (it was small enough to fit inside of his). But on the last leg of the walk, Jason was exasperated by its awkward size, so I took them back. And almost instantly, like half a dozen cars drove by, where none had been before. And Jason just couldn't deal with all these people seeing me carry home a box (which, I'm sure most people would assume was not empty), so his pride made him take them back. Heh. I love male pride!

3. My grandparents are dealers. Their current stash is large enough to get them busted not just for possession, but for trafficking, even though they're very careful and "only sell to people they know." But the law is tightening its belt, and the simple precautions of yore just aren't enough these days. Just last week, a total stranger knocked on their door to inquire as to how good a take they had on them. My grandparents denied knowing anything about it, and got rid of him quickly. Still, they're getting a bit too old for these shenanigans. My grandfather is thinking about selling off his equipment and giving up the business altogether. This is unfortunate, because they were never in it for the selling; they just enjoyed it recreationally. And not to be selfish, but man, I really loved being able to get the stuff for free! And I'll miss all the paraphenalia around their house, and the cute set-up they had for packaging the stuff themselves, and the scales for measuring, and the mysterious packages in the freezer. Good times. When I was a kid, I even went on runs with my grandfather. Those were some of the best times we had together. Even my grandmother, who often complained about the dangers of his going out by himself, will end up missing it in the end. And I think that we all took comfort in the fact that old fishermen never die, they just smell that way.

4. If the bible was really meant to be read, I think that:

a) they would have hired editors - at least 85% of it could have been cut, no problem.

b) they would have taken out the awkward phrasings, particularly the 'thou didsts' and the 'thou mayest nots'.

c) they would have planned for a happy ending. No one likes a downer. Bonus points if you leave some wiggle room for a sequel.

5. Jason has this thing where rims really bother him, and it seems that there are more and more cars with really ridiculous rims. I mean, if you drive a car that costs less than a good bottle of wine, you don't need rims. No, scratch that. You don't need rims no matter what kind of car you drive. Especially the twirly kind. You look like a goof. And what's even more annoying, is that Jason cannot stop himself from pointing out and mocking each and every specimen of this. EVERY one, and believe me, we live in a town of goofs. They may be on welfare, relying on other people's charity to clothe their kids, and getting evicted 3 times a month from roach-infested holes in the wall, but they have money for 3 things: fast food, beer, and pimping out their 1986 Ford Tempo. Classy.

6. Jason's grandparents recently had a trip out East, and they took the route that goes through Maine, and took some sort of high-speed catamaran to save them 6 hours of driving time. They had to drive like mad to make the boat on time, which left at 4pm and required them to be checked in by 3. But after a series of unfortunate events, they did not arrive until 3:59 which would mean losing their money, having to stay in a hotel, and losing a whole day of vacation. But for some odd reason, they were allowed to board the boat. Why? Well, it seems that on that very boat sat the elusive Richard Hatch, Mister "Oops I forgot to pay the taxes on my million dollar Survivor prize" and just then, the law had finally caught up with him. So, as he was arrested and led away, the boat was delayed, and Jason's grandparents now owe a debt to the fat naked guy that America loved to hate.

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