Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Things I learned in the storm.

1. It's surprisingly possible to declare a pajama day at your local seedy bar.

2. When drinking rye and coke by the pitcherful, the glass is totally negligible if you have 2 straws.

3. Inappropriate and wildly imaginative conversation should only be interrupted to belt out classic rock lyrics that may or may not be playing in the background at the time.

4. It is not compulsory to kiss members of the same sex while flirting with members of both sexes, but it's pretty damn fun.

5. While sitting on the public pot, it is totally acceptable to open the door while your pants are still around your ankles if (and only if) there is a nipple ring on display. Points off for breaking the seal.

6. Boys do not forget an offer of three-way sex no matter how drunk they (or you) were.

7. After being accused of being "a retarded amount of fun", you will of course feel compelled to repeat the performance again the next night, regardless of the severe weather warning issued by Environment Canada.

8. There is no excuse for wearing sling back heels (no socks, obviously) on a night when over 50 cm of snow is expected.

9. No matter how much hash you smoke, your toes will still be cold. However, the fact that your friend appears to be wearing an umbrella-hat is happily distracting.

10. No matter how many times you hear "only an idiot would go out in this weather", the enticement of a crowded dancefloor and a bad Britney Spears remix will prove impossible to resist.

11. Cabbies, on the other hand, will heed the warning, and taxis will be completely unavailable.

12. Indeed, when you decide to hoof it for lack of better options, the city streets will be deserted (from what you can tell, anyway, it being "white out conditions" out there). No cabs, no public transportation, no cars whatsoever, aside from the ones sitting crookedly in ditches, or buried under several feet of hard-packed snow.

13. No matter how close to the yellow line in the middle of the road you walk, the snow drifts will still be up to your crotch.

14. Luckily, sex on the beach cures all.

15. I mentioned about the menage a trois, right? Turns out, it still buys you drinks the next day.

16. As implausible as it sounds, a one-man acoustic version of Billy Jean is pretty damn rockin.

17. There comes a point, a line gets crossed, when you just know that on Monday morning you won't be able to look at these people in quite the same way, but what the hell, life is fun, and this is what it's all about.

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