Monday, January 30, 2012

Pain is so demeaning when it stops you in your tracks.
It robs you of your personhood a little, it takes part of you away.
And the loneliness.
The loneliness of it is pain too, less acute, more hollow.

But it's amazing what searing pain can teach you.
You can reach the outer limits of yourself, that squibbly border where the universe slowly becomes me, where my skin and the thing next to it are virtually indistinguishable, where pain is just a thing, a thing inside my head that is in fact not bigger than I am.

Meditation is to conquer the beast.
To sit down and have an intellectual conversation with it.

Comfort is the bedside table: the chocolates that I don't even pretend to hesitate over, the books with unbroken spines, the blister packs.

Victory is sleep - despite, or in spite?
Just sleep.


Travis Cody said...

Chronic pain sucks.

kenju said...

I'm so sorry, Jay. Hope it can be conquered soon.

Jude said...

Chronic pain sucks! I hope you'll be able to find relief permanently Jay.

It's SO good to see you back, I was thinking of trying to email you!

And I love the invitations you are doing, they're fabulous..... welcome back! :-) said...

awwww she has returned to blogging finally. this is tweetey30. I have missed you and wondered if you were coming back anytime soon... Hope all is well besides the pain.

Martini said...

I feel your pain. Get it? No, it's true. Only someone who suffers from chronic or debilitating pain can understand. Even doctors can't always understand unles they've been there before.

BBC said...

Ah, a post.

It robs you of your personhood a little, it takes part of you away.

Depending on where the pain is it can rob you of a hell of a lot. Hang in there.

mo.stoneskin said...

Victory is sleep, that's bang on the money. It's been a while, sorry to read of your pain.

Jay said...

It's such a great feeling to come here and see all of you. I feel like old friends have found me in the night.