And the answer is...

Wait, don't you even want to hear the question first? It's the answer to the age-old question: what the heck is an age-old question? I mean, people toss that phrase around like it's meaningful, but take another look. Age-old question. That seems incomplete. Like the first time it was said or written was a mistake, probably some pothead, or else George W. Bush. But no, we all say it. What we don't say is "Hi, I'm Jay and I'm age-old." Because of course we're exactly as old as our age! Everyone is! So we have to be a little more specific, as in "Hi, I'm Jay, and I'm 19 years old" (okay, so this is not strictly true, but why wait until I'm 40 to start lying about my age?). So therefore, shouldn't we give this same consideration to supposedly age-old questions. Because if it's supposed to mean that this particular question has been around since the dawn of the ages, I highly doubt that can be true. Or do we really mean it's an old-age question? Because let's face it, senior citizens are the most confused people you will ever meet....but they don't generally ask a lot of questions other than Eh? Eh?

So questions must have some sort of age, and it certainly isn't eons and eons. If you google the phrase age-old question, here are some age-old questions that come up:

-How old is the Earth?
Well, granted that's a good question, but I think that people have not been wondering it for all that long. A few centuries, sure, but not forever and ever. I mean, when you have other burning questions, such as How do I make things burn? it's hard to sit around and think about the bigger picture. Plus, it probably should not be considered an age-old question anymore, since it seems that we now know the answer (well, not me personally, but you know what I mean).

-How was your day at school?
Well that one does get asked a lot, but the question itself can only be as old as school is, which again, is not that old. A while, yes, but not since the ice ages or anything. Back then, parents were like Hey, check your sister for gnats, or, Does this buffalo pelt make me look fat?, and kids were lucky enough to spend their days skating and snowboarding and making ice sculptures and not even going to school at all.

-Overheating (some of these don't make sense, but they're Google results, so blame G)
Okay, this is too easy, that one is not even a question! And assuming it refers to cars, well, we can all agree that cars are a relatively new invention. I think we just need to combine the ice age with the overheating problem, and then we'd have a solution!

-Does life really begin at 40?
Well obviously there is a problem with the definition of age here. Because 40 is an age, and it can't be when life begins, because we begin counting age when life begins. So obviously life began when you started accumulating age, 40 years ago. And this question could in fact be pretty old, but it can't have started at the beginning of time, because Adam and Eve had to have been at least 40 before they started bitching about it.

-How do I throw up and still look like a lady?
Yes, this has puzzled humankind since Mrs. Cro Magnon got all loaded up on Peppermint Schnapps and then puked it up, trying to maintain the delicate balance of knees together in that tiny slutty skirt, and holding your hair out of vomit projectile. Very ladylike indeed. You may not know this, but I myself am at times a lady, and I have a little experience in the area. Take it from someone who has lain on a few bathroom floors: you don't.