Sunday, December 05, 2004

Honk if you Love Natural Breasts

Yeah, me too.

So anyway, I got the shaft again this morning. Where did all the hot water go? This morning's shower was destined to suck either way, I guess, but I would rather it suck in scalding hot water than in water cold as a witch's tit (god I hate that expression!). On most days, I have a tried and tested showering method:
1. get wet
2. shampoo, lather
3. soap body
4. wash face
5. rinse
6. condition
7. brush teeth
9. rinse
10. squeegee shower, towel self, moisturize
Today my mind could not connect 1 to 2 to 3 to 4. Before the hot water ran out, this is what I managed:
1. got wet
2. shampooed
3. soaped
4. conditioned
5. screamed
Now if you think things look normal until the scream, look again. It doesn't really matter that I forgot to wash my face, or never got around to brushing my teeth. What matters is that I never rinsed out the shampoo. I just put the conditioner right on top of it, and I was just discovering my mistake when ice pellets starting spitting out of my shower head. So I had to give it a quick rinse, pulling that move where you stand outside the spray of the water and kind of arch your back so your hair is under the water but not much else. This certainly doesn't keep you warm, but I guess I just felt I had to try. I don't think I did a very good job of rinsing because my hair feels heavier than normal today...but it helped my hair keep its curl a little better, so I guess things aren't that bad. And since my hair is dark blue, it's kind of hard to tell it's goopy with shampoo or not. The dark back-drop also is perfect for highlighting dandruff. Great, eh? Well, actually, I don't have dandruff. Oh how I wish it was just a dandruff problem that I had! My problem is hair lint.
Hair lint? What the hell is hair lint?
I don't know where it comes from (no, I don't wear hats). It just appears, in my pretty pretty hair. I'm not a fan of lint. I never knew I had a lint problem, because for the past couple of months my hair's been blonde and nothing shows up in the blonde. Before that, it was pink, and I guess the pink is just so shocking that you don't notice much else. Now I have to remember to give myself a 'lint check' in the mirror before leaving the house. And it's nothing like the lint checks I give Jason's bellybutton. I'm in a whole nother ballgame now.

I went out to dinner with some old friends from high school tonight. We discussed, among other things: who got pregnant, who got married, who got gay. I managed not to call anyone Matt. And I got to show off my new year's gown. Everyone just adored the golden cornstalks.

God I love Diet Pepsi. Love it, love it, love it. I don't need it every day, but I like to know it's there. Some days I just crave it. If I had to choose just one beverage to drink for the rest of my life, it would definitely be water. Or daiquiris. Just tonight I spilled daiquiri on my shirt. And I shouldn't even be drinking because of the meds I'm on, but, meh. Gosh I love Diet Pepsi. Just love it!

I recently heard some very good news. The sequel that we have all been waiting for will soon (well, as soon as movies are made) be coming to a theatre near you! That's right, we finally get to see what happens next for the people on Titanic! Okay, that is in no way true. No way. But the real sequel is even better stuff than Titanic, if you can imagine that...Mrs. Doubtfire! Mrs. Doubtfire!!!

Sometimes, when I'm home alone and watching TV, my ear starts to bleed. The TV is way loud. So loud that even the rats scurry out to frown at me, and they'll usually only keep me company if I'm tossing crumbs the size of softballs. How does the TV get so loud?

Dear Jan,
You know the other day when you were making those noises that you claimed were words, and I insisted were not? Well, having just seen the Lemony Snicket commercial for the first time, I must now concede that you were not making up Lemony Snicket, and that it indeed is a new Jim Carrey movie. Sorry about the misunderstanding. I really wish I hadn't pulled that chunk of your hair out now. But I think if you just keep it up in a ponytail the bald spot won't be too obvious.

I taped The Simpsons for Jason tonight. What a good wife I am! I don't mind tooting my own horn. If I don't toot it, no one else will. Especially since I fucked up the tape. I tripped over the TV wire and yanked it right out of the wall. Obviously, without power, the VCR does not record. So the episode skips from Marge yelling at Kim Cattrall to her leaping on lava rocks. Woops! Please tell me it's the thought that counts. I'm sure we only missed some run-of-the-mill Simpsons hilarity, and we still got the gist of the show. Gist. Hehe. Gist is a funny word.

12 comments:

someonegeneric said...

Wow!

I can't wait for Titanic part II. I watched the first one yesterday, a great idea for exam procrastination. It was good fun.

I am currently trying to get over my diet pepsi addiction. Haven't been too successful. Maybe we should start a support group. If you want to give up your obssession. I'm afraid that my teeth will soon rot. But dentures could be cool.

Elena

Jay said...

Dentures ARE cool! My grandfather just loves to pop them out at random times. He usually makes at least one grandkid cry per Christmas!

transience said...

hahahahaha! there you go again. want another funny word? pith. sounds like an excretory function for a person with a lisp.

wait...that wasn't too funny was it? crap.

Gone Away said...

Ummm, you could try dyeing your hair lint color...?

Harry said...

With enough lint I could HAVE hair.

Jay said...

If pith is not a funny word, then I'm in trouble, because it gave me funny-cramps. And as for Harry: well, I can start collecting it all in a little ball for you if you want. But dude, that's kinda gross.
J

Karass said...

that's SO weird--I was just looking up the word pith yesterday to see if it was used correctly (and it wasn't). I have red and black hair, I have this thing called beach head which has chips of bamboo--it's awesome because it helps you spike your hair--but now I'm at the bottom of the container and I never noticed until the other day that the bamboo all fell to the bottom so when I use it, I get tons of bamboo. I guess for weeks, I had huge, weird looking dandruff chips in my hair. I wonder how long I've been walking around with these gigantic white dandruff looking particles in my hair. and I wonder why I can't get a date!

citygurl said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
citygurl said...

I listen to the tv so loud my roommate constantly complains of ear bleeding. I can't help it. I like it loud.

what on earth can happen in mrs. doubtfire 2? didn't that movie wrap up all happy?

What I want to know is what comes after "after sunset" b/c I felt cheated by that sequel, i mean they build up to this great love scene and right before you know ethan hawke's about to get up and makeout with julie delphy, they end the movie. WHERE'S THE PAYOFF IN THAT?? Damn it, I paid to see the kiss.

Thérèse said...

Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!

I can't decide what was the funniest thing I read in your post.

Was it..

1 - The mental picture of the back arching to get the hair rinsed if at all possible without getting the back wet?

2 - The love of Diet Pepsi? (I can't believe how similar I feel about it.. only I feel that way about Sprite - fountain pop. I could have written that paragraph.)

3 - The title of your post, and the fact that it had nothing to do with anything you talked about?

4 - The fact that you are patting yourself on the back in that last paragraph, only to add that you didn't actually succeed in your do-gooder mission, in the same sentence?

Hard to say. Jury's still out.

Also, love your blog title.

Love it, love it, love it.

Ha ha...

Dave Grijalva said...

HONK!

genetic mishap said...

great post, hilarious!