Monday, December 13, 2004

Merry Christmas To All, And To All, A Good Night

Well, it has come to my attention that David Hasselhoff was not nearly greasy enough to offend everyone's tastes, so obviously I have not done my job properly. Please allow me this second chance.

For most Christians, Christmas is a holy holiday to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ. Along with the Christmas tree and stockings, they unpack their Nativity sets. It is the scene of the birth: all the key players are there, Jesus takes centre stage in his manger. My mother had one that she had made in ceramics class and hand-painted herself. It's a nice sentiment.

But then someone told me of a little discovery in a Christian bookstore...The Veggie Tales Christmas Nativity set. If you're not sure who The Veggie Tales are, then I guess you're not up at 7am on Saturday mornings (lucky you!). Because that's where you'd find them, a popular children's cartoon featuring singing and dancing vegetables. That's right, now your children can see Larry the Cucumber dressed as Joseph, and Laura the Carrot as Mary. The set includes all your favourites: Jimmy and Jerry Gourd, Mr. Lunt, Junior Asparagus, Pa Grape, and yes, even the French Peas. Oh la la!

Now, if you're not sure how much that blurs the line between cute and inappropriate, then I submit to you this little piece of evidence that is sure to push you over the edge:

Over in London, at the famous Madame Tussaud's wax museum, they have rigged up their own Nativity scene.

Visitors to the museum got to vote in the 'characters', so now appearing as Mary and Joseph are Victoria Beckham (aka Posh Spice) and her soccer-star husband, David.

Hey Victoria, remember when you were just a slutty spice girl?

Yeah, me too.
You know, I doubt the Virgin Mary really belongs in a lineup like that...and as for the gold glitter outfit, well.... And what about the songs with lyrics such as : "Come a little bit closer baby/Get it on, get it on/Cause tonight is the night when two become one" Yowza.

But wait, it gets better...Hugh Grant and Samuel L. Jackson get to play shepherds! That's Hugh there with the sheep tucked in his arm. Sweet, huh? But, kudos to them for at least including a non-caucasion into the mix!

Hey Hugh, sorry to bring this up buddy, you know I adore you, but remember back when you were arrested for that thing involving a certain hooker?

Yeah, me too.

But wait, it gets even better! Remember the Three Wise Men? This is going to blow your mind: playing the parts are Tony Blair, the Duke of Edingburgh, and George Bush.

George Bush..wise man...the jokes are endless.

Hey George, remember the pretzel that got the better of you?

Remember how you keep falling off your bicycle?

Remember the war in Iraq? WMD? The past four years?

Yeah, me too.

And finally, no Nativity scene would be complete without the angel, played here by Kylie Minogue...that's right, the Locomotion girl!

Just look at that booty! Very holy indeed.

So, by now I must have offended your sensibilities. Scalded them, probably.
Merry Christmas.


angie said...



Although the VeggieTales is supposed to be Christian themed anyway, so I don't think that's so bad.

But the wax museum?


transience said...

david beckham and victoria? gawd, that was funny! +D

CandaceKate said...

George W as a wise man! Gotta love those Brits and their wacky sense of humor!

Jay said...

Yes, the Christian theme is not new to the Veggie Tales; their last big movie deals with the story of Jonah, you know, the prophet of God. So if you don't think it's a complete mockery of the Bible to have Mary the Carrot and Baby Jesus the pea, then hey, terrific.
It made me look twice is all I'm saying.
As for the wax museum, well I've lately heard that the churches of many different religions have united to denounce the exhibit, so at least it's bringing people together, right?
I guess we just don't have a very good sense of humour about these things!

Cal the Wonderdog said...

I don't think the wax museum tried hard enough to amuse/offend/whatever.

How about this: David Hasselhoff as the Virgin Mary and George Michael and Boy George as Joseph and Joseph, the co-fathers who didn't get to donate their sperm because they didn't have to due to the fact it was an immaculate conception.

The above was inspired by the fact that someone recently emailed me excerpts of the book, "Is your dog gay?" and am trying to see alternative lifestyles in the proper light. The problem is, I just can't seem to get the image of that police dog and streaker out of my head (see my recent post) Though many dogs love them, I've never cared for snaugages myself.

Hey, btw, do you consider the Hugh Grant/sheep thing a statement of sorts. (cue Elvis singing the first lines of "I can't help falling in love with you)

Darlene said...

Ok, that is just hillarious! I never even heard of this exhibit. I popped into your website, never expecting I would get the inside scoop on Christmas.

Gotta love Hugh! But who was the twisted artist that put him in that ghastly outfit.

As Larry the cucumber would say, "I laughed, I cried, it moved me Bob"...

Lee said...

What's this? The veggie tales are on tv. Saturday mornings? I must set my did this one slip by me all this time?

ROFL - the wax museum....well, Jesus is for everyone! There you have it!


Bookish Wendy said...

What a great post! I love nativity scenes although I must admit that the waxies scare me a bit. Wasn't there some public outcry over the whole Posh/Mary thing?! People have wayyyy too much time on their hands.

Thanks for stopping by my blog!


Tara said...

This post was too funny. I'm not a Christian, but I get really offended but stuff like that. I think it does cross the line too much. But then again, everything is pretty well commercialized these days.

Bush a wise man? How the hell ironic is that. I am sure we could blog all day on that one!

amy said...

You know, I don't mind the Veggie Tales on the whole - but I guess I never realized that they had made a nativity out of them - which is kinda weird if you ask me. As for the wax nativity - only the Brits would come up with something as comically classic as that. The choices for Wise Men were dead-on. Raised in a Christian household, I could certainly get offended by it, but I honestly think it's just a caption of where British pop culture is at the moment - who they're talking about, who they're worshiping, etc. Either way - it's hilarious and despite my own religious leanings, I'm not offended.

Jay - got anymore Hoff up your sleeve? ;)

Jamie said...


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Jay said...

Whoa whoa whoa,
Cal, are you suggesting possible bestiality at the Birth of Jesus Christ? I admit, the sheep in the arm is a little dubious, but like Darlene, I just love Hugh Grant (if you missed it, there was an earlier post entitled the 10 men i'd like to find under my tree...and yeah, he's on it).
Amy, I really have to agree with you: this is a form of worship. Sadly, it seems the brits (and absolutely the rest of the western world too, I suppose), seem more disposed to worship celebrities than the virgin mother and the son of God himself.

BeckyBumbleFuck said...

THAT was a great find! The wax nativity scene is certainly the funniest thing I've seen this week! Props for posting that one.

eros & psyche said...

you gave me a gas laughing at this article. omoshiroi (funny and interesting) as them japanese say it.