Merry Christmas To All, And To All, A Good Night

Well, it has come to my attention that David Hasselhoff was not nearly greasy enough to offend everyone's tastes, so obviously I have not done my job properly. Please allow me this second chance.

For most Christians, Christmas is a holy holiday to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ. Along with the Christmas tree and stockings, they unpack their Nativity sets. It is the scene of the birth: all the key players are there, Jesus takes centre stage in his manger. My mother had one that she had made in ceramics class and hand-painted herself. It's a nice sentiment.

But then someone told me of a little discovery in a Christian bookstore...The Veggie Tales Christmas Nativity set. If you're not sure who The Veggie Tales are, then I guess you're not up at 7am on Saturday mornings (lucky you!). Because that's where you'd find them, a popular children's cartoon featuring singing and dancing vegetables. That's right, now your children can see Larry the Cucumber dressed as Joseph, and Laura the Carrot as Mary. The set includes all your favourites: Jimmy and Jerry Gourd, Mr. Lunt, Junior Asparagus, Pa Grape, and yes, even the French Peas. Oh la la!



Now, if you're not sure how much that blurs the line between cute and inappropriate, then I submit to you this little piece of evidence that is sure to push you over the edge:

Over in London, at the famous Madame Tussaud's wax museum, they have rigged up their own Nativity scene.



Visitors to the museum got to vote in the 'characters', so now appearing as Mary and Joseph are Victoria Beckham (aka Posh Spice) and her soccer-star husband, David.




Hey Victoria, remember when you were just a slutty spice girl?






Yeah, me too.
You know, I doubt the Virgin Mary really belongs in a lineup like that...and as for the gold glitter outfit, well.... And what about the songs with lyrics such as : "Come a little bit closer baby/Get it on, get it on/Cause tonight is the night when two become one" Yowza.

But wait, it gets better...Hugh Grant and Samuel L. Jackson get to play shepherds! That's Hugh there with the sheep tucked in his arm. Sweet, huh? But, kudos to them for at least including a non-caucasion into the mix!




Hey Hugh, sorry to bring this up buddy, you know I adore you, but remember back when you were arrested for that thing involving a certain hooker?





Yeah, me too.

But wait, it gets even better! Remember the Three Wise Men? This is going to blow your mind: playing the parts are Tony Blair, the Duke of Edingburgh, and George Bush.




George Bush..wise man...the jokes are endless.

Hey George, remember the pretzel that got the better of you?




Remember how you keep falling off your bicycle?




Remember the war in Iraq? WMD? The past four years?

Yeah, me too.


And finally, no Nativity scene would be complete without the angel, played here by Kylie Minogue...that's right, the Locomotion girl!



Just look at that booty! Very holy indeed.

So, by now I must have offended your sensibilities. Scalded them, probably.
Merry Christmas.