Wednesday, December 08, 2004

It's All In The Hips

I woke up this morning because my bed was shaking. It took my ears a few minutes to deliver the message: Noise! Loud, loud noise, as it turns out. I thought to myself, why do my neighbours always mow their lawns so early in the morning? It's a travesty. Ungodly. Unneighbourly. And the old people are so anal about their lawns, it's never just a mow, there's the trimming and the clipping and the whipper-snippering, and the raking, and the watering. Ugh. What a long summer!

Ohhh yeah.

Clearly they can't be mowing, this is December. Without even opening my eyes, I surmise that the snow has come. Welcome to Canada.

And snow it did. Lots of snow, the lethal kind. The kind that makes you say a prayer under your breath that your loved ones are all driving safely. The kind that kids rejoice in because they provide snow days-no school! (and yes, my sister did indeed have the day off of school). The kind that old people wait all fall for because it gives them a project, something to do with their days that they haven't had since they last mowed their lawns! Everyone on the block has the latest snow-blower, and it's a competition to see not only who can get out there the fastest in the morning, but who can have the cleanest driveway. They don't just clear the snow. After plowing, they get out the shovel and the pick so they can chip off every last piece of ice from the cement. They salt, and they admire their good work. And they do it all before 8 am , if at all possible. Which is crazy, because it's not like most of them have anywhere to go. But should they want to go out, oh boy, could they ever!It may be winter everywhere else, but in their driveways, it may as well be June.

A little after noon, I ventured out for a walk. Snow had definitely blanketed the neighbourhood. It looks beautiful all covered in white, before cars and dogs come dirty it up. And it was so so quiet. So quiet it was eerie, and I could feel all these old pairs of eyes on my back, watching me pick my way in the snow. It felt like a cross between Winter Wonderland and Village of the Damned. I would not have been surprised if all the old people zombied their way out of their houses and chased me home.

I was telling this to my sister T and she was concerned for me because Jason and I could only count on the little boy who lives right beside us for help should such a situation arise. And as I pointed out, he's quite small and doesn't throw much of a punch. But T told me to look on the bright side: his height would have his punches landing right on old-people kryptonite: their hips! It would take the gentlest of nudges in the hip-region, and the geisers would be down for the count. I'm not sure exactly what it sounds like to hear that many hips breaking at the same time (tinkling glass maybe?) but the mere thought was enough to send shivers down my spine.
Anyhoo, nothing like that has happened, YET. But when/if it does, I'll be aiming for the hips, baby.

12 comments:

Craig McComas said...

Doesn't it suck to wake up to loud noise? Since moving to Chicago I have been awakened by a marathon, a fire department parade accompanied with sirens, and almost every day for the past month and a half there has been a pile driver banging away less than a hundred yards away right across the street. There's nothing louder than several tons of steel colliding over and over again. Plus I can't go fifteen minutes without an ambulance or a squad car going by. Can't people stay out of trouble once in awhile? Sheesh!

P.S. numerous hip shatterings sound more like doing five laps in a pool of potato chips.

Bridge said...

Hi,since you dropped by and left a note I had to check out your site as well. I like it. And your husband's note was sooo sweet!

Thanks for dropping by. Check back in sometime.
~Bridgette

Alexandra said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Jay said...

Potato chips, eh? You know, I never would have come up with that. Maybe because my grandparents generally have a few beers in them, so I imagine their bones being not as dry-sounding as most old people bones. Sure does paint a pretty picture though.

Acat said...

from heavy snow to old decrepid zombies. ur blog has everything.

==============

just saying hi and thanks for dropping by..

Harry said...

The small boy next door provides yet another reason to be thankful this wrinkly old fart lives near Chicago. The Windy City comments only make me gloat to use the word "near". But the part about (I hate to type the word) loud machines merely inspire more ideas to rail against. Ta, J.

Tara said...

This story reminded me of when I was a little kid and use to live just North of Ohio with my family. Everyday was lawn appreciation day in our neighborhood. And come Sunday, they appreciated it even more. If there wasn't someone doing loud yard work before 8 a.m., I would have began to wonder if my parents had moved us in my sleep!

jes said...

dude. i can't even imagine that much snow. enough to warrant a snow blower? geez. i need to get out more often. the last time i was in a lot of snow (probably 1 foot of it) was about ten years ago, the last time i was in Wash DC.

i live in Texas. i think today the high was near 70.

Milo said...

I feel it's some sort of rule that if one comments on your blog you must comment on theirs! so here i am reading your latest entry... why do people have snowblowers??? I HATE THOSE THINGS! Snow Shovels are much nicer! mehem... yes so i have commented! have a spiffy day!

Jay said...

Yes, people, snow-blowers...those things that save your back from hours of hard labour every single morning for 8 months of the year. If you think you can live without, then you clearly aren't Canadian.

Cal the Wonderdog said...

My human still doesn't have his snowblower working. I hate that thing. Great thing about it is he didn't notice me peeing in the gas can after he took the lid off and went inside for a fresh spark plug. I'm looking forward to a quiet winter.

Sometimes, life is good, especially when it's the sound of shovels scraping the sidewalk instead of that loudish-monster snow thrower thingy killing my eardrums . . .

transience said...

sleep is a commodity. early-morning noise should be banned.