The other day, Jason came home from work just shaking. He had that devilish grin on him that just screamed I HAVE A SECRET!
Jamie: "Jason, do you have something to tell me?"
Jason: "Well, I have a story. No wait. I shouldn't tell you. God I want to tell you."
Jamie: "Out with it."
Jason cannot keep a secret from me. He's almost as bad at keeping secrets as I am. I love to buy him presents. I shop weeks or months ahead, bring it home, hide it anywhere really (Jason is really unsuspecting and agonizingly gullible), but as soon as he gets home, he's all like:
and I'm all like:
"Okay, yeah, I bought you a present! It's hiding in the closet! Go try it on!"
My mom always says that I will forever be a faithful wife because I wouldn't have the good sense to keep the affair a secret. Yeah, Mom, that's why.
Anyway, so Jason had a secret to tell, and I knew it wasn't going to take much to get it out of him. Turns out, he had found another loophole at work. When he started at this company, he went into email withdrawal because hotmail is blocked...but he signed up for a gmail account and bypassed that problem. Then he was sad to find out he couldn't get onto blogger at work...until he realized that he could google my site and get here via a link. However, one of those links was not like the others, one of those links just didn't belong...
My new friend Rico The Squirrel has a site dedicated to criticizing the blogs he reads. As he puts it, "Blogs suck. Nobody wants to read yer fucking diary. So just stop. God, blogs really suck. -Shut yer blog." And of course starting your own blog where you consistently misspell the difficult word 'your' is the best way to propagate your message.
Jason had discovered that on December 10th, my site had received the honour of the second worst blog he'd read that day. Now that really bothered me, because I always say that if you're going to do something, do it well. Be the best, or be the worst, but never, EVER, come in second!!!! Who beat me? Fred Durst, the dude from Limp Bizkit. I'm not even in good company here!
His beef with me is concerning my December 9th post, and here's what he had to say:
Let's cut to the chase. Yer a whore. You don't get up before noon. But if you absolutely must do, you act the bitch. To avoid doing anything besides sitting on yer fat ass and daydreaming, you shake yer teats in yer husband's face "for like 5 minutes straight." Do you finish the job? Does he get full release? Not likely, cuz yer a lazy, baws-tripping slag. Will someone please slap this woman? And unless yer going to start posting nude photos of yerself, SHUT YER BLOG.
Here's what I have to say:
1. Okay, that's kind of a cute thing to do, I guess. I'm usually a pretty critical person myself. He's also down on Jenna Elfman, Margaret Cho, Dave Barry (hey, I love Dave Barry!), Mark Cuban, and plenty of every-day people like me.
2. Lazy? You bet! Have I ever denied this?
3. Baws-tripping slag? Can someone please define this for me, I'm too lazy to look it up myself.
4. Ohhh...you wanted nude photos. Sorry dude. Here I thought you were a witty critic, and turns out you're just another kid who can't get laid and wants free pictures of my tatas. Yeah, no.
So here's the deal:
I am now campaigning for him to give me the #1 spot on his worst blog readers list. I'm going to get Ben Affleck to stump for me, and a cute be-dimpled running mate, and I'm going to threaten to take away America's favourite ketchup souce if I don't win.
Oh wait, wrong campaign.
I don't need a pretty vp or catchy slogan; I think my posts stand for themselves. I have written plenty of crap this month, surely something will be worthy! So please, spare me a moment out of your busy lives, go to his site, scroll down to December 10th, and leave a comment under my second place ranking saying you would looove if I could be upgraded to #1 on some future date. Thanks all, I really appreciate it.