The other day, Jason came home from work just shaking. He had that devilish grin on him that just screamed I HAVE A SECRET!
Jamie: "Jason, do you have something to tell me?"
Jason: "Well, I have a story. No wait. I shouldn't tell you. God I want to tell you."
Jamie: "Out with it."
Jason cannot keep a secret from me. He's almost as bad at keeping secrets as I am. I love to buy him presents. I shop weeks or months ahead, bring it home, hide it anywhere really (Jason is really unsuspecting and agonizingly gullible), but as soon as he gets home, he's all like:
"Hey."
and I'm all like:
"Okay, yeah, I bought you a present! It's hiding in the closet! Go try it on!"
My mom always says that I will forever be a faithful wife because I wouldn't have the good sense to keep the affair a secret. Yeah, Mom, that's why.
Anyway, so Jason had a secret to tell, and I knew it wasn't going to take much to get it out of him. Turns out, he had found another loophole at work. When he started at this company, he went into email withdrawal because hotmail is blocked...but he signed up for a gmail account and bypassed that problem. Then he was sad to find out he couldn't get onto blogger at work...until he realized that he could google my site and get here via a link. However, one of those links was not like the others, one of those links just didn't belong...
My new friend Rico The Squirrel has a site dedicated to criticizing the blogs he reads. As he puts it, "Blogs suck. Nobody wants to read yer fucking diary. So just stop. God, blogs really suck. -Shut yer blog." And of course starting your own blog where you consistently misspell the difficult word 'your' is the best way to propagate your message.
Jason had discovered that on December 10th, my site had received the honour of the second worst blog he'd read that day. Now that really bothered me, because I always say that if you're going to do something, do it well. Be the best, or be the worst, but never, EVER, come in second!!!! Who beat me? Fred Durst, the dude from Limp Bizkit. I'm not even in good company here!
His beef with me is concerning my December 9th post, and here's what he had to say:
Let's cut to the chase. Yer a whore. You don't get up before noon. But if you absolutely must do, you act the bitch. To avoid doing anything besides sitting on yer fat ass and daydreaming, you shake yer teats in yer husband's face "for like 5 minutes straight." Do you finish the job? Does he get full release? Not likely, cuz yer a lazy, baws-tripping slag. Will someone please slap this woman? And unless yer going to start posting nude photos of yerself, SHUT YER BLOG.
Here's what I have to say:
1. Okay, that's kind of a cute thing to do, I guess. I'm usually a pretty critical person myself. He's also down on Jenna Elfman, Margaret Cho, Dave Barry (hey, I love Dave Barry!), Mark Cuban, and plenty of every-day people like me.
2. Lazy? You bet! Have I ever denied this?
3. Baws-tripping slag? Can someone please define this for me, I'm too lazy to look it up myself.
4. Ohhh...you wanted nude photos. Sorry dude. Here I thought you were a witty critic, and turns out you're just another kid who can't get laid and wants free pictures of my tatas. Yeah, no.
So here's the deal:
I am now campaigning for him to give me the #1 spot on his worst blog readers list. I'm going to get Ben Affleck to stump for me, and a cute be-dimpled running mate, and I'm going to threaten to take away America's favourite ketchup souce if I don't win.
Oh wait, wrong campaign.
I don't need a pretty vp or catchy slogan; I think my posts stand for themselves. I have written plenty of crap this month, surely something will be worthy! So please, spare me a moment out of your busy lives, go to his site, scroll down to December 10th, and leave a comment under my second place ranking saying you would looove if I could be upgraded to #1 on some future date. Thanks all, I really appreciate it.
16 comments:
my what do I do to get on Rico the squirrels site
I guess continue what Im doing :)
Jay,
I just went to check out the squirrels site on your request. And for the first time, I read 'shake what your momma gave you'. I must say, it probably was one of the worst blogs I have ever read, but that is also what makes it one of the best. Sorry to disappoint you. I laughed my head off.
You are just too good at being bad! Now you just need to work on being the worst, and I look forward to reading.
Okay, well thanks for your vote of "encouragement" and by that, I mean that I will cry myself to sleep tonight.
But if you both went to read my bad stuff, you somehow both missed the whole point, which was to leave a comment on his site, preferably at my post, asking for me to be number one...without that, well, I guess it's just an insult isn't it?
Jay,
Thanks to you, I have been going around the house shaking my boobies and saying "shake what yo momma gave you". I can't get that saying out of my head! My daughter is starting to dance and say it now too, and she is only six. I told her not to say it in class, but she could say it at recess. She hasn't been witness to the boobie shaking part of it yet, thankfully. But my husband has, and is enjoying it immensly.
I'm sure he thanks you.
you must be really good for rico to take notice.
Man...some folks just don't recognize talent when it slaps them in the face huh? I agree, you must be good to have gotten his attention.
"Envy is ignorance. Imitation is suicide." This quotation from Emerson has always dogged me. But unfortunately Mr. Rico the un-squirrel is afraid of something. After reading his rants, it seems he has a fear of mediocrity and tries (by way of putting on an aggressive face) to understand why he is missing out on understanding how humans like to communicate and share experiences with each other. So that explains the "envy" side of his ignorance.
As for the "imitation" side of it, he, like every other blogger, is far from being an original genius. There are hundreds, maybe thousands of critic blogs out there. Retreading other bloggers retreadedness. Yeeehawww, welcome to the age of self-publishing. Yawwwn, time to nap now, just had a big drink out the ceramic water fountain in the bathroom - man is that water cooooold . . . . .
Not to mention that Mr. Rico has no idea of the speed at which you can apparently respond to things.
My window was still closing after I posted to my blog and you'd replied to it! I'm a little afraid to turn around right now for fear you're standing there watching me, with camera in hand, ready to say "Would you mind? It's for Rico..."
Your blog is much better than mine. If I had more than just you as a reader, I'd nominate you for Best SomethingOrOther that doesn't involve how much you suck. Or blow. Hmmm, or any non-oral sex descriptor. :P
Wow, that was the sweetest, craziest thing anyone has said to be all day... thanks!
And Cal, I hear you about the cold water: just today I was unfortunately in that bowl myself...I dropped my lipstick in it! Now, I should just learn my lesson, doing my makeup right beside the toilet is a bad thing, accidents happen when you're rouging yourself, and plop! But the lighting in there is the best, and so every once in a while, I have to reach in where no human hand belongs (and probably no dog snout belongs...don't you get in trouble for that?)...and still, my $40 perfect shade of red lipstick is fit for la poubelle. It's a shame really.
Meanwhile - This Rico the Squirrel has the Worst Blog of the Decade… his blog is CRAP –
Looks like all he does is cut & paste others postings... the people who are creative or thoughtful - and then criticizes with piss poor grammar...
Jamie,
How does everything we own end up in the toilet at one point or another?
Love,
Jason
P.S: Don't use your toothbrush for a little while.
xo
hey, that guy is such an idiot, he's the one that should shut up! Well good job, u rock.
love amelia
What are Rico and his friends saying of me currently?
The Macek Collective,
http://www.themacekcollective.blogspot.com/ :
And to the little trollop - people don't bitch at you because you are a slow dresser, its because you're slow. And from the sound of it, this Jason fucknugget may be taking advantage of the retarded. I'm callin the fuzz.
Rico:
Yes, please do alert the authorities. Or phone up fuckholed Fred Durst. Maybe he could write a protest song, if he ever stopping "thinking too much." Wait, he thinks to much, "Jay" daydreams too much... What a pair of fuckwads.
Lola
http://www.bitterwithbaggage.blogspot.com/ :
As far as the whore goes... I can't say much. Though I've never shook my boobs in my husband's face (mostly because I don't have a husband), I know full well that the boobies can be used as quite a distracting weapon. I'm not admitting I've ever used them as a weapon. I'm just sayin'...
The Macek Collective:
While The Collective will never run across The Jay and Jason Fucktarded show in Teen People, I'm certainly going to see that fucknugget along the way.
See, Freddy's expertise is 'thinking too much' (as he has in his limpdick profile).
Jay and Jason are obviously lacking in this regard.
At 6:04 AM, Jake said...
Ahh!
AND ACK! You got tatas?!!! LOL So definitely, you didn't have sex with me! Hehehe
Yes well, sometimes happily married women wish they were happily single gay men, cause you guys have some cute men...rrrowooww!
At 12:38 PM, Jesster said...
If I had a hat, I'd doff it to you, my friend. I'm settling in right now with a big latte to enjoy the "worst" blog.
Keep up the excellent work! :)
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