Friday, December 03, 2004

Christmas Threw Up in My Apartment

After 3 days of an intensive decorative process, I am finally satisfied that there is not a spare inch left to cram a bow on to save my life. The stockings are hung, the garlands are strung, the midget tree is up and sparkling, and by tomorrow it will all be giving me a migraine and I'll have to scale wayyyy back. But tonight I think it's cute and twinkly and lovely. And I'm only slightly injured: both feet dented, and one cut finger (why can I never handle a picture frame without cutting myself or dropping it on my toe?).

The holiday insanity is definitely setting in, even in me, because today I violated rule #1 of surviving Christmas: Never get within 100 meters of a Walmart during the month of December.

Also, in the eastern area of Ontario in which I live, we had our first thin covering of snow today. Not that that stopped me from going out in my sandals...which I now admit was a mistake. They're not flipflops or anything, they're heels with the toe part of the shoe and the heel part of the shoe, but with nothing in between, leaving the bare middle of my foot exposed to snow and slush. Ick. But I looked good. Until I slipped. In Walmart.

Now, it wasn't a collossol slip, like the winter of 2000 in front of hundreds of students at the University of Ottawa (big patch of ice, busy intersection, short skirt). But my pretty heels momentarily lost traction and though I held on and did not bruise my butt, I did give Jason a good scare. Actually, it may have been better if I had ended up sprawled on the floor with 2 (or so) broken vertebrae. Then I could live off my $54 000 settlement and people would feel compelled to call me Lucky. And I always wanted a cheesy nickname like that.

In keeping with the Christmas spirit, we drove by 'Christmas House' again tonight, because these people take festive to a whole nother level, and people like that deserve to have cars drive by slowly, some honking, others just rocking slightly due to the laughter of the occupants. Every blade of grass is sufficiently smothered by Christmas paraphenalia: reindeers that pretend to eat, inflatable 12-foot snowmen, santa's sleigh, and enough lights to knock their electricity bill into a whole nother tax bracket. But to me, the funniest part is the roof, which features Frosty, the Grinch, and the baby Jesus, all smiling side by side. Is that the spirit or what?
Kinda like the TraveLodge in London, which is generously offering a free night's stay to couples named Mary and Joseph during the Christmas holidays. I guess that's supposed to make up for the original Mary and Joseph meeting up with all those 'no vacancy' signs and having to stay in a crappy manger. Which is still better than some of the couches that I've stayed on, but I guess it's a nice sentiment no matter how you look at it (with proper id of course).


Amanda said...

We have such a christmas house here. This woman puts all her stuff up mid-October, she has so many lighted things, the nearby airport has literally had to get a warrant to prevent her from lighting them all.

Jay said...

Oh my gosh! I'm sorry, I'm laughing, but I know it's probably an annoyance to anyone living too close by. Hopefully she unplugs them at a decent hour, otherwise you'd have that glow coming through your windows at all hours of the night!

Harry said...

I must have passed through Ontario driving home from Chicago (that day I got lost; don't get me started!) and those sappy lights actually looked nice. But that small-town cop of yours needs lessons in dealing with John Q, although I'd rather you don't mention my name.I still haven't mailed in the fine. (good stuff of yours, what I are funny as all get-out.)