Sunday, May 08, 2005

A Person Who Is Heading North Is Not Making Any Mistake, In My Opinion.

A hearty hello to all of you, or at least to the few of you who may still be checking for my lusty return.

Also, my sincere thanks to all of you who sent me emails in concern of my health. They were kind and much appreciated; Jason was quite dutiful in reading them to me during my convalescence.

Far outnumbering the get-well emails were the 'where the hell is the Friday Fuckfest?' emails, for which I am somewhat amused, and also most assuredly sorry. You can trust that it will be back this week in all its embarrassing glory.

Rest assured that I am quite well and not ill at all. I was overeager and overenthusiastic about a new writing project, and my back went on strike. As many of you know, though it has healed in its entirety from the last surgery, the scar tissue continues to prove a nuisance and as punishment for sitting for longs periods, it starts to force its way out of my skin, and alas, I found myself with a new oozing sore, turning the act of sitting into a physical impossibility (in short, it was d).

To anyone still harboring doubts: there is no threat of a baby J, ever, and I notice it was mostly some people who definitely know better than that who perpetuated that rumour, although as Jason is wont to say, "Jay, you brought this on yourself." Fair enough.

To clear up other, some of them even nastier, rumours:

1. Please do not for a second think that I have ever watched an episode of Regis & Kelly. While I do believe that Kelly is an improvement over Kathie Lee, that margin of improvement is infinitesimally small. My share of the morning ratings would belong to Ellen, though I have not actually been up that early since 2003.

2. I have no plans, current or future, for taking over Hollywood, but if I did, I am quite intrigued by the idea of a diamond-studded sink.

3. Although I do believe the game of Parcheesi is available up here in the Great White North, I have never seen it in person, much less played the game. I did discover the oddity that is Battleship, however, in my 22nd year, and find it a curious, if not highly entertaining game.

4. I have not been touched by a hot Brazilian man in much, much too long. Actually, I probably prefer the females from that area...clearly something magical is in the water, there are some great bazooms on those chickitas!

5. I have not run dry. There is clearly nothing dry about me. Urm, well, by which I meant to poke fun about my alcoholism, but I may have left myself open for comments of another nature.

6. I do have rage, although I tend to think of it as insuppressible, and my admission of this fact probably contradicts the denial factor. I have never been raped by a possum, unless I'm just suppressing the memory of it, or living in denial. I do, however, think I would notice if I was labouring over my possum baby, and so far, nothing to report on that front.

7. Upon recently watching my first ever episode of Dr. Who, I immediately felt I had been played for the fool. To all of you who played a part in getting me to watch it, I applaud your trickery. What straight faces you kept while telling me it was "good". A follow-up conversation I had with a good friend of mine who lives on the other side of the great pond (he doesn't want to be identified any more than that for fear of retribution) offered this piece of clarity: "People over here don't know any better. We have crap TV."

8. The goat is alive and well. The goat will out live us all.

9. I have not recently come into contact with any of the following: space hamsters, double agents, giant clams, Jessica Simpson, navel-obsessed aliens, Family Guy on DVD, duck sandwiches, or pan-dimensional fluxes (fluxi?).

10. I have recently come into contact with a prison cell, but only briefly,and it probably didn't mar my blogging ability; martini-heightened love making is a given, although at my house we call it "fucking" because I'm still not grown up enough to call it making love with a straight face; and stalkers aplenty, but none so fetching as the dear Lois Lane.

So there you have it. I am back until my back opens up again, or until silence overwhelms me, or until I wear my fingers down to the nub, or until I fall off the face of the Earth, which ever comes first (feel free to place your bets now).

Meanwhile, I am off to celebrate mother's day with my husband. I received the most wonderful gift a girl could ask for (and yes, I did ask for it): the shower has been regrouted! We're also picnicking in the park for as long as the good weather permits.

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