Friday, May 13, 2005

Friday Fuckfest

Fucktards of the week:

The Backstreet Boys.

Dear "Boys": you're supposed to pursue solo projects, discover that only one of you is really saleable to the general public, then after the trials and tribulations of drug rehab, dumb clothing lines, and failed attempts to travel into outer space, you're supposed to break up so the world can finally be rid of you. So what the hell? It's 2005, at least 4 of you should be at home crying to Momma about how life ain't fair while trying desperately to make "comebacks" that none of you deserve (you just don't appreciate that it was only by the grace of a rare black hole that you ever made a record in the first place) while salivating jealously over the apparent success of the black sheep bandmate who could buy and sell your soul.

Jamie recommends:

Creepy first guy with the bad facial hair: Become friends with Donnie from The New Kids On The Block. Something tells me you two have a lot in common.
Chubby blonde guy: Lay off the Krispy Kremes. Apply at KFC.
Mildly attractive guy in the middle: If you start training now, I'd say you have the makings for Britney Spears' 5th or 6th husband.
Small blonde man: Avoid prison, you'd be somebody's little woman in no time with your cute little nose and sweet altar-boy voice (for that matter, stay out of churches too).
Guy who's pretending he's not gay on the end: Come out of the closet. It's not a well-kept secret anyway. Become the 6th Queer Eye, whose specialty is "delusions of unemployment".

Fucker of the week:

No, not Hank Hill. Hank Hill is my hero. Hank Hill will save us all.

I'm talking about the annoying guy in the neighbourhood who must mow his lawn obsessively, regularly, and unfailingly before 7am (if possible, before the sun comes up). It's damn annoying.

First you get on your big fancy machine which you polish as often as your car, and named Bertha, evidenced by the vanity license plate which you have affixed to her rear end. Then you get your little sun canopy attached, and the big bag thing to catch the clippings, and you must know we're all laughing at you, but as you cut around corners with diamond-tip precision, you obviously don't care. Your lawn is more pristine than any baseball diamond or golf course. Then you get out the push-mower to make sure you have that obnoxious criss cross pattern going (what the hell is the point of that?), and then the weed-whacker, and the hedger, and the pruning shears. By the time you're finished, it's time to start all over again, AND YOU DO!!!

But that's not the worst part. No, the worst part is when you attach the little trailer to the back of your lawn mower, and drive it up the street. Does this make you feel cool? Manly? Special? Well, it shouldn't. The whole neighbourhood thinks you suffer from some sort of diminished mental capacity. Especially when we see you coming home with a couple of bags from the corner store tossed in the little wagon. Why do you ride your lawn mower to the corner store? What is wrong with you? I can only hope that your grown children will have the good sense to throw you into a nursing home good and early.

Most fuckable of the week:

Jason Lee

Tall, dark, handsome, sexy eye crinkles when he smiles. He's an obvious choice.

I fell in love with him via Mallrats, and am always delighted to find him reincarnated with the regulars in Kevin Smith films, of which I am a big fan.

Also find him in: Kissing A Fool (why do I like this movie? how do I like this movie? can only be explained by Jason Lee's presence), Almost Famous, The Incredibles (well, his yummy voice anyway).

Not just a hottie, but "funny and gentlemanly" too, according to friend Ben Affleck. He got his acting start in a Spike Jonze music video, but was a well known professional skateboarder long before that (retired at the age of 26). Now, between acting jobs, he owns his own skateboarding business, so I'm thinking, athletic and rich? Count me in.


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