Men I Intend to Marry:

Yes, I do realize that it is a legal requirement that I be divorced from the first husband before "embarking" on the second, but the truth is, I'm not sure if remarriage will ever be in the cards for me (despite what a psychic reading recently revealed). I didn't really expect it the first time around (marriage, I mean); it was a happy accident that couldn't be helped - love is referred to as whirlwindy for a reason, I suppose. And for that reason, I really don't expect to be so lucky a second time. I've had my Big Love, even if it wasn't the happily-ever-after that I probably (hopefully) deserved. So now if I have to "settle" for acrobatic sexual feats, dear friends who would do anything for me, new friends who make me laugh over plates of pasta, and a series of belly-clenching, foot-raising, heart-stopping, breath-quickening first kisses, then damn, I guess that will just have to do.



Now here's a list of boys who I wouldn't mind doing it with (and for comparison's sake, the old list). Is it just time that changes, or is it me?




1. Rick Mercer: Oh he's a cool guy, that Rick Mercer. In just 22 minutes a week, he manages to make me giggle. Some guys get a car ride, a martini, fettuccine alfredo, another martini, the wait in line to buy the tickets, the dark moments in the theatre before and after the movie, the car ride home, and the agonizing walk to my front door to make me laugh, even just a little, even just once, just a slight hah, even an eyebrow raised in appreciation or the corner of my mouth lifted in faint amusement would suffice, but still they fail. But not Rick. Rick is good. He is clever and witty and I even believe him to be a good person. Imagine that.










2. Timbaland: Who can resist such a super talented guy? I mean first of all, just think of all the cool ring tones I would have! And he knows all the right people - would I say no to a threesome with Justin Timberlake? Well, maybe. Would I say no to a threesome with Nelly Furtado? Try and stop me! Good thing he loves me just the way I are.





3. James McAvoy: How cute is he? How panty-wetting is that accent? Something tells me I could be rough with him, and that he would like it. Is that terrible? Yes, that's probably terrible. I should stop thinking such naughty thoughts. Like now. Or, in 30 minutes. Because he's probably a nice guy. He's probably got a Mum. He probably keeps his elbows off the table and everything, and I just keep thinking about flipping up my skirt and...oh wait. Down girl.


4. Madonna: While this is technically a list of men I intend to marry, Her Madgesty probably has the biggest balls on this list, or anywhere, and therefore qualifies in spades. Besides which, she's just boss. I adore her. She's fierce and she knows what she likes. I don't often say this, but for Madonna, I would totally obey. I would be her slave, for like, 30 whole minutes (yeah, I'm thinking those 30 minutes that I'm not thinking about James). I don't want to settle down and adopt African children with her. I just want to suck her toes. Haha. Totally kidding about the toes.

5. Jim Halpert: I hope he finds eternal happiness with Pam, I really do, but if for some reason it doesn't work out, he can have my number and I will happily rip off his button-down shirt, use his tie imaginatively, and put the photocopier in the office to alternative use. RRrrowwwrrrr.



6. Hawksley Workman: Yes, I know I've hummed about him before, but honestly, there are very few men in the world who sing directly to your crotch, and he is one of them. He's just a big bowl of ice cream and I want to lick him all up. You don't need any more proof than the evidence in his latest song, Piano Blink, which sounds like it was written just for me. I can get totally blissed out just listening to him sing in my bedroom, and if he makes me that happy through the wonders of internet piracy, then just imagine how powerful he'd be in person!





7. Jason Segel: It was hard to pick just one of Judd Apatow's gang for inclusion on this list. In reality, I'm picturing something much more polyandrous, because who wouldn't want to live in a house full of cute boys who can make you laugh? I have had love for Jason since Freaks and Geeks, which is to say, for quite some time. And amazingly, I kept that love even through Undeclared, and if you remember the pathetic blubbering mess of his character, then you know that's quite a feat. Having just seen Forgetting Sarah Marshall, I have to say that this boy brings something new to the table - unlike most Hollywood types, I can actually imagine having a conversation with him that doesn't make me want to jump off a bridge suspended over some very pointy rocks, and if that ain't romance, I don't know what is!




8. Clive Owen: Excuse me, but is this man not sex on legs? Movie theatres actually have to set their climate control ten degrees cooler when this man is on screen because ooooooeeeeee, he's on fire. See me breaking out into a sweat just typing about him? Now just think about the heat I'd be generating if there was actual skin-on-skin going on. We'd be talking epic, fire-ball proportions! Whew. Better get some flame-retardant sheets.

9. Jasper Fforde: Every time I review a Fforde book over at The Quickie Book Review, 2 things always happen: 1. I propose marriage 2. I make terrible double-f jokes, such as Fforde is Ffucking awesome! The truth is, #2 is probably a major reason for his continuing lack of response to #1. But I gotta give the guy some props, because even without a proper author photo on his book jacket, I still want to have his babies. His last book prompted me to offer "good lasagna and bad wine" , and you know what that means. Just be my boyfriend already!

10. Simon Pegg: Simon Pegg is something else entirely, an unlikely movie star with a knack for satire and wit that makes me melty. Yes, the dry humour does get me off, but the fact that he's a bit mysterious doesn't hurt either. If he's a cookie, I'd like to crack him. Doesn't that sound deliciously dirty?

Friday Fuckfest, Hunks of My Youth

Today's post is brought to you by the letter C, for all the cheesy 80s sitcoms that inspired the posters that adorned the unicorn wallpaper of my childhood bedroom.

Kirk Cameron.

Were there any sweeter words to my 8 year old heart?
Not even when a pre-pubescent Leonardo DiCaprio joined the cast of Growing Pains did my crush diminish.

Of course, if I had been a more avid Tiger Beat reader, I may have fallen out of love a little quicker: not only did he stop growing when he was 12, not only is he a vegetarian with 6 kids, but he's an ardent member of the Christian Right.

Nooooooooo!!
Oh well, I still standby my claim: in 1986, Mike Seaver was the shit.





Sure Rudy was a cutie patootie and Cliff's sweaters were da bomb, but there was on reason we watched The Cosby Show so faithfully, and that was Denise.

Lisa Bonet played the sexy and surprising bad girl of the Cosby household, and boy did I love to watch her dance around during the show's opening credits.

But then she very carefully shattered her girl-next-door image by posing naked and slurping all over Lenny Kravitz, which killed her career but inspired chubbies all over North America.







Charles in charge of our days and our nights...
Oh, if only Charles had been in charge of me. But no, my babysitter was a weirdo who once fed my sister plant fertilizer, who ate it because she "thought it looked like cotton candy." True story.

But I digress. Scott Baio was the epitome of "teen idol" and through the magic of syndication, you could get your fill of Charles (and Chachi) whenever I wanted.

And I sing, I want,
I want Charge in Charge of me.






Okay, so I was a little infatuated with Tony Danza too, but the real hottie of Who's The Boss was without a doubt Alyssa Milano.
She started out on the show as a bit of a tomboy, but Sam quickly grew to be a true vamp.

I remember that I got my first training bra the same week she did on the show, and then, week after week, we seemed to watch her fill hers out. Hubba hubba!








And finally, what list would be complete without the awe and adulation owed to Uncle Jesse?

John Stamos was the P.I.M.P. of Full House, and every little girl thought she'd grow up to marry someone just like him (and preferably, him).

We loved him when he sang, we loved when he channeled The King and swivelled his hips, we loved him when he revved his motorcycle, and damn, we even loved him despite his mullet.

....Have mercy!




Truth telling time: who were you crushing on when you were a kid?

Friday Fuckfest, Canadian Edition

Why does Canada breed so many hotties? Is it the smoke in our stacks, the mercury in our fish, or the fact that we fuck in the cold?

Nobody knows why, and nobody really cares, not when there's eye candy around.

1. Hawksley Workman
"Bringing the sex back to sex, drugs, and rock & roll."


When I first fell in love: Striptease, which will forever remind me of walking to work on the way Parliament, past the condo building across from the Rideau Centre that never got finished the whole time I lived in Ottawa (the fence was covered in posters).
Why I stay in love: Smoke Baby is the sexiest song I have ever heard. No Sissies is a great, fun car song, cranked up to 11. Even an Ugly Man is perfect for naked slow dancing with the lights down low (these are good tunes people, check them out).


2. Rachel McAdams
"It's the freckles, isn't it?"


When I first fell in love: Wedding Crashers...sorry, I've never seen any of the others, but she's just adorable in this. Three female generations of my family wept over the Notebook, which was all the reason I needed to avoid it forever.
Why I stay in love: The combination of sweet & sexy has proven irresistible since the dawning of time - and this girl has it in backhoes ( because backhoes are bigger than spades).


3. Ryan Gosling
"Practising the smouldering look since 1984".


When I first fell in love: Good lord this is going to embarrass me. He apparently grew up in the same small town as I did (though surely neither of us freely admits this), and I was familiar with his name from the local newspaper back in his days from the Mickey Mouse Club with Britney and Justin. But I didn't come to know him until the days of Breaker High - the cheesiest piece of crap on TV at 3am while I was in high school. He was skinny and dorky, but when you can't sleep, you can't sleep.
Why I stay in love: Well, he's filled out quite a bit. That's a good start. And Half Nelson proves he's as brilliant as he is beautiful.



4. Nelly Furtado
"Like all Canadian women, knows how to rock a parka."


When I first fell in love: Back when she was like a bird and just wanted to fly away. She was the freshest face on Much Music, and had lyrics and music that represented our country's cultural diversity.
Why I stay in love: Though her music has become a safer brand of pop of late, she's a veritable yummy mummy, and still knows how to shake it.


5. Ryan Reynolds
"Inspiring Alanis's sexiest angry breakup songs to date."


When I first fell in love: A little TV show called Two Guys, A Girl, and a Pizza Place (later they lost the pizza place). He was the adorable Berg, and he gave me a reason to stay in on a school night.
Why I stay in love: When your husband forces you to watch a little blood-bath called Smokin Aces, this guy makes it bearable.


6. Carly Pope
"Making the unpopular, popular."


When I first fell in love: Popular, a great, short-lived TV series, where she somehow made unpopular look cool (not to mention, hot).
Why I stay in love: Haven't seen her recently, read that she's in school, which is the smartest thing I've heard all day. Good on ya, kid.




Okay, so once in a winter solstice we slip up and produce some ugmosity, but Canada still has the highest cuties per capita ratio in the world. The next time you breed, you should think about that. I mean, the biggest favour you can do your kids is being Canadian yourselves...but if you can't be Canadian, then at least make travel plans during ovulation, and make love on our fertile lands....your kids will thank you.

Joyeux vendredi, tout le monde.

Friday Fuckfest Does Sex and the City

{For Jen, who arrived with her library of SATC DVDs and knew without a doubt that I'd have a fridge full of cosmos, and who needs to remember that life, like the show, is only superficially about men (the loving AND the hating of them) - in the end, it's your friends that count.}


He's suave, moneyed, and debonair, and I hope to god they called him Mr. Big for a reason...

Still, Mr. Big was never my favourite.

I know, I know, I can hear the boos all the way from here.

But while it may be true that Big and Carrie were meant to be, it has to be said that he's not good enough for me, and he sure as hell ain't good enough to make the Most Fuckable cut.

Chris Noth's impish smile might dazzle me for a moment or two, but to make my list, you need to be more than just handsome. Big is a womanizer. He's elusive and ambivalent. He wants her the most when he can't have her. Sound like anyone you know? Yes, most likely: why do we women always fall for the men who are no good for us?

And why do we push away those that are?


Kyle MacLachlan is much handsomer off the show - as Charlotte's husband Doctor Trey, I could never get past the stick up his ass to like him much.

I did, however, love the exercise my eyebrow got (you know, the one I cock slightly to show disdain) when we found out he was impotent. Few of us had any pity on him - he was so smug that my smugmometer nearly exploded.

But his character did allow us all to vent about the impossibleness of mothers-in-law, and it taught us how to achieve the very best that divorce settlements have to offer.






Steve, on the other hand, was easy to like. I was pulling for Steve and Miranda from day one, probably because they're complete opposites. But he's also one of those unfailingly good guys that any seasoned dater has ceased to believe exist.

He's funny and endearing, and touchingly handsome with a baby cradled in his arms, and even a cynic like Miranda couldn't help but see his merits in the end.

Bottom line: he's actually there for her when she needs him.


Jerry Jerrod....Jerrod Smith....Jason Lewis...a hottie by any name.

And, when the cards were down, a pretty decent fellow.

I mean, it was fabulous to see any man actually not giving in to temptation.
Fabulouser still when he stuck by his girl in sickness and in health.
But most fabulous of all when you see one person bring out the best in another.





Aiden! Who didn't love Aiden? Well, except for Carrie, who clearly is not only blind but retarded aswell.

I have always had a soft spot for John Corbett, but as Aiden, he was IT. Pre-heartbreak, he was a free spirit, an artist, tender, respectful....just yummy.

But when he came back to the show, scarred and shorn, he was a new man, but entirely still worthy. In fact, when your biggest problem with a guy is that he's too faithful, that he's not just there for you, but also for your friends, and he's not afraid of intimacy...I think the problem actually lies with you.

But while I love Aiden, I can forgive Carrie. Because even if he's a good guy, even if he's good to you, it doesn't mean he's good for you. He wasn't the one. She gave up 'good' and found her 'perfect'. And that's what it's all about.


But the real success of SATC is not the men and their various charms.

It's the women, the girlfriendliness, the gossip and disclosure.


So for a moment, let's discuss:


a) The goodie drawer: Do you have one?
We have a goodie nightstand. When the mother-in-law came to visit, I cleaned it out, put everything "questionable" into a locked safe in another room. On her second night's stay, she asked me why we had an empty nightstand by the bed. I tried my best not to blush. I mean, my fears were founded - she did look.

b) Farting in front of the boyfriend/girlfriend: end of the world? end of the relationship? the beginning of intimacy?
If you've been here before, then you know that Jason doesn't fart. Damn him. I'm actually pretty unembarrassed by bodily functions. I accepted his proposal only on the condition that he could learn to pee in front of me (he did). I just can't stand the thought of a permanently closed door. That being said, I do remember the first time I farted in front of Jason. Everything went quiet for a moment, and then I laughed uncontrollably.

c) Faking it: have you? would you? could you?

d) Circumcision: necessary?

e) Ugly sex: have you ever slept with an ugly man or woman? Did you admit it to anyone?

f) Bad breakups: Carrie was dumped via a post-it note. What is the worst you have done, or received?

Friday Fuckfest Does The Nerd Boy

Way back in June 2005, I confessed a secret crush on Adam Brody, the world's most lovable geek. What is it about nerd boys that is suddenly turning our heads?

Chick claimed it was the desire to help him out with his algebra homework...and we all know what follows that.

Molly seemed to think that snarky wit and "nerd curls" played a part.

But whatever does it for you (the shy blush? the stammering way he speaks to you? the grateful way he'll look at you for the rest of his life?) I present to you the very best in nerd pride, or shall we say for today's purposes...geek chic. Because even losers can get lucky sometimes.


Live from Kill the Goat, it's the Friday Fuckfest!
Fred Armisen, cast member of Saturday Night Live, masks his insecurity by making us laugh.

He's not afraid of embarrassing himself to get the laugh either - if you've ever seen him do Prince, you'll know what I'm talking about.

Maybe you have to be geeky to be an SNL player - it takes more than a mild obsession with pop culture to keep the comedy hounds fed, and if we take our cues from head writer Tina Fey, the nerdy glasses go a long way.

At first glance, Martin Freeman is exactly the
kind of guy no one would play with back when we were in school. He has little in the way of

conventional good looks, he's doughy, skittish, and his ears stick out.
The first time I saw Martin, he was a porn stand-in in Love Actually, and I couldn't help but find him charming and irresistible, no matter how awkward and dorky he was. In fact, it's the lack of polish that makes him an appealing everyman.
Roles in The Office and The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy have probably helped cement his nerdy image, not that Martin seems to mind. He's taking his nerd-dom all the way to the bank.


When you're tall and slim, you adopt a certain gawkiness that lends instantly to the label of geek, and the goody -two- shoesiness in his twinkling, downcast eyes does little to dilute it.

Nerd Alert! Not only does Topher Grace admit a certain affinity for Star Wars, he'd also prefer to stay in and play Monopoly than hit the clubs with other playboy actors his age.

Okay, so almost anyone would look like a geek standing next to Ashton Kutcher...still. This guy has a smirk that saves him from going overboard on the S.S. Pathetic.





Rivers Cuomo brings back the nerd glasses for its second appearance on today's list. As the head Weezer guy, he writes the songs that make us nod in appreciation.

Nerd quali- fications: a nose that's always in the books, both at schools like Harvard, and in his own creation, the Encyclopedia of Pop; his bowl cut; his love for the clarinet.

However, it's probably his famous vow of celibacy that earns him the nerdiest fame of all. When most rock stars are sifting through groupies with 10-fool poles, Rivers has managed not only to achieve his 2-year hiatus from sex, but has actually (and apparently voluntarily) extended it as well.




Neuroses seem to come as second- nature to Zach Braff. He plays dreamy and ruffled just a little too well for us not to notice the nerd underneath his clever facade.

After the release of his "emo" movie, Garden State (in which he cast every nerd's dream girl, Natalie Portman, as his leading lady) he has recently been noted for voicing the big-headed bird, Chicken Little, and for dating squeaky-clean pop princess Mandy Moore.

Whether or not these nerds have their revenge, they appear to have the last laugh.


So if this is your Nerd Nomination Form...which geek gets your vote?

Friday Fuckfest Does 80s Hair Bands

20 years ago you needed 3 things to make the ladies swoon and your album sell: Aqua Net, bared chests, and spandex. Hot!!

The Contenders:

Van Halen were the trail-blazers in Glam Metal: peek-a-boo nipples and tight leather, what more could a girl ask for?

Those were the days, back when 8 inches referred to the height of your bangs.

You'd think it would be hard to act macho while looking like a girl, but these guy showed us how it's done. And when they sang Jamie's Crying, we got the message: you girls had better put out, dammit. And we did, in the back seats of Chevettes, with the tape deck blaring away.


The guys of Def Leppard appear to have shared a bottle of bleach, and are rocking the "business in the front, party in the back" look with their long, luxurious locks.

However, it's probably the impossibly-tight denim, highlighting the package area, that's really turning you on right now. I mean, you might have been confused with the hair and the tank tops, so here's something that screams Hey baby, I'm a MAN, Rooowwwr.

So, did you getcha rocks off yet? Huh? Did you?



Haven't you always wanted a boyfriend with whom you can share makeup tips and jewelry? The boys of Poison are betting you have - and the thousands of screaming girls who once filled stadiums to seem them strut and hear them caterwaul into their mics seem like pretty good evidence of this.

I mean, those big pouty lips, the perfectly teased hair, the sensitive power ballads...just don't say I didn't warn you, every rose has its thorns.













Ah, Motley Crue. The eyeliner says maybe I'm a girl, the grease smudges say maybe I'm a guy, but the sex tapes - now they're definitive.

They call it cock rock for a reason, and the reason is Motley Crue and their love and exploitation of girls, girls, girls. Tommy Lee is the ultimate bad boy, but the dude still knows how to accessorize - he definitely knows that bigger does mean better. And Nikki Sixx, well, what else should be said of a man who parties hard enough to occasionally be declared dead? Image is everything, so when you pose for the cameras, grab your crotch, your Playboy Bunny wife, and pour some Jack D's on your chest, and you're set - for life.



Same big hair, same approach to applying blush, but Guns N Roses introduced the sleaze factor to glam rock, and changed it forever.

Nobody does sex, drugs, and rock&roll like the boys from GNR - I mean when you call yourself Axl Rose because it's an anagram for Oral Sex, you know you're hardcore, right?












Honourable Mentions: Whitesnake, Quiet Riot, Cinderella, Twisted Sister, Ratt, Britny Fox.



Most Fuckworthy:

After due consideration, I have to hand it to Bon Jovi, whether or not they truly belong in the Hair Band category or not. It was the 80s, they rocked the big hair, I say it counts. Totally.

If you doubt, just refer to the sophisticated layering of billowy jackets, and yes, even the fringe.

Told ya.

Plus, these guys have enough hair to make their own llama, should they so choose.

Anyway, I'm not sure how embarrassed I should be to admit this, but I don't ever remember a time when I wasn't a Bon Jovi fan.

In my defense (?), underneath all that hair was hiding a true hottie.

Ladies (and certain gentlemen) of the jury, may I present the evidence:

I rest my case.

Friday Fuckfest, Foo Style

Mmm mmm, Sweet Davey Grohl:



It wasn't just my eye he caught when he went from being the drummer in Nirvana to founder/guitarist/singer/songwriter of the Foo Fighters; pretty soon, the whole world was watching.

This year, the band celebrated its 10th anniversary (boy does that make me feel old) with the release of a two-disc album that is probably their best to date that highlights Dave's unique talent of writing songs that are equally relevant as hard-hitting rock songs and quiet-but-intense acoustic ones.



Dave Grohl gets my vote for this week's Most Fuckable, not just for his impressive breadth of talent, not just for his tattoos (which make me moist), not just for being a brown-eyed boy, but also for never taking himself too seriously. If you've seen any Foo videos, you know what I mean.

And, as luck would have it, this week they're playing Saturday Night Live, so be sure to tune in. And if they happen to play their recent single D.O.A., we'll all know it's meant for me. If that's not exciting enough, the show is hosted this week by none other than a veteran of the Friday Fuckfest, the delectable Jason Lee!

Fucktwat of the Week:



Yeah, yeah, I know, it's almost too easy to pick on Courtney Love. I mean, she's a train wreck teetering around on 2 pasty-white legs. But come on, isn't that half the fun of the Friday Fuckfest? I think so.

Also, being the arch nemesis of Dave Grohl, she falls into the role a little too well. You may remember that way back in the day, she was married to Nirvana frontman Kurt Cobain. In fact, the song Heart Shaped Box was written for her:

Meat-eating orchids forgive no one just yet
Cut myself on Angel's Hair and baby's breath
Broken Hymen of your highness I'm left black
Throw down your umbilical noose so I can climb right back

Now, if you're thinking that those lyrics don't sound like the typical love song written for a beloved wife, ding ding ding, you're right on target. When Kurt Cobain committed suicide, he was in the process of divorcing Courtney. Now, as the ex-wife of a dead bandmate, she seems to think she should have control over the Nirvana songs, as opposed to say, oh, Dave Grohl, who was actually part of it. Tale as old as time, eh? Courtney is just a bleached blonde Yoko who knows the court system a little too well.

She's been in, and out, and in, and out, and in, in, in, because she just can't keep her nose out of the blow. Her husband killed himself, her bandmates (Hole) gave up a multi-million dollar career in music just to get away from her, and her daughter has been taken away. Besides the cocaine, she also has a hard time not assaulting people, including her fans. So, after Hole broke up, she released a solo album, and nobody cared. Ever since, she has stretcher out her 15 minutes of fame with a sure-fire 3-step process:

1. Have extensive plastic surgery:





Maybe it's just me, but if you go around saying you're addicted to plastic surgery, shouldn't your face not scare children anymore?

2. Flash your boobies:



I mean, they're not even nice for crying out loud!

3. Get arrested. A lot.



So, who wants to cleanse the palette with a little Bea Arthur after all of that nastiness?