Friday, February 03, 2006

Friday Fuckfest Does 80s Hair Bands

20 years ago you needed 3 things to make the ladies swoon and your album sell: Aqua Net, bared chests, and spandex. Hot!!

The Contenders:

Van Halen were the trail-blazers in Glam Metal: peek-a-boo nipples and tight leather, what more could a girl ask for?

Those were the days, back when 8 inches referred to the height of your bangs.

You'd think it would be hard to act macho while looking like a girl, but these guy showed us how it's done. And when they sang Jamie's Crying, we got the message: you girls had better put out, dammit. And we did, in the back seats of Chevettes, with the tape deck blaring away.

The guys of Def Leppard appear to have shared a bottle of bleach, and are rocking the "business in the front, party in the back" look with their long, luxurious locks.

However, it's probably the impossibly-tight denim, highlighting the package area, that's really turning you on right now. I mean, you might have been confused with the hair and the tank tops, so here's something that screams Hey baby, I'm a MAN, Rooowwwr.

So, did you getcha rocks off yet? Huh? Did you?

Haven't you always wanted a boyfriend with whom you can share makeup tips and jewelry? The boys of Poison are betting you have - and the thousands of screaming girls who once filled stadiums to seem them strut and hear them caterwaul into their mics seem like pretty good evidence of this.

I mean, those big pouty lips, the perfectly teased hair, the sensitive power ballads...just don't say I didn't warn you, every rose has its thorns.

Ah, Motley Crue. The eyeliner says maybe I'm a girl, the grease smudges say maybe I'm a guy, but the sex tapes - now they're definitive.

They call it cock rock for a reason, and the reason is Motley Crue and their love and exploitation of girls, girls, girls. Tommy Lee is the ultimate bad boy, but the dude still knows how to accessorize - he definitely knows that bigger does mean better. And Nikki Sixx, well, what else should be said of a man who parties hard enough to occasionally be declared dead? Image is everything, so when you pose for the cameras, grab your crotch, your Playboy Bunny wife, and pour some Jack D's on your chest, and you're set - for life.

Same big hair, same approach to applying blush, but Guns N Roses introduced the sleaze factor to glam rock, and changed it forever.

Nobody does sex, drugs, and rock&roll like the boys from GNR - I mean when you call yourself Axl Rose because it's an anagram for Oral Sex, you know you're hardcore, right?

Honourable Mentions: Whitesnake, Quiet Riot, Cinderella, Twisted Sister, Ratt, Britny Fox.

Most Fuckworthy:

After due consideration, I have to hand it to Bon Jovi, whether or not they truly belong in the Hair Band category or not. It was the 80s, they rocked the big hair, I say it counts. Totally.

If you doubt, just refer to the sophisticated layering of billowy jackets, and yes, even the fringe.

Told ya.

Plus, these guys have enough hair to make their own llama, should they so choose.

Anyway, I'm not sure how embarrassed I should be to admit this, but I don't ever remember a time when I wasn't a Bon Jovi fan.

In my defense (?), underneath all that hair was hiding a true hottie.

Ladies (and certain gentlemen) of the jury, may I present the evidence:

I rest my case.

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