Saturday, November 06, 2004

Finally, a Practical Use for Men

I know, I know, men seem like a good idea in theory, but realistically, when you have one staying in your home semi-permanently, you begin to wonder what you can really do with him. My high school biology teacher, Mrs. Love, used to say that if we would just freeze enough sperm we could do away with men altogether. And in my case, I don't even require any spermcicles (that's sperm popsicles, for you uninitiated) since I don't want children.

Most men when asked for their "use" claim it's to reach the stuff of the top shelf. However, as an intelligent, enlightened woman, I have in fact heard of a nifty little invention called The Step-Stool.

Historically men are around to be the protectors...but that begs the question: protector from what? I have to protect Jason from bees and spiders, and I'm the one who steps up in emergency situations because Jason can't stand the sight of blood.

Some women rely on their men to perform the all-important task of taping Sex and the City for them. Well, that show is actually over with now, but on the off-chance that you've found a new show to obsess over, say Desperate Housewives, for example, there's always the manual. Seriously, I tape my own shows, I can set the clock on the VCR, and when the computer goes on the blink, my random pressing of buttons fixes things about as efficiently as Jason's more rational process.

Some men think we keep them around so we always have someone to blame, but honestly, everyone knows that's what mothers are for. So then, what service are men actually providing? Well, if you have a spare minute and find yourself pondering this very question, you might want to check out this handy site where they will give your man instructions on how to hatch baby chicks in his scrotum.

Now what woman doesn't think little cheeping birdies are not sweet and adorable? And this procedure has the added bonus of rendering your man infertile, so yay! It's not like scrotums are much use to anyone anyway, so they may as well be converted to tiny little incubators. So in a small way, men can know what it feels like to have a "womb" and give birth to small...creatures.

They do offer this word of advice, however:"When the hatched chicks are living within your scrotum they may attempt to burrow upwards into your abdominal cavity. While this may be survivable it is not recommended.

So as long as you keep that in mind, things should turn out fine. And if not, then I guess it's up to men to realize that if we don't NEED them around anymore, then they should work on us WANTING them around. I know I certainly don't need a man around. I also know that I do want Jason around, but because he's my best friend and that's what a woman really needs. As long as you have something in your life to give it passion (work, friends, creativity, pets, hobby, etc), a real woman will be happy no matter what her relationship status is. Right ladies?


Jay said...

Just a little note from Jamie: I obviously do not know how to control the font selections, so I apologize if this is difficult to read.

Anonymous said...

"Jamie! Can you get the step-stool out and kill that spider?"

Elena said...

That's kinda strange because your comment was totally unexpected! that's crazy!I Don't know waht to some photos in my blog..what d'you think? what about you?

Holly said...

Thank you for putting in writing what I've been thinking for months! And the font mishaps only make for more interesting reading.

Ghost said...

Interesting concept. I do have to say, in defense of men, that I do find it rather necessary to keep one around to change the light bulbs. We have vaulted ceilings and I suffer from a fear of heights so getting out the ladder just gives me the willy's.

Beth Spotswood said...

I've found men handy for the following:
.holding shopping bags
.getting the car

(in that order...)

Karen Wyman said...

Men... can't live with them... don't have to!

Jamie, this is great - funny and smart!
Check out - I think you'd like it.


LinF said...

This may seem like the Anti-comment but, I had a wonderful guy and blew it! I am recruiting all the pity and sympathy I can muster, please come to my blog and help beg on my behalf, my last post explains my plight...funny blog btw!

Erich said...

Mrs. Love? Where's the love in frozen sperm? Brr...

I'm glad my wife hasn't found a substitute. What if men are here to make women feel like goddesses?

kljokjjlkjlk said...

AHEM, being a guy type man sort of fellow, I take exception to all of this.
Who do you call when:
-You want your dream house built?
-The hot water heater begins draining into your bedroom at 3am?
-The fence falls down?
-The young 100 pound male rascal is getting a wee bit rambunctious and requires a baritone shout down and a little wrassling to the ground to remind him that tantrums are not a good idea?
-you want someone to sing to you romatically on a moments notice?

HA! I rest my case!

Eddo said...

Ouch. And people wonder why so many men are gay- it's because they are tired of trying to please women- it seems an insurmountable task to make you happy.

I love women, and I think that maybe if you spent enough time with me then you would begin to only want to be around men... :) said...
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