Friday, November 12, 2004

Know What's Obnoxious?

I'll tell you what's obnoxious. Old Navy commercials are obnoxious. And for some unfathomable reason, they keep coming out with these has-been celebrities, such as Morgan Fairchild, who either don't wear the clothing, or look silly in it. As if the sight of someone's aging not-so-gracefully grandmother who has suffered through one too many plastic surgeries is really going to compel me to think "Wow, that old lady with the too-tight face is so cool, I should dress just like her!" Um, no actually. I think that these commercials are not only bringing down the overall quality of commercials in general (smirk), but they are making me hate a shopping institution that I could otherwise really get into. I mean, you go into a store, and it's massive, bright, with tonnes of merchandise that's not too shabby and pretty well-priced, and it's hard not to find something that you'll like. But before you even walk in the door, you have to ask yourself if it's worth it, because inside, the PA system is constantly bombarding you with the audio version of their obnoxious commercials. Over and over and over and over and over. And I should know, because I used to get paid to fold t-shirts there. And until you have smiled through 8 hours of happy-happy-fun-happy-perky-smiley-happy-fun-happy-happy Old Navy commercials, you don't know how strong you really are.

Next on my list of obnoxious: people who ask to borrow kleenex. Borrow! Kleenex! To borrow means you are asking someone to lend you something temporarily, which you will then use and give back when you are done. So, do I want my used kleenex back when they are done with it? NO! I don't! I really, really, really don't. That is a truly offensive and disgusting proposition, one that I want no part of. To me, asking to borrown a kleenex is in the same obnoxious category as the return policy at Zellers...people, the let you return underwear! I mean, it's pathetic, they let you return anything because they're so desperate for's not even uncommon to find hangers that say Walmart right on them hanging on their racks. But underwear? That's outrageous! And gross! It's about as wrong as anything can be. If you need a kleenex, keep it. If you buy underwear, keep that too, even if you made a mistake. God.

Okay, just one more thing to toss on the obnoxious pile, and that is how McDonald's is now trying to convince us that they're healthy. I mean, is anyone buying this? If I go to McDonald's it's because I've made a conscious choice to indulge-I want McNuggets or something gross like that. If I'm in the mood for a great salad, well probably I'll just stay home because I make the best salads. I will never, ever go to McDonald's for their salad. I am haunted of images of their wilty lettuce with crumbled hamburger patties crumbled on top, and BigMac sauce drizzled over the whole thing. And maybe that is completely unfair and their salads are totally legit, but it doesn't matter because they're pointless. You will never make McDonald's synonymous with health food, it just can't happen. That's like sending people to Siberia for a nice sunny vacation. Sure there happens to be sun in Siberia, at least occasionally, but it's not ever going to be comparable to Jamaica. McDonald's has a niche, and it needs to stick to that. Know your market, people! But while I'm on the topic, let me just say this: if you eat at McDonald's consecutively for a month and get fat and sick from it, keep it to yourself. We all make our own choices, and if you like McDonald's, then treat yourself once in a while. If you like it a little too much, either learn self control or watch your tongue, because I don't want to hear about it. McDonald's is not a villain, it's a fast-food place, so take responsibility for your own actions, and don't ever, ever ask to borrow a kleenex from me.

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