Tuesday, March 21, 2006

The Jamie and Jason Show

3 day weekends, they fucking kill me every time.

72 hours of uninterrupted Jason: Jamie, I'm cold. It's cold. Can't we close the windows? Where are my donkey slippers? Can we have pancakes for breakfast? With chocolate chips? What are we doing after breakfast? Will it be far? How far? How long will that take? Will we stop for snacks? Can't I take out the garbage later? Please? I promise I won't forget! Of course I remembered to lock the door. What do you take me for, some kind of idiot? Don't answer that. Ohhh, that door. Well, sorry. We can't all be perfect you know. Is it lunch yet? I'm hungry for buffet. Aren't you hungry for buffet? We do not have buffet too often. So what if I had to loosen my belt another 2 notches, I thought you said I look cute with a little chub? I am not being annoying. I'm just asking if we should stop and check if this store has a sale on Simpsons DVDs. It's okay if you say no, but please don't say no because I really really want them and I've been a good boy all week and I promise if you buy them for me I'll sit quietly at home and watch them without laughing too loud or invading your space for 2 whole hours. Deal? Great! Now what's for supper? I was thinking quesadillas would be good....

I mean, I love him.

I just love him more in small doses.

Things we actually did:

1. Ate supper on the floor. This makes sense because the table is covered with my canvases, the chairs are covered in tarps, and the couch is in a no-food zone, it being white and brand new, and totally impractical.

2. Found a great place for hiking but abandoned it because it didn't seem "mucky" or "slooshy" enough. I just got new red rubber boots and frankly, I was looking for some mud. I found it.

3. Listened to our upstairs neighbours sing kareoke until 3 in the morning. Indian kareoke. And then listened to them dance to it. A frame fell off the wall. Jason was just inspired enough to do his white-boy interpretation of Indian dancing. I found it all incredibly hilarious, of course.

4. Applied 5 coats of Cranberry Zing, plus one of bubble-gum pink primer. It still doesn't look right, but we're calling it "done" because we're "exhausted" and we no longer "give a shit."

5. Bought a new bookcase, which barely fit in the car. Heaved it into the house, assembled it, using all screws, and patted ourselves on the back. Next morning, realized that we'd hit a light in the car getting said bookcase out of car, and the battery had struggled all night long to keep this damn map light on, resulting in dead battery. Jason is too embarrassed to ask the neighbour for a jump again, since he'd already killed the battery earlier this winter in a similarly stupid move. Walked all the way to Canadian Tire in the cold. Complained about the cold a lot. Bought battery thingy for recharging batteries. Recharging thingy didn't work. Had to ask neighbours for jump anyway. Still unable to really laugh about it, and out $120.

6. Jason received 2 punches to the kidney (well, one in each) as punishment for above. Regarding the punches, he gasped "That hurt a surprising amount."

7. Won exactly no new cars and no flat screen TVs rolling up various rims.

8. Jason coined a new nickname for Jamie - " lil sammich". Jamie already hates it immensely.

9. Visited a bookstore aptly named Books! Books! Books! Bought 4 books in spite of name.

10. Went for drinks at a new bar that just opened within walking distance of our home. Declared it lame; visited it twice more in the next 30 hours.

11. Used stain remover on living room carpet at least 4 times that we can remember. See #1.

12. Had it "fall out" during the most climactic point of coitus.

13. Drove around the city wildly at 3 am, in search of a plunger. Not because of any toilet emergencies. I mean, if truth be told, I don't even poop. We just thought it might be fun to drive panic-stricken to various 24-hour locations, asking complete strangers questions that revealed flaws in our bowel-moving systems.

14. Bought 'Yoga for Couples' because Jason insisted he'd be willing to try it with me. Laughed about buying matching yoga outfits until Jason didn't think it was funny anymore. Never succeeded in prodding Jason into actually turning it on.

15. Lost my favourite button, the one that said JAMIES RULE! somewhere on Jane Street. Jane is a long street. Buttons are hard to come by these days, unless you count the ones with Hello Kitty on them, which I do not. I like the golden button days of yore, when people really strove to make buttons with witty, clever expressions (of 3 words or less). They were changing the world one button at a time. Jason tried to console me with a World's Cutest Leperchaun button. It didn't really work.

16. Started making plans we know we'll never follow for his next day off - now just 2 days away and looming large. One of these days we're going to get awfully tired of each other. Mark my words.

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