Friday, April 29, 2005

Friday Fuckfest

Fucktwat of the week:

Anna Ayala

You will remember that some time ago that a woman found a finger in a bowl of Wendy's chili. When contacted for an interview, the estate of Dave Thomas was not very forthcoming. Sales have plummeted for the fast food chain ever since, but the story is now revealing itself not as the case of the missing finger, but as a hoax perpetrated by the phony victim. Anna Ayala apparently commits fraud for a hobby. (Artist rendering can be found here).This is not the first time she's sued a fast-food joint for damages in a similar case, and she is currently facing charges for defrauding and wrongfully evicting a woman and her children from their mobile home, which she sold to them despite the fact she didn't actually own it. She has been involved in 13 previous lawsuits, including others that have in fact paid off. Add the grand theft charge on top of that (Wendy's claims to have lost about $31 million since the incident), and this sue-happy lady is looking at over 6 years of possible prison time. The case was busted open with some great old-fashioned detective work, with findings including:

1. No Wendy's employees "seem" to be missing fingers.
2. No vomit was found at the scene of the crime.
3. The finger was not cooked (Wendy's simmers chili for hours).

Wendy's is celebrating their innocence with free Frostys for the Bay Area residents most affected by the debacle, and I think it's safe to say that they will be happier still to see this litigious woman behind bars. Shame on you Anna Ayala, shame on you.

Only one question remains: where DID she get that finger?

Fucker of the week:

My knee

It dislocated again on Wednesday, no biggie, it happens often enough, usually I can pound it back into its socket with a little sweat and a lot of swearing. Not so this week. The fucker just wouldn't click into place. I've been walking around with one stiff leg (I look like a demented soldier) for 2 days now, but you haven't heard the good news yet. The really good news is that I just got this cute flirty new skirt, that ends right above the knee (risky for someone my height!), and I have this big ugly purple knee glaring out from under it. It's really attractive. Ah yes, it's just another prime example of that fabulous Jay luck I have.

Most fuckable of the week:

Before the Tony Awards, the Emmy, the half dozen Academy nominations, and actually taking home the coveted Oscar statuette, before "Whoooah" and Serpico, before "Attica! Attica!", before Michael Corleone even, there was just a guy named Al who happens to have the most gorgeous bedroom eyes this world has ever or will ever see.

Al Pacino...think he'll take me home? With that gravelly voice and quiet strength, I doubt it would be a hard sell. Great Al quote to sum up the week: "When in doubt... fuck."

Drive safely, and tip your waitresses.

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