Saturday, April 16, 2005

Give Your Man What He Wants

Mm, that feels soooo good, baby. Oh yeah. Like that. Oh yeah. Harder. Faster. Harder. Oh God...

Sometimes, I’m not in the mood.
Sometimes, my arm is still sore from the day before and I just don’t feel like it. But, I do it anyway, because I love him. And, because he likes it so much. In fact, Jason thinks it's the best thing since sliced bread. Actually, I think he would gladly give up sliced bread forever just for 10 more minutes of it. Most men would agree. Most women are a little mystified by it – sure, they like it well enough when it's their turn, but they’re not begging for it round the clock.

Jason sure likes his blow - I mean, back scratches.

Men are simple creatures with simple needs: sandwiches, The Simpsons, a pair of jeans, and most importantly, back scratches.

Yes, back scratches.
Jason will choose a back scratch over a back rub every time. I don't get it. I mean, if there’s an itch in the middle of my back, sure, I’ll take a scratch. But Jason will take a scratch – nay, will beg for a scratch, lust for it – whether itchy or not.

Back scratches are a pastime for men, like football, or channel surfing, or nudie bars. My husband lays out $50 a month to keep my nails pampered in a french manicure. He seems to consider it more a treat for himself than for me (and you bet I’m willing to let him keep thinking that); extra-scratchy back scratches are a great return on his investment.

The Art of Back Scratches

Yes, it is an art. A good place to start is right between the shoulder blades. Rake your finger nails across his skin with moderate amounts of pressure. No need to draw blood – save that for passionate bedroom romps. Combine actual scratching with pressure from the pads of your thumbs for added stimulation. It’s not enough to just scratch up and down, you should alternate with circular and diagonal motions for maximum enjoyment and effectiveness.

The one nuisance of back scratches is the 'a little, my down...down...downer...more down...wait, too far' phenomenon. It can be endless, not to mention frustrating. The best way to fix this is to set a frame of reference, and for this, I suggest making your partner's back into a map of your city. Jason's back is a map of Ottawa – Orleans is on his far right, Kanata is on the far left, with Vanier, Napean, Gloucester, The Glebe, and even Gatineau all making appearances. Sometimes he’ll have me scratch landmarks instead, and I’m scurrying all over his back to find Parliament, or his office, or my sleep lab, and it gets to be almost like a treasure hunt.

Using Back Scratches To Your Advantage

You can pretend to be noble and say "oh, I would never do such a thing", but then you'd be a lying bitch.

· Waking your boy up 'on the right side of the bed' need not be any harder than beating his alarm to the punch and waking him up with a mellow back scratch instead.

· Back scratches make superb rewards. Award them for a job well done at your discretion (but don’t overuse them!).

· They make great leverage too – trade them for foot rubs, making movie night your choice, having your toenails painted, or whatever else tickles your fancy. Conversely, you may also charge a small back scratching fee; don’t be greedy, but do make it worth your time.

· For my money, there’s nothing more convenient or energy-efficient to show your affection than a well-timed back scratch (try it soapy in the shower for an extra layer of entertainment).

Finally, if I ever distractedly give Jason a scratch, he never fails to remind me of the golden rule of back scratches: "Under the shirt, Jay, under the shirt."

No comments: