Thursday, April 14, 2005

Pondering the Imponderables

1. What if O.J. really didn't do it? Don't protest, just consider it. What if he is an innocent man, wrongly accused, and though acquitted at trial, sentenced to suffer for the rest of his life through media speculation and the public's condemnation? What if we get to heaven, and he's waiting there, and anyone who's ever said a word against him has to file past him and apologize to gain admittance? What if O.J. is a better person than I am?

2. What if fruitcake was never meant for human consumption? What if it was just a practical joke? Who was the first guy to put this concoction in his mouth (because there's no doubt it was a guy)? And how the hell did he think "Mmm"?

3. What if the chicken never meant to cross the road? Maybe she was just stretching her chubby little legs. Maybe she was trying to hitch a ride down to Mexico. Maybe she was content right where she was.

4. What if Elvis has not left the building? What if he's in your building? What if he's standing behind you right now, his hot onion breath tickling the back of your neck as his sweaty jump suit glistens and he reaches his tubby fingers toward you...

What if he asks you to Bedazzle something for him? Will you do it?

5. What are hyenas laughing at anyway? They're skinny, angry, ugly little beasts. They have a bad reputation and a crummy life. What's so funny, bitch?

6. Why is the program called Alcoholics Anonymous? I mean, after you made a fool out of yourself at grandpa's funeral by stripping to the music in your head and tongue-kissing Aunt Gertrude, I think your secret's out.

What? Uncle Nick is a drunk? Why, I never would have guessed it!

7. What if there is no rhyme in reason? Here's a reason: "the dog ate my homework"...does that rhyme? Here's another reason: "No officer, I was just giving her a ride home..." that one doesn't rhyme either.

8. What if you built it, and no one came? I'd be pretty pissed off. I mean, if I get my ass down to the Home Depot, ruin my manicure, get blisters on my precious hands and sawdust in my hair, you damn well better show up to pat me on the back. And that's an order.

9. What if goldfish get cramps after you feed them? What if 90% of goldfish deaths are caused by not obeying the 'no swimming for 1 hour after you eat' rule? Are we humans responsible for this? Should we remove the fishies from their bowls for an hour after dinner? One of you fish owners test this one out for me and let me know how it goes. I'd experiment myself, I used to have a lot of fish, but they all died mysterious deaths.

10. What if Julie Andrews is a dirty, dirty whore? What if all this:

is just a clever facade and she's at home right now wearing a doggie collar and some vinyl boots and she's spanking some hairy lust monkey while shouting "Tell me I'm practically perfect in every way, bitch!" as we speak? How do you know she's not?

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