Thursday, April 21, 2005

Good Day/Bad Day

This is an evil little game I like to play with myself, it really brings out my inner masochist.

Exhibit A: I wake up to the sounds of the rusty hinges of the mail box being painfully exercised. "Hmm," I think "it sounds like 11am." 11am!!! I roll over in my luscious bed, and peak through one eye: 11:07am, reads the alarm clock. Shit.

Verdict: Bad. I promised myself I'd be up by 9:30 (while of course taking no precautions to make this so).

Exhibit B: Belly is growling (loud enough for Arkansas to complain), and I contemplate whether it's a good idea to wield a great big bread knife so early in the morning. Imagine my delight when I discover the bagels are pre-cut!

Verdict: Good.

Exhibit C: Time for a shower. For the first time in months, the hot water lasts as long as I do (running time: 36 minutes of soapy, 80s song-belting goodness). However, husband thoughtlessly left me only crumbs of soap (why do man hands crush bars of soap into dust every time?) and I have to use body wash and those damn sissy sponge-on-a-string contraptions that I hate.

Verdict: draw

Exhibit D: Clutching a too-small towel to certain body parts and dripping copiously on the carpeting, I find that I must work pantless today until I've done laundry.

Verdict: Indifferent; nudity is only slightly less professional/formal than the pink Eeyore pajama pants that I normally wear for work.

Exhibit E: Sit down to edit the stuff that I wrote yesterday. In today's light, it all sounds like shit. I decide I'm either being too self-critical or someone slipped me a moron pill, and I'm not sure which I'd rather it be. No work today.

: Bad.

Exhibit F: My naked thighs stick to the leather chair; when I stand up, it feels like I'm being skinned.

: Very bad. Ouch, mother fucker!

Exhibit G: Jorge affirms that I hate everything, asserts that he is better at being brown than I am, and cheers me up with haikus. A couple that he wrote, at my request (I supplied the brilliant titles):

Overweight Antelopes

Lounging in the grass
Chewing on Vegetation
Not giving a damn

Inverted Eyelashes That Poke You In the Cornea

Just walking along
Suddenly a flash of pain
Stupid Eyelashes!

Verdict: Good. In a bad kind of way.

Exhibit H: I have a headache. Must take pills and lie down to read (darnabies!). While reading very nice Alice Munro book, I fall asleep for a good 20 minutes.

Verdict: Goodish. It should be bad, but I sleep so rarely (and never nap) that this mid-day decadence just feels too damn good to feel bad about.

Exhibit I: Nothing will cheer me up like a nice stroll outside. I even Fabreezed my running shoes yesterday, so that will be pleasant! Oh wait, it's raining outside. And I'm wearing a white t-shirt.

Verdict: Bad for me, great for my neighbour.

Exhibit J: Gilmore Girls is on. It's a new one.

Verdict: Not goodish. Although it's one of my favourite shows, that Rory is really getting on my nerves. "Wah wah, I had sex with a delicious boy and so obviously I assumed we would get married and live happily ever after but now he's not calling me so I got drunk on two (2!) glasses of punch and puked it up while mummy held my hair." Dear Rory: shut the hell up.

Exhibit K: It's bedtime, the headache is back with a vengeance, my tummy is upset at something, I just drank 2 bottles of water too quickly and will surely be up peeing all night long, and Jason just got home for a 2 day weekend, meaning goodbye personal space and the freedom to drink all day long without judgment.

Verdict: Goddamn shitty asshole wanker of a day.

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