Tuesday, June 07, 2005

What Does Your Underwear Say About You?

Men, are you tired of hearing stifled giggles as your date unzips your fly? If so, please join us today for our frank discussion about what should and should not be worn underneath your Levis. If need be, take notes. Take copious notes.

1. Tighty Whiteys

I don't care who you are, or more likely, who you THINK you are, you cannot wear these underwear. No one can. No one must ever, ever wear these underwear. Am I making myself clear? Even a hint of these, and the libido comes screeching to a halt. I wish I could say that the screeching would be the end of it, but that's not so. Your date will not be able to contain laughter. In fact, pointing will probably accompany this laughter. And it's safe to bet that your date will then blab to anyone who'll listen that you wear tighty whiteys, and your penis will whither away with disuse and eventually fall off. True story.

Not good. Way not good.

If you are a small gay man, you may consider the coloured brief. Always go for fun, vibrant colours and for the love of man, stay way from those awful blue things referred to as "gotchies", faded grays, and olive greens. Yuck.

Otherwise, a straight man should only attempt these at the bequest of his girlfriend. And even then, make sure you have the caboose to support them. Saggy briefs are enough to turn off anyone for good.

2. Big Print Boxers

Acceptable. They're fun, colourful, and definitely send out the 'hey, I'm a bachelor!' message loud and clear. Stay away from anything with hearts, lips, or rude messages. You may think it's funny, but it's not.

At all costs, stay away from these anything with SpongeBob, Spiderman, Smiley Faces, Scooby Doo, Simpsons, and the like. They're fine for lounging around in at home, even in front of lovers, because they have a pajama feel to them. Leave them in the drawer when you're going out. Anyone who finds you wearing these will assume your mother still buys your underwear, and that will slam the brakes on sex pretty damn fast.

3. Thongs

Just no. Not even with the rise of metrosexuality and the mind-boggling phenomenon that is anal bleaching, still big, fat, emphatic NO.




Holy hell! Avoid anything that makes your penis look pointy.

4. Low-Rise Briefs

Honestly, I just don't get the point. I mean, I'm a big fan of a man's pubic bone, but what's the draw here? Because if you're wearing something so low that you need low-rise underwear, you're already doing something wrong.

5. Pouches, otherwise known as "sausage slings"

Oh. My. Gawd.

(seen here in "elephant" and "rhino" varieties)

No this will not make us want to pet or touch it. It will thoroughly creep us out, and when small children start disappearing, we'll definitely blame you.

So no, not even for a laugh. Not even for the novelty. Not even for a gag gift (consider this: one day, you will die, and someone, such as a grown child, or your mum, will come to your house to empty it of its contents...even in death, do you want anyone to see that shit?).

6. Regular Old Boxers

These guys are conventional people. They play it safe. And sometimes, that's a good thing. Sometimes, it's downright sexy.

That one-button fly thing is irresistible!

I'd like to say you can't go wrong with the standard boxer, but then I'd be lying. Anyone can pull of the boxer look, and if you're a big guy, these are your best bet. But do them right: buy them in the correct size. They shouldn't be baggy. They shouldn't be bulky in the legs of your pants. The elastic should be firm. They shouldn't be so thin they're see-through.

Here's the secret to having underwear your partner will want to get into: change them regularly! And no, I don't just mean daily (for pete's sake, I refuse to believe that I have to tell you to wear clean undies!). What I mean is, buy new ones often. Fresh, crisp boxers are very appealing. Stock up, and stock often.

7. Boxer-Briefs

In my opinion, there's nothing better. They're sleek, sexy, and they give a great view. As an added bonus, they do shapely wonders to a man's bum.

Yes please!

A good pair of underwear will do half the job for you. Appropriate responses are:

a) The desire in your partner to burrow right in.

b) The desire in your partner to rip them right off.

8. Trunks

These are a rather newish addition to the bunch and have all the characteristics of the scrumptious boxer briefs, only smaller.

My initial reaction is that they are kind of cute, kind of flirty, but that they're definitely not for everyone, which is true of just about every trend. Certainly, these can only be worn successfully by the young, lean, and confident, which conveniently is exactly how I like my men.

9. Silk Underwear

Uh, sorry, but no. The thing is, no man ever buys silk underwear for himself. Silk underwear is usually a gift, and they should only be worn for as long as the gift-giver is around. If we find you in silk underwear, we'll assume they're a gift from an ex-lover, which is not cool. When you say goodbye to the giver, you say goodbye to the silk. Simple as that.

10. Nothing At All

The thing about going commando is, no one knows until it's time to unzip. It can be a very nice surprise. Way better than certain alternatives (see #5 again if you're not convinced).

So there you have it: skivvies in a nutshell.

Tune in tomorrow, because girls wear underwear too.

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