Friday, June 03, 2005

Friday Fuckfest

Fucktwats of the week:

Desperate Housewives

Put 4 or 5 beautiful women in a room together and what happens? Anarchy.

Not even for millions of dollars can they pretend to get along. Nope, these women hate each other, and aren't afraid of saying so. At the cover shoot for Vanity Fair, for example, it's a miracle they managed to smile through clenched teeth. While some of us may be happy to be on the cover at all, they were all about posturing and competition. Upon Marcia Cross's insistence, Teri Hatcher is no longer allowed to be in the middle of any photo. She also must choose her outfit last so the others can have the most favourable colours. They're worried Teri might be getting just a teensy bit more famous than the rest, and we can't have that. Personally, I think there's a lot of appeal in a bikini clad catfight, but whatever.

Oh, and did I mention that Teri and Nicolette Sheridan were enemies even before the series began? Apparently they've had it in for each other since a love triangle with Michael Bolton (WTF!) years ago. On the set of the show, they compete with their anatomy - Teri will only wear mesh bras, and the producers are forced to spend thousands of dollars per episode to digitally remove her protruding nipples from each scene (personally, I feel they would appeal to a whole new demographic if they left them in). Not to be outdone, Nicolette manages to be nippleriffic too.

Petty? Ridiculous? You bet. Not since the age of Shannon Doherty have we seen such ludicrous behaviour, and at least she was playing an immature high school chick. These women are middle aged, and should know better. What a joke.

Fucker of the week:

Steve Nash

I don't follow basketball. Actually, I don't think I've ever watched a game of it ever, nor do I plan on taking it up. So what I know of Steve Nash is completely independent of any athletic ability he may or may not have (save it). Reasons for my intense dislike of him:

1. The ESPN commercial. It runs constantly. "I'm Steve Nash and I'm a point guard." And then he points. So, is he retarded, or does he think I am?

2. He's a grease monkey.

3. His vomitous pattern of chest hair. Either he should consider a turtle neck jersey, or he should quit the sport all together for this one thing alone.

4. He needs a haircut. He really really needs a haircut.

5. He has trouble remembering he's a white boy.

6. He has unfortunate taste in shoes.

7. His gleaming armpit hair, constantly dewy with sweat, is maybe the grossest thing ever.

Friday's Most Fuckworthy:

Adam Brody

I don't usually go for the nerd boy, but there's just something about Adam Brody that makes me geek out. It probably has something to do with his quick wit, heavy sarcasm, and soulful eyes. He's an undeniable cutie, not your typical leading man, which is probably why I like him in the first place.

He plays drums (why do I always fall for the drummer?), surfs, and skateboards (am I developing a 'type' or what?). And, if you're feeling guilty about crushing on a high school kid, have no fear, he's actually a few years older than I am. Perfectly legal.

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