Friday, June 10, 2005

Friday Fuckfest

Fucktwat and Fucktard of the week:

Okay, so call me jaded BUT: this thing has gotten out of control if you ask me. Both of them just minutes out of long-term relationships, they've managed to fall completely head-over-heals, making-an-ass-out-yourself-on-Oprah in love in what, 2 weeks? 3? Awww. Gag me.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes

These two should know better. I mean, considering the successes (and by which I mean failures) of their previous relationships, combined with the constant crumbling of every other Hollywood coupling, they should know that in a matter of weeks they'll be eating their words. Other celebrity couples spend months denying that they've even met their new bedmates. But these two are soooo in love (read: MEDIA WHORES!) that they can't keep their love to themselves. Why are they not following the popular deny deny deny method (currently being used by Angelina and Brad? Well, I'm sure it's not because they both have big movies coming out this summer and could use the extra publicity. Nope, can't be that. Gag me again.

I'd be generously prepared to waive all of this information if not for this one last hump that is Scientology. Must convert her! She's already handing out pamphlets for crying out loud. What can you do about this, you ask? Well has the answers. Personally I'm more of a button girl

but the message is also available on a classy variety of trucker's hats and bumper stickers as well. Remember: you too can help save an underfed undertalented young actress.

Fucker of the week:

Stupid weather network.

Friday morning - chance of thundershowers
Friday afternoon - risk of thundershowers
Friday night - chance of thundershowers
Saturday - chance of thundershowers
Sunday - chance of thundershowers
Monday - rain
Tuesday - risk of thundershowers

(in case you were wondering, chance seems to be about 10% higher than risk)

Last night, God made thunder under my bed. Or that's what it sounded like because it was impossibly loud. Lightning literally kept my bedroom as well-lit as daylight for hours in the dead of night. Rain poured down in biblical proportions, and I wake this morning to find that there is not a ray of sunshine in sight until well into next week!

If the weather network was in my living room, I would give it a swift kick to the shins.

Most Fuckable of the week:

Mr. Jon Stewart.

Jon Stewart embodies what every woman says she wants in a dream man, no "settling" necessary with this guy!

1. Smartness: And believe me, Jonny (you don't mind if I call you that, do you Jon?) has smartness to spare.

2. Sense of Funny: Oh yeah. Have you ever seen his show (The Daily Show)? Absolutely hilllllllllllarious. His sense of irony is expertly tuned and his witticisms are among the best.

3. Charm: Aching amounts of charm, really. See him in Playing By Heart for proof.

4. The most liquid puppy dog eyes you could ever hope for.

5. Telling the truthness: No one pokes holes in the American way of life like Jon Stewart does. But he wraps it is such luscious leaves of funny that we barely know we're being given strong doses of his medicine. He's changing the world one funny bone at a time.

6. General good-guyedness: he has that laid-back cool about him that women get all twitterpated over, further evidenced in the movie I first fell in love with him in, Big Daddy.

And in my book, he also wins points for his lovely salt and pepper hair. I'm a real sucker for a man with gray. He's a hunka-hunka sarcastic newscaster, and I would totally have his babies.

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