Monday, March 07, 2005

Jason and Jesus Up in a Tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!

So, just go put this out there, when it comes to God, I think the G-man and I are okay. I don't necessarily go play at his house every week, but if I passed him on the street, I'd be like "Hey, what's up?", and I think he'd respond with a friendly nod. We're buds. So when I say something that sounds blasphemous to you, well, it's different for me. I don't really dig on the bible, nor am I a big fan of the 10 commandments. I mean, I have a list of maybe 37 rules posted for Jason on the fridge, and people have the nerve to call ME bossy! Those are just rules, guidelines for conduct, and the worst that will happen if Jason fails to follow them is divorce. Commandments, on the other hand, are serious business. It's an order. You must, or else. Not friendly at all. And the penalty for insubordination? Eternal damnation. So yeah, when it comes to the G-dawg, I keep things rather simple. I like to keep G on a chummy basis, we pal around some, and I believe he can appreciate a good joke.

So, I signed Jason up to receive a free prayer calendar from Billy Graham. Billy of course was more than excited to have himself a new disciple. He loves to convert heathen like Jason. He wanted to help Jason "find Jesus". I mean, I didn't know Jesus was missing, I haven't seen the posters or his picture on milk cartons or anything, but if Billy says he is, then I guess Billy is right. Billy and God are tight. Right? Well, that's what Billy likes to think anyway.

Another thing that Billy likes to think is that his new converts will enthusiastically send him money so he can help more people find Jesus. Jason has been inundated for requests for cash. Send money now! You can pay to have prayers said for you (how lazy are we?), pay to be saved, pay to save others, pay to send Billy and his family on posh vacations around the world, conveniently called "Missions" to make them sound legit.

This month's cheque should be made out to - get this- saving Australia. The whole damned country. According to the 'literature' Jason received, Australia has turned its back on God. None of them go to church. None of them read the bible. They're a bunch of stinking secularists, and it is our job as good Christians to make them see the light - if not God's light, then at least Billy's. Billy has taken it upon himself to go to Australia this summer and single-handedly churchify them all. It used to be really popular to do this in Africa, but Billy has now realized that Australia has just as many non-Christians, with the added benefit of nicer hotels, Coca-Cola, and air-conditioning.

Personally, I had no idea that Australia was the new "dark continent". Australians look a lot like Canadians, but apparently they're a lot less moral, which is surprising because Canadians aren't super-religious either (especially when we are so close in proximity and therefore compared to red state values). This makes me wonder if perhaps in Australia, they receive donation requests in order to save us agnostic Canadians. I probably am not setting a good example for the Canadian people, but I assure you, we're not all as bad as me. If I burn in hell, at least I'll be warm. Australians don't need hell, they've already got a nice, temperate climate. Don't be so greedy, Australia: you got some good real estate here on earth, let someone else have the prime location in the afterlife, okay?

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