Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Say Ahhhhhhhh

Blow up dolls are funny, aren't they? To me, their use is limited to the gag-gift realm. You wrap the box up real fancy and give it to some unsuspecting schmo on one of his milestone birthdays in the hopes that it will embarrass him in front of his grandma or something. Then, the boxed doll will be thrown under the bed or in the back of some closet, forgotten and collecting dust. The end. Right?

Wrong. We all know, way back in the dark recesses of our minds, that there is someone out there who has a USE for these dolls, a NEED even. Let's pretend that none of us know this guy. You've never shook hands with him. You've never dated him. He's not your dad. He's not Phizz. He's just some random guy who happens to think air mattresses are HOT and ones with holes in them are even better. Let's put all giggles aside and morph into serious mode. I've done some thorough research on this mystifying subject, which I will now generously share with you.

First off, let's assume that most blow-up dolls arrive in discreet little brown packages. I'm certain that some purchases are made outright, because of the gag-gift factor, coupled with the fact that there's always some creep who just doesn't care what the cashier at Spencer's Gifts thinks of him. But I'd still like to think that most people would take a more secretive route, especially with the ease of shopping online, because there's no longer a need to order out of the back of a seedy magazine. And I don't claim to know everything when it comes to the mysterious opposite sex, but I'm thinking that men don't generally seriously gift each other with these dolls. It's not like "Hey man, you've been looking kind of lonely lately, so I went to the store to pick something up for you. Don't hurt yourself." At least, I don't think that's how it happens.

What you need to know, when shopping online for a blow-up doll (aka sex doll), is that each doll is named. Some have names like we do: Miranda, Nanci, Sabrina, etc, while others are more descriptively named, such as Porky Paulina, Diana Stretch, and Combat Cherri. Naming the dolls means the doll-humper will have a more "personal" experience, being on a first-name basis with said doll. I just wonder though, what this guy will call Porky Paulina when he's with her. I mean, does he stick to "Oooh baby", or does he yell her name "Paulina! Paulina!" or does he enjoy calling her by her full name "How do you like that, Porky Paulina?" You might think that saying anything to this doll is a little weird, but I think doll sex has already crossed the weird line. Plus, there's also the fact that you can buy a doll that talks back: Jessy, for example, screams in delight at your every touch.

The thing that strikes me most about shopping for my very own doll is how every site points out how "realistic" their dolls are - from the ruby red lips, lovely golden hair, the life-like skin...and you can have a doll to your own specifications. If you like redheads, no problem. If you like the plus-sized girls, they've got plenty for you. Some even come with 'piercings'. You can get one that kneels, stands, or spreads her legs. You can get them seamless (score!), sensually-scented (whatever that is), with rotating limbs and breasts as voluptuous as you can handle. Apparently, the fact that they come fully manicured and pedicured is also quite important to the customers, so we're not just talking about plastic fetishes here.

But let's face it, these dolls are all about one thing: the sex. The standard doll comes with three holes: front door, back door, and mouth. These orifices are diversely described as "horny holes", and "love canals", and come in pulsating, vibrating, talc, sucking, lubricated, futurotic (a kind of plasticy material that feels JUST LIKE REAL SKIN!), and textural node varieties. Some even have removable bits for "hand-held enjoyment". And conveniently, each package indicates the doll's weight limit - some girls can handle up to 300 pounds of man, and if you need a little extra, you can find a sweetheart made of durable latex material that's just right for 'energetic' lovers. And, as luck with had it, most are "easy to clean." The best part: dolls are usually described as soft, sensual, and "willing."

Accessories to be purchased along with these dolls include a patch-kit, air pump, fashion accessories, maintenance talc, battery packs, costume changes, lubrication, accessories pouch and tote bag. Which begs the question: just where are men toting these dolls off to? Do men have secret slumber parties somewhere where they all bring their 'dates'?

Because let's face it, these dolls really are a man's toy. At first, I was surprised to see that there were male sex dolls also, but eventually it dawned on me: they were all available under 'toys for him'. There are no dolls in the 'toys for her' section, except for the occasional bachelorette party teaser (to be used as a clever ring-toss toy). Homo or hetero, these things only appeal to boys. And the more I know about sex dolls, the more I don't want to know who buys them. I'm sure there are few guys who were "just curious", but still.

I'm not sure who the average customer is; whether he prefers plastic ladies, or just can't get the real kind. What I do know is that these dolls probably don't ready a man for ever encountering the real thing. I don't know about the other ladies out there, but I don't have multi-speeds, I don't come with a handy foot pump, and unlike my counterpart, the Jamie Love Doll, these words will never be associated with me: "She is everything you can dream of all in one box. A beautiful girl that leaves all three holes at your access. She won't talk back or tell you to stop because it hurts. All three holes are for you to use anytime you want for however long you want to!" True story, y'all.

A word to wise: you will find that returning your love doll is way harder than exchanging your real-life girlfriend, so at $300 a pop (for a high-quality lady), you'd better make sure you're really committed.

Some actual customer reviews (because you can't make this stuff up):

David says: She Satisfies My Needs!I love this woman, I am one lucky man, she's sexy and turns me on as soon as I start playing with her. She's real good.

Sam says: I'm balding and 40, so the girls don't care much for me, but thanks to virtual girl I have a fulfilled Life.

Dave says: She's My Partner! I feel totally comfortable with her, she keeps my nights happy, it's nice to look forward to her at the end of the day.

Jeff says: Feels great, good quality, smells good, a bit hard to clean but I think she's hot so she's worth it.

Alex says: Great doll, I love the detail in which it was created, the mouth is perfect to kiss with. And if you buy it some clothing, it looks great. But there are a few downsides to it's perfect shape, the mouth is way too tight, I can't seem to get it in.

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