Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Naked Jamie on a Llama - Coming Soon to a Petting Zoo Near You!

Okay Kim, you saucy little minx, after a whole day pestering me to do this little meme of yours (hmmm...make that persistent, saucy minx), I have finally caved, so you'd better feel honoured and special because I don't do these for just anyone.

If I could be an athlete, I'd take up running. When I was a kid, I had (briefly) one of those real supportive fathers who swore at me when he wasn't ignoring my existence, and one of the only things I really remember him saying to me was "You run like a girl" and they way he said it made me feel like it wasn't a good thing. So this made me very self-conscious, and coupled with my fear of balls (no snickering, please), I turned out to be really unathletic (my current favourite sport: grocery shopping). So yes, I would run. Right now the best I do is jog on the treadmill while reading a book, and it's all I can do not to fall off. If I was a trained athlete, I would pull a Forrest Gump. One day, I would just drop whatever I was doing and take off. I live in one of the most beautiful countries in the world, home to some of the most friendly people. It would be amazing to set out on foot with just the clothes on my back, and see what might happen. I'd totally need to have my picture taken with all of the "world's biggest" things that I came across - Canada is a big country, so we have BIG roadside attractions, like the world's biggest apple in Colborne ON, and the axe in Nackawic NB, and the lobster trap in Cheticamp NS, and the dinosaur in Drumheller AB. I would run until I'd seen everything, and exploited people of their monetary resources for some totally worthy cause, a la Terry Fox perhaps, and I would feel like I had really accomplished something in this life. Oh, and a cult following would be nice too, and I promise I would never, EVER, wear those indecent, itty bitty running shorts. Nuh uh.

If I could be a musician, I would learn piano. I would need to have plastic surgery on my thumbs first, I have really stunted thumbs. I have lost every thumb war I have ever been in because even 3 year olds have longer/bigger thumbs than I do. But I love the sounds of the piano, so haunting and powerful. And I would play so well that all the dumb piano bimbos like Sarah McLachlan and Diana Krall and all the other whats-her-faces would have to form a support group just to cry themselves to sleep at night. I would put them all out of business. Then I would buy myself a Bedazzler and some oversized glasses so I could bring back the glam Elton John movement, and I would wear a tuxedo with tails and play standing up, and have men throw their manties at me on stage. But I wouldn't let the fame go to my head or anything, oh no, I'll eat humble pie all the way.

If I could be a painter, I would throw out all my pencils and pads. I would trash this blog and never write another word, because I wouldn't have to. To pour all my thoughts and feelings into one piece of artwork seems so energy efficient to me. No more agonizing after every last comma, no more struggles with dictionaries and thesauruses. I would just paint, in vivid colours and bold shapes, to my heart's content. Mme Boileau who once said to me "Jamie, le canard ressemble beaucoup l'orignal que vouz avez peinturé la semaine dernière" could eat her words. So what if my water buffalo looks like a sea plane looks like a tulip looks like my mother. It's impressionistic, dahhhling, so take your opinion and shove it. My high school art teacher "got" me much better, she let my lack of actual skill slide because I was bursting with creativity and had great use of colour. I am a visionary trapped in the body of a writer. Oh, and fyi, I MEANT to colour outside the lines - I was being ironic!

If I could be an inn-keeper, I would make sure there was always one room unoccupied "just in case." I would make each room a comfortable, sensory experience. I would have a very well-stocked bar, and I would bake a continuous supply of my famous cheesecakes. The inn would always be filled with mouth-watering aromas, and it would be a comfortable space for arty, intellectual types to congregate and socialize. I would have a huge room as a library, filled with all of my favourite books, no Danielle Steel or Stephen King allowed. I would have a large staff to run the inn efficiently, and after I spent the morning baking cheesecakes, I would curl up in the library with a glass of wine and a good book, and savour both all afternoon until it was time to get ready for another cocktail party with my witty, highbrow friends.

If I could be a llama rider, I would do so nude. First, because to the best of my recollection, I have never seen a naked woman riding a llama, and second, because I believe the men out in the desert (where I imagine these llamas to be) have rarely seen a woman at all, and they would probably really appreciate such a sight. They might even throw gold coins at me. True, my thighs may get chapped, but that's me, a selfless woman to the core, give, give, give, that's all I do. Of course, I would require a parasol at least, because I am quite fair, and some chapstick, and some daiquiris to keep me cool, and one of those men whose sole purpose in life is to feed me grapes (green, seedless), and someone back home to Tivo me episodes of Gilmore Girls, and a few dozen postcards so I could write to my friends cryptic messages like 'Hey Kelly, I'm still riding the llama. Man it's hot in Saudi Arabia. Wish you were here!'

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