Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Getting February off to a good start.

Listening to: The Killers
Today I like: the tiny little unexplained bruise on my arm, it's a real cutie!

I've gone and done it again. Somehow I'm off my sleep schedule, which means I'm off my rocker. I sleep from 10am-1pm if I'm lucky, spend the afternoon and evening literally sick and tired, and then at 2am when my body should be kicking into mandatory sleep mode, I catch this "second wind" and I'm buzzed all night.

I try to keep the music quietish for Jason's sake, he has to get up at the ungodly hour of 10 to go to work...but consideration of that kind takes a functioning brain wave or two, and I have none.

What do people do all night long? I'm not much of a TV person even during prime-time hours, so it's out of the question now, although I suspect I'd get a lot of those coloured bars and not much else.

I do some good blogging at night, but I still have trouble sitting for very long, so that limits me.

Usually one of two things happens, both of which will result in me waking Jason up at 3am.

1) I let things get quiet, and soon the noises of the house start to freak me out, my imagination, which is unstoppable, just runs rampant, and within 10 minutes I'm running for the bedroom to make Jason check the laundry room for boogeymen.

2) I let things get loud, I turn on some good tunes and start extreme-cleaning, or dancing, or working out. Either way, I get myself all riled up, and suddenly I'm foaming at the mouth for sex.

So Jason starts to have bags under his eyes, and people say "Gee, are you having trouble sleeping lately?" to which he responds "No, but my wife is." And I strongly suspect he peppers that response with some choice expletives. I feel badly, but not badly enough to cut it out. Besides, this is his last day of the week, and he'll have 3 days off to catch up on his sleep.

And yes dear, before you leave me a nasty comment, I know that's faulty logic. When Jason is off work, I expect that he'll stay up and keep me company during the night. So we can have toga parties together. And invite friends over to do parachutes. And play the 'put this in your mouth' game. Or just lie on the floor and think about how funny the world is, or how screwed up my family is, or how fucked up that book about the bible stories I just finished reading was...I mean, I'm pretty sure that the Noah story is supposed to be about more than just how smelly the ark was.

But for now, I am left to my own devices. Which means, I get into the freezer to finish up all the half-empty bottles that we got into on the weekend...and then I move on to the daiquiri bucket...the slush bucket...the fridge rail...the liquor cabinet...and then the naked hilarity begins.

Once Jason woke up at 5 am because who can listen to James Brown quietly?, only to discover me stark naked and re-painting the bathroom, with so much rye coursing through my veins that the yummy Crown Royal smell that I gave off overpowered the paint fumes.

Life is short, it's meant to be fun.

I should be bottled or something.

But anyway, no painting tonight. I was just dancing around with the music at a practically reasonable volume, and suddenly I was like :

"Ow, mutherf****r!"

Apparently I've reached that stage in my life where I need a sports bra if I'm going to dance around like that. Dammit.

21 comments:

Melina said...

You may be the funniest person in the world, and if I lived anywhere near you I'd teach you how to make little gnomes out of peanuts and felt to keep you occupied.It's a little thing I learned in Waldorf school (when I was four), and I make them like crazy when I'm bored and then I leave them in weird places at friend's houses (ok I'm weird, it's been confirmed here). Let's hope you get a playmate soon though!

amy said...

Ok, that's it. That's the most hilarious thing I've read so far (beyond your little feet and your popsicle stick space bar, et cetera). I truly believe now that you were the one with me at the Oscars when I dreamed about visiting various Oscar parties and seeing celebrities. Hands down. That was you.

Oh yeah, I never blogged about that, did I?

Fidget said...

God help the world if we are ever in the same city.. hell the same state! DH and the kids are not understanding of my nocternal needs so I bust myself trying to stay on their schedual.. BAH! I can not wait until my studio is finished and I can stay up till all hours dancing and painting hootin and hollaring... Crown is DH favorite - it gets him riled up and nutty!

Calaloola said...

Blessed is the girl who can make her own fun, for she will never be bored... ;)

Rimmy said...

Yes, what IS it with women that want to have raunchy sex when you've just managed to slip into that part of your two-hour daily sleep cycle and are possibly getting rest?

I might add that MY highly significant other appears to be on the same schedule as me, but she's really not and while she's all I ever want, sometimes the wanting can wait a smidge, m'kay? :P

Oh, and Jay. Before some tattletale tells you differently, I mentioned you in my blog today. I didn't mean that you speak shit, I meant that you break your posts up before we get to read them, and I don't. As per your comment.

So no need to tell me where to stick the plunger, as you can use it to break up this typically long comment. ;)

Jay said...

Melina - peanut gnomes? Dude! I'm so intrigued...I know how to make mice out of walnut shells, but that pales in comparison right now.

Amy- more details please!

Fidget- Your own studio? So so cool.

Rimmy- I don't talk shit, eh? Sounds like a challenge to me.

transience said...

if you were bottled or something, i'd stock up on you. your outlook is so refreshing, jay. and extreme-cleaning? woohoo! only you would think of this.

Adam said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Fenton said...

Extreme cleaning and naked painting? That's so awesome. And, yeah, if you were bottled, I hope you'd be mass produced. The world could use such an uplifting beverage.

Monica said...

I'm intrigued by the peanut gnomes...............



I'm kinda small up top like grandma, If I had boobies like the rest of the family I'd be fat(MY family genes)

No sports bra needed..................

Jay said...

Jason Says:

Yes, it's true. Jamie is a little spark plug who is always getting into trouble. Sometimes I get phone calls in the wee hours. One sidedly, they sound like this. "Yes, this is Jason....yes, I will pick her up.....and yes I will bring something to wrap her up with....thanks again Officer." Always an adventure around here, always a little "nutty".

J

Ms Mac said...

Hello Jay, I don't know how you can live without sleeping at night. if I go even a night without a good night's sleep I am a highly unpleasant person to be around. I can catch up in the daytime but it's just never right.

Thanks for dropping by and leaving your comments and I love your recipe blog too! One day I'm trying those shells!

Brendon Donnelly said...

woah, I’m listening to the killers too. and I woke up with an unexplained bruise. except it was scratches. Cuts, really. on my chest. in the shape of a pentagram. is that bad? You don’t think that means anything do you?

Anyway, I gotta tell ya, the temptation to make lewd comments when you write about your sex drive is just about overwhelming. I don’t think Jason would be a big fan of that though. unless you two have some sort of, you know, "understanding." wink, call me!

Green-Eyed Lady(GEL) said...

So funny yet also so NOT funny for we nightowls. I just crawled out of bed 2 hrs ago, from sleep not happening... Yours & my schedule are similar even down to my desire for hot *nooky*, but my husband has to arise (for work ;), at the insane hr of 5 a.m, so he has his limits.I amuse myself in varous ways, but there are times I'd like some company!

Fidget, I'm going to drop by your site. I have a studio, too...it's gloriously quiet, uninterrupted time to paint through the night, but I also Love freeeeeeee cell phone minutes to occassionally call a fellow nightowl hooter. (that didn't sound right lol, but I'm leaving it here.)

Jay,I enjoy your site, so much. Gr8 reading. Thx!

Corona Red said...

Jay - I love reading your blogs. Always interesting. They have a great consistency to them. I feel like I am getting to know you. And I agree with the others, it would be way too much fun if we lived in the same place.

Tara said...

Jay...I so want to party with you :)

Phillip said...

Jay, you just gave me such a terrific idea! I can't believe I've been neglecting paint fume abuse all these years. And I bet varnish works even better! Awesome.

JeN said...

I wanna know about the felt & peanut gnomes too!

BeckyBumbleFuck said...

You know how people say that you shouldn't worry that everyone else is doing something cooler than what you're doing, because they're not? Well, you certainly are!
And how did the painting with the assistance of some Crown Royale inspiration work out?
You're endlessly amusing...

Cal the Wonderdog said...

Your posts has me thinking of two things.

First that 60's Gnomemobile movie from Disney, well mostly that dratted theme song that's stuck in my head:
"The Gnomemobile, Gnomemobile, everyone ride in the Gnomemobile" (and I swear to dog that the next human who plays that song will suffer me whipping my Canadian Goose stuffed animal toy right in their [insert the human anatomy component you would like least to be hit in]

And secondly, if try to dance to James Brown with the music down too low, your head will explode. (It's the same thing that happens when you mix Purina dog chow with Science Diet puppy food and then have a few gulps out of the can of Guiness that your human has unwittingly left on the ground next to your water bowl.)

Don't try it - it's not pretty.

Now about the sports bra thing - I don't have any idea what that is, but I take it that this is something you use in sports. The next time I watch a hockey game, I'll look to see if any of the guys are wearing one so I can understand what you're talking about. I'll let you know what I find out . . .

Jay said...

Brendon, you've got me worried for you.

Phizz, there's just no use worrying for you.

Cal, there are no words. But you might try looking a little lower for the support that hockey players wear...the leagues you see on TV are sexist, and leave out some of the most talented players.