Wednesday, February 02, 2005

I've Got Friends In Low Places

So there's this minty chickita who buzzes around this blog on occasion, named Becky. And a few days ago, she made this astute comment: "Really? You make friends easily? I would *never* have guessed that about you, Jay. ;)" And yes, that attitude is exactly why I love her. But anyway, I am a lover of people. I count myself lucky to have a great stable of friends. They make life interesting.

I am a friendly person by nature. Definitely a talker. Approachable, apparently, because I'm always having funny encounters with complete strangers. But I am definitely NOT of the Kathie Lee/Kelly Ripa perky persuasion. Ew. I have a scathing sense of humour. I can be a smidge sarcastic. I'm opinionated. I'm boisterous (which I think is a kind word for obnoxious). I say what's on my mind, and I don't agree with people just to be polite. I'm stubborn and I stick to my guns. I'm very tolerant of other people's opinions, but I'm very sure of myself and I don't back down. So the effect I have on people is that they either love me, or they hate me.

And do you know who tends to hate me the most?

Jason's friends.

It's gotten to be funny, in a way. They just don't like me. They think I'm a bossy bitch (well, to be fair, I am). They think I'm snarky and critical, and once that conclusion is reached, I'm a goner. They never see through to my soft, chewy centre (okay, well, we all know I have no inner softness...but I must have some redeeming qualities...like, um, punctuality, and um, good hygiene...right?). The only time I made a somewhat favourable impression, I was hopped up on demorol and percocet, and I just sat on the sofa, smiling like an idiot.

Now, I suppose to outsiders, Jason and I do have a strange relationship. I am not the mushy, loving type. I don't smile and nod in deferential agreement to every third syllable to fall out of his mouth. I give him a lot of sass. I talk back all the time. I disagree just to disagree. I yell at him all the time (though, ironically, not when I'm mad...I just think it's funny to yell stuff like "PASS THE CHEESE!" and "HAVE YOU SEEN MY SHOE?"). And Jason thinks it's pretty funny too. He knows that between us, 'you big nard' is more of a term of endearment than 'sweetie pie'. When I get quiet, Jason gets worried.

And it's not like Jason plays it straight either.

Jamie: I think I'm ready for bed
Jason: Well fuck you right in the ear.

We crack each other up. We think we're funny. And for the most part, we exist in our own little bubble...and when our friends come over, they think we're very entertaining. Karen used to always say that she could listen to our banter for hours and hours. So we don't censor ourselves. I'm not really worried about what others think; as long as we're happy, it's all good.

But every once in a while, Jason will invite a work buddy over, and within an hour, this guy thinks Jason is a battered husband or something.

Anyway, a few years ago, we were having a little get-together, and two guys show up that I haven't met before. Due to my delicious Irish brownies and an abundance of jello shots, I have no recollection of what I could have possibly done to make such a piss-poor impression, but before long, Chris had Jason out in the hallway, and he said "Look, dude, you CANNOT marry that woman! What can you possibly even see in her?"

And Jason, without missing a beat, said "Well, mostly, it's the blow jobs."

And that, my friends, is why we'll be married for 50 years.

Thank you and good night.

24 comments:

Fidget said...

boisterous is how ive described myself before. Snarky is a fave of mine. I have come to be loved by Troys friends.. this was a battle but my cooking and willingness to feed them won out. They overlook my bitchy bluntness and tendency to get pushy. Everyone gets worried if i am quiet for too long... two peas in a pod eh?

amy said...

My god, you're living my life. T had some old college friends over to watch a football game a few weeks ago, and I swear to God I might as well have been the "great cooking wife who likes to talk back."

Yeah, it's called sass. T didn't marry a wife who just goes along for the helluvit.

Ah, Jay. I loves ya.

BeckyBumbleFuck said...

Oh Jay-woman, you're *killing* me! You don't know how I died to find this post! Shucks, thanks... And if you're ever traveling through New England, I'd be mad if you didn't stop by and dance to 80's music for a bit with me.

And although Jason is obviously enlightened, his friends sound like dullards.

Brandie said...

I think you're fabulous. :)

You crack me up, seriously.

And Jason? Definitely a keeper, babe.

citygurl said...

jason's friend can blow you.

I think jason made a wise choice. And so do his naughty bits apparently ;)

Green-Eyed Lady(GEL) said...

ROFLMAOFOC... (That's falling off chair.) Grinning BROADly. ;D Superb anecdote from the title to the punchlines! You've got it girl!

transience said...

woohoo! jason is one lucky guy. =)

JeN said...

Good thing you don't mind being a friend in a low place for Jason, eh? ha ha
Glad he married you just for the blowjobs ; )

Too bad you can't record one of your conversations and post it on here. I'll bet it would be a hoot!

Harry said...

May you together sail way beyond 50!

Rimmy said...

And all this time I thought it was just me who'd ended up with a boisterous sassy PhD-blowjob-giving woman extraordinaire!

I mean, how could I NOT love a woman who thought it was funny when I told a roomful of mutual friends that her nipples were hairier than mine? ;)

Jay said...

Wow, Rimmy, that's love if you still have both nuts after a comment like that :)

-raindrops- said...

i think it's a match made in heaven. i don't think it's love if you can't laugh with or at each other.Ü

Acat said...

its nice to see that love still exists. hope u guys stay happy together.

retarius said...

why don't i meet girls like you? snarky? sarcastic? great blowjobs? what else would you need in a woman?

Woody said...

Hi Jay, I thought I was pretty up on the English language, but I've never heard someone described as "snarky." I can relate to critical, but the word snarky brings to mind a muppet. Maybe Beaker. Good story - hope you'll be married 50 years.

Jay said...

Snarky: Irritable or short-tempered

check, and check.

deborah said...

that was just classic!

Ms Mac said...

What a sweet couple!

Yes, my man and I have lovely names for each other like "Hooker!" or "Knob-end!". Others look at us like we're mad, but we know what's important- definitely the oral sex!

megingras said...

You will be married for a long time...only wish I could find me a fine fella like your Jason.
My dad still says to my mom after one of her fine home-cooked meals...
Ok, Sharon. That was pretty good. I'll keep you for another week.
They are on 38 years.
I have great "snarky/sarcastic' role models. And yes, for many years, some of my friends actually thought my father was abusing my mom. Then out came something truly cynical and sarcastic out of my mouth and then they realized...
Sometimes, some people just don't get it.
Here's to many years!

Corona Red said...

Jay - You slay me. I never miss reading your blog. And it does sound like you both lucked out.

Tara said...

LMAO...how eloquently put.

You guys sound like me and the cute boy. If I am not making some sort of smartass remark to him, he thinks something is up or tells me I am being too quiet :)

Chick said...

How funny...I love to yell things at inappropriate times too. "PASS THE CHEESE" you're killing me, girl!

Kelsey said...

LMAO!! jay, do you ever Not have anything funny to say? you're hilarious! i love reading your blog. please, never stop blogging. ^^

Charone said...

Tell me more about these Irish brownies.