Friday, February 11, 2005

A Story Told in Numbers

6587 porn files deleted off of my father-in-law's computer. Why can even the most computer-illiterate Dad find the porn, but never erase it?

365 days until I'm allowed back into The Body Shop. Note to self: when they say 'no sex in the champagne room', they mean business.

103 kilometers put on the car so far today, just driving around the city, and with gas at 80 cents per liter, I suggest we take up snow-shoeing.

89 times Jason let the song 'Sunshine, Lollipops, and Rainbows' (from The Simpsons) stay on repeat. My ear started bleeding after the first 12.

36 times I've corrected Jason - Him: "Are we going to go see Hutch tonight?" Me: "Hitch?" Him: "Do not correct me, woman!"

35 times I've been punched for correcting him; the single time I got away with it, he was busy flipping off some lady with 11 Jesus bumper stickers on her car.

23 times I asked Jason to bring out the recyclables before I did it myself. I cut myself crushing cans and have collected muchos sympathy since.

19 crotch shots and 12 butt shots have accumulated on the digital camera since Jason picked it up an hour ago (all his own).

17 pennies have choked up the vacuum so far today. Damn these brown carpets! Damn them to hell!

15 slices of pizza consumed by Jason for lunch. Plus 12 bread sticks and 2 Pepsis and 0 beers because he forgot he wanted one and I neglected to remind him.

6 Walmart employees were consulted before finding one who knew what a bungee cord is.

4 hours late (and counting) is our dear friend the plumber. Is anyone surprised?

3 grocery stores were pillaged in order to find chives. Where have all the chives gone? And no, Jason, they're not "sorta" the same as dill.

3/4 of a Boston cream pie has "mysteriously" disappeared in the past 24 hours. My guess is that it has found a home in the abyss that is my Hungry Hubby.

24 comments:

megingras said...

Seems to me that Jason is one hungry fella. And beware when going to Evil WalMart and asking for the most simple of things...it gets really complex for the "team members" or whatever the hell they are called.
And now I have that damn song in my head. Just the mere mention of it gives me flashbacks...I think I'm gonna put on some disco or Clash. That should get it out of my head. If not, I'm blaming Jason. ( is that ok, Jay?)

Fenton said...

"6 Walmart employees were consulted before finding one who knew what a bungee cord is."

That's pretty sad.

Darlene said...

1 blogger just cracked me up with her wonderful sense of humor! 2 kids are fighting in my office right now. And 3 pieces of pizza are waiting for me to devour them. So I guess this means good-bye.

Jay said...

What, not 15? What a lightweight!

Ms Mac said...

Why would one BUY a bungee rope?

Jay said...

Oh you know, for strapping Christmas trees and/or dead bodies to the roof, depending on the season.

Jay said...

(of the car, I mean)

Darlene said...

It's been a favorite tradition in our family at Christmas to strap dead bodies to the tree.

Woody said...

440 Kilometers driven one way last Friday to be ignored by 25 Walmart employees in Fargo, North Dakota. 1 irate excustomer who sent 1 smoking hot email to Walmart and who won't be going back to that store. 1 embarrassed computer user wondering how many porn files he forgot to delete from his computer....

BeckyBumbleFuck said...

Yeah, boys have the tendency to think one herb is just about equivalent to another. One time I had asked my boyfriend to grab some fresh mint and he came back with some leaves.
The were not mint leaves.

mojo shivers said...

I have a question for you, Jay. What is this porn everyone keeps talking about?

LOL.

Fidget said...

Jay, you almost never sort of in a good way kind of , fail to amuse me - really... xoxo

Chick said...

I laughed out loud about the crotch & butt shots...does everyone do that? I think you should post 'em ; )

Phillip said...

mamma mia! that'sa alotta ova the pizza.

Charlie said...

Hi Jay, I must confess that I do play my favourite songs over and over, but 89 times is simply too much!

Ms Mac said...

Ooooohhh, a BUNGEE cord! I thought you were going bungee jumping. Just thought it might be safer to not try that usung products bought on WalMart!

citygurl said...

what the heck else are digital camera's for but BUTT and CROTCH shots.

15 slices of pizza??? what kind of pizza?? Damn Jason, I'm impressed...but more so by the BUTT and CROTCH shots.

Queen Of Pink said...

DAMN - we want crotch shots!! LOL

15 is impressive, although I think my dear hubby could take him on. Oh, and mine would NOT have forgotten the beer. LMAO

1 new reader was laughing her ass off at your post, while 2 cats were fighting, while 3 kids were watching tv, and 4 loads of laundry waited for me until I got off this damn computer.

Thanks for the laughs!! Lovin' your blog!

Charone said...

And a partridge in a pear tree? ;)

I'll tell you what I like best about Canada. They call macaroni & cheese "Kraff Dinner." :p

Jay said...

That's because it is kraft dinner! Well, if you want to talk kd, talk to Jason, his mom worked at the Kraft place (I didn't want to call it a plant, that sounds too industrial for food...but then again, this is kd we're talking about!). Mac and cheese is strictly reserved for referring for the real stuff - home made, and so much more delicious. I am in the minority here - more kraft dinner is consumed here in Canada per capita than anywhere else. Gross.

Charone said...

That is an interesting fact I will definitely be able to use against all my Canadian friends!

Monica said...

post some ass & crotch shots!

jonny ragel said...

quick---> for us traditionalists still without metric- how many litres in a gallon?

and don't snowshoe just yet. please keep buying gas. people who don't buy gas are supporting the terrorists (and making baby jesus cry).

thanks
-perveyors of democracy

Jay said...

1 US gallon = 3.7854118 litres

Although, aside from the kd, another interesting Canadian fact is that we don't buy into the terrorist thing, or the baby Jesus thing. The only reason we keep buying gas is so we don't freeze our asses off.