Wednesday, February 16, 2005

International Find Jamie a Job Day

So, I've perfected the art of lounging and napping, and have decided that perhaps it is time to get back out into 'the real world.' It's been a long time since I've had a J-O-B, and I can't say I miss being employed, gainfully or otherwise, but I'm beginning to feel morally obligated. Jason keeps throwing phrases around like "you don't contribute", "you're a damn leach", and "get a job", and quite frankly, I'm beginning to think he wants me to get a job or something. And if I don't, I'm afraid he's going to force me to bear children so I can at least call myself a stay-at-home-mom instead of just a stay-at-home-lady.

So I was thinking maybe you all could help me in this area. Here are a few pointers so you don't start naming jobs that are completely out of whack with my personality, like doctor, or teacher, or limo driver, or shark feeder.

What I want out of a job:

-extremely high paying
-emotionally fulfilling
-lots of room for personal growth
-lots of room for advancement
-interesting travel, solely at my discretion, with first class accommodations and no driving necessary
-glamorous, with extra perks such as lipsticks and silk purses
-flex-time, summers off, 4-day work week
-an expense account for martinis and stilettos
-health coverage including deep-tissue massage
-the ability to express myself creatively
-random pajama days
-employee fridge stocked with diet pepsi and fudge
-clothing allowance
-under-the-table cash bonuses rewarded for cuteness instead of merit or productivity
-the ability to work from home November-March and June-September
-preferred but not necessary, the opportunity to fire people on a weekly basis
-preferred but not necessary, the opportunity to tongue-kiss Angelina Jolie

Things I won't put up with:

-obnoxious coworkers
-direct supervision
-start time before 10am
-end time past 4pm
-sitting in an office all day
-being on my feet all day
-anything eye-related
-more than 5% of my day spent in the vicinity of computers


-applying lip gloss in the dark
-bossing people around, particularly men
-criticizing others
-I have sweet Boggle skills
-the ability to unroll a condom using only my mouth

My qualifications:

-folding t-shirts
-suppressing my rage, sort of
-past experience at Old Navy and the Government of Canada (but unwilling to work for either ever again)

* Will consider moving to Kingston, Nunavut, or New Brunswick
** Will work for Manolos

So take this information, consider it, and if you please, spit something back out at me that will direct me in my job search. Thank you in advance.

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