So here it is, the night Harvey Weinstein, Joan Rivers, and maybe 3-4 other people look forward to all year round: THE OSCARS. For the rest of us, it's something to watch because The Simpsons aren't on.
I tend to think that giving trophies out for art is a little ridiculous (read: completely stupid). Plus, the Academy is biased and will never actually reward the people who most deserve it. Picking "the winner" is done pretty much the same way your high school picked a prom queen: it's all a popularity contest. Except now they've changed the wording so that they don't say "the winner is", they say "the Oscar goes to..." and we all sit with baited breath, hoping that whatever bitch won will trip on her way up to the podium. Oh come on, admit it. You'd like to see that smug Meg Ryan get knocked down a peg or two. Okay, I'm just kidding. Meg Ryan will never be up for an Oscar. But the same applies to any number of annoying starlets, so we're safe there. So, no, I don't tend to put much stock into these nights. Nor do I care who's wearing what dress (which is not to say I won't make fun of them tomorrow), who cried the most during their acceptance speech, who remembered to thank their stylist's brother-in-law but not their own husband, and who did not clap politely when someone else took home the statue. Now, I hope this isn't coming off like I don't have the utmost respect for Hollywood, because I was hoping to cover that in more detail in my next paragraph.
People, it's acting. Let's get that straight. It's just movies. Pretend. I out-acted many of these people when I told my mother I had no idea how the carpet caught on fire when I was a mere 6 years old. Let's not forget that past winner Halle Berry made this year's stinker Catwoman. I'll give credit where credit is due, though. I saw Hillary Swank in Boys Don't Cry, and it was intense shit. But I also saw her when she played Steve's girlfriend on 90210, and I'm not willing to forget it. If not anything else, this "craft" is fickle, at best. Which is okay by me. But how can you take 2 very different movies (The Aviator and Sideways, for example), and compare them adequately enough to decide which is better? Making this kind of distinction is beyond me. Luckily, the Academy is exclusive, invitation-only, and made up of reputable voting members such as Michael Jackson's good friend, Liz Taylor.
So why do I watch? If you know me at all, then you already know the answer: I never pass up the excuse to blend up some daiquiris with friends.
Last year, we hosted an Oscar soiree. That very morning, Jason and I decided to throw this impromptu party. We invited people quickly, and then dressed in our Oscar finest. Jason wore his tux, I wore my red satin gown. I primped and prettied myself all morning, I did my hair and makeup, and even made Jason shave. Then we went grocery shopping.
Jason has gotten used to my antics. Grocery shopping in his tuxedo might have embarrassed him 5 years ago, but after years of wearing our pjs to the 7-11 and sporting the balloon hats I lovingly made just for him, he's used to these kinds of things by now. I gathered up all the ingredients I needed to make yummy Oscar food. We went to the liquor store and bought lots of Oscar bubbly.
At home, I strapped on an apron over my dress, and set to work. I made all kinds of ridiculously delicious food, and when my friends arrived, dressed to the nines, we delighted in gorging ourselves while watching waifs that hadn't eaten in a week in order to look red-carpet-ready parade around on TV. What fun!
Somebody give this girl a cheeseburger!
By the time we'd heard all the stars tell Joan Rivers "it's just nice to be nominated", we were all saturated in champagne. It oozed from our pores, and that can only mean one thing: time to do tequila shots. Normally my party trade-mark in the jello shot, but this is the Oscars we're talking about, and the Oscars are all about class. Therefore, tequila.
Now I don't know about you, but where I come from, the boys aren't exactly enthusiastic about watching the Oscars. Heck, us girls don't overly care for it either (I'm hoping Chris Rock will liven things up a bit this year). Some people bet dollars on their Oscar night picks; at my house, we do shots. When a category comes up, we all announce our picks. If yours doesn't get the Oscar, you do a shot. It's a simple concept, and I find that boys will be more than happy to watch the show with those odds.
I myself am quite fond of tequila, so here are my picks for this evening's broadcast:
ACTOR: Will Ferrel, Anchorman
SUPPORTING ACTOR: Snoop Dog, Starsky & Hutch
ACTRESS: Lindsay Lohan, Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen
SUPPORTING ACTRESS: Angelina Jolie, Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow
ANIMATED FEATURE: SpongeBob all the way, baby!
COSTUME DESIGN: Napoleon Dynamite
SCREENPLAY: White Chicks
VISUAL EFFECTS: Scooby Doo 2
DIRECTOR: Trey Parker, Team America: World Police
PICTURE: Princess Diaries 2: The Royal Engagement
That's a lot of shots.
p.s. The next day, Jason was at work, hazy with an Oscar-sized hangover. His co-worker took him aside and said "Dude, I saw you with that hot blonde yesterday at the grocery store. High five!" Jason's reputation as a philanderer persisted at work, despite the fact that it is common knowledge that I change my hair colour bimonthly.
And with that as a final warning, I leave you with my wish that you all have the very best that Oscar has to offer.